miellll

I swore I’d never let myself sing again for you

I did

Panic attack just to be your favourite daughter

Remember my gold chain, my shoulders

My face in the light, oh

I didn’t think he’d appear

I’ve been the fruit that leaves a stain

No, you’re a hushed forest, I’m without a compass

I wander with my hands, my faith in white knuckles

I hear a foreign whisper as my blindfold unravels

You see me in green, my view enchants me

Deep maroon like the night in your eyes

Auroras flicker, mirroring the stars in mine

You mark me with wine stains, I’m ivy wrapped around you

Green is a folkish meadow, you find a four leaf clover

I step over a dandelion reminded of what’s ephemeral

My eyes are blue but green in a certain light

I wasn’t a good sketch artist

At 17 my foolish heart recognized him

Mistaking the word wanted for missing

I traded my armor for his shackles

He gave me curses coated in honey

Sweet like a tender compliment

But it’s ten years later and his words still sting

I never asked him to soften anything

He painted me a shade of blue I’d only seen in museums

I thought I was his masterpiece

Instead my fate was his target practice

Always leaving me in misery

He traded his needle for a knife, my name engraved

It was either heart shaped insults or bleeding out

I would’ve chosen the latter but then he wouldn’t kiss me

His selfishness was sickening

Every condescending remark like a new wound

No, like a girl sitting in religions class

Praying for the love of a man worthy of disgust

I was the sacrifice for both of us

He wiped his hands, I rocked back and forth

I found myself in the ocean

My cheeks matching the waves

Their color an old enemy, I wave a white flag

I toss and turn like a message in a bottle

The message is a missing person flyer

You’re a good father

I saw the Christmas lights you put up

I could say they twinkled but I think it was my tears

I hear you talk about your kids

The stories like a novel I can’t put down

You told me their names

You’ve told me about their lives

Every detail a wine stain on my heart

At first I thought you’d push me toward the hills

Instead I pull you closer,

My body like a lasso around you

When you mention them I feel a pit in my stomach

What am I aching for?

My imagination runs wild

My wishes like rose petals, I clutch them with white knuckles

I think about raising kids with you

No, you’ve made me reconsider

I think about having kids with you

I thought my plans were set in stone

But now I’d make a statue of you

You’ve told me about your past

I notice the patterns you have yet to overcome

You haven’t connected the clues yet

If you’ll hold my hand I’ll show you

You and your scars intrigue me

Emphasis on you, and your pedestal

Maybe I still hold onto ignorant thoughts

Or maybe the smoke is still too thick

I can read everyone in the room but you

I guess you’re another language I need to learn

But you’ve shown me your heart

You’ve marked your territory, I’ll mark mine

You tell me things you only tell your sister

You trust her more than anyone

I don’t need a translation

I have family with your last name, your first name too

The subject doesn’t linger

My curiosity is another story

You’re a mystery I long to solve

You know that’s my favorite genre

I’d take a peek at the ending

I feel ashamed that no one else has made me feel this way

You’re a foreign language I impatiently study

I haven’t caught up to my heart yet

You stare into me, your eyes dark and yearning

The feeling of desire is a breath of fresh air

I never realized how long I’d been gasping

And no one’s ever looked at me like that

I look at you with stars in my eyes

You could guess which constellations

I’m afraid they give me away

But if I hide I’ll leave a map

You know what you want and I know you’ll get it

How lucky am I to be included?

I smudge the expiration date

You have big dreams

I’ll always I’ll tip-toe around them

But I dream I’ll become one

I dream of something foreign

You check all the boxes

I dream of so many scenarios

All the lives we could live

A whisper tells me we could turn into more

I listen as if I’m hearing my sentence

You only mention our past lives

Maybe we used to be in love