Land of Amerika

I miss being by your side all the time. I miss being the person you look for at the end of a long hard day. I miss you initiating the calls and seeking me out. I miss the ease of just being with you. I miss your attentiveness and presence. I miss the peace that being together gave us both. I miss the endless energy we had to see one another. I miss my endless trust and faith in you. I miss when your hand endlessly searches for mine. I miss the way you instinctively put your hand on my thigh when you drive. I miss when it fell like you knew everything about me. I miss when it felt like you appreciated me. I miss everything. I miss us.

It’s hard to put into words how I feel when a million thoughts are always going through my head. I wish I could have a normal brain, somebody who functions and tackles life fearlessly and unapologetically; but sadly, that’s not me.

Most days, I’m okay. I feel okay. I look okay. Nothing’s really too wrong. A simple routine that’s expected with little to no deviations. It seems fun to have a fast and exciting life. To have a lot of friendships and to laugh and appreciate each other’s company. I’ve tried that route and maybe it wasn’t for me? Or I wasn’t meant to have that kind of life? I’m not sure, but sometimes I’m afraid to let people in. Or is it maybe I’m afraid they won’t let me in?

Maybe I’m too strange, I don’t fit in quite so well. No matter where I am, no matter how hard I try, it’s always the same. Many friendships are made, but not the real ones. Very rarely the real ones, that ones that stick with you for life. When I think back about it, I wonder how many of my interactions were genuine or just being friendly for the sake of companionship. Maybe if it wasn’t me, if I were just someone else, someone with more confidence and appeal, I wouldn’t have to feel this.

Loneliness is a dark and scary place. It makes me anxious and scared. It makes me insecure and turns my actions ugly. Sometimes I fear I inadvertently push people away because I’m scared they’ll leave. Funny how when I do have that company and joy of friendship, it’s so easy to destroy with the actions caused from my own jealousy.

Maybe that’s the ugly truth, I don’t want to share. I want to keep them to myself and not change this comfortable routine we’ve built for ourselves. But that’s incredibly selfish of me, isn’t it? Why would I want to isolate them the way I am? Why would I want to limit their potential? I know it’s cause I’m scared they’ll leave. I’m also scared of change and being forgotten about. I’m scared that maybe when they reach their full potential, they’ll realize I’m not actually that great and there are so many other people just… better.

I’m ashamed to say I’ve done it before, try to keep them to myself. I ended up losing that person. I hope I know better now. It’s happening again, and I can feel the change creeping into my life again. It scares me and shakes me to my cores. I’m trying to be calm and to accept it. To not think about it so hard so I don’t mess up again. I really hope I don’t mess up again. Just act natural. We are not toxic, just infinitely scared.

I want to see him fly and I want him to be happy. No one deserves it more in the world. Than he does. He’s such a good person with an amazing heart. I’m so thankful to have him in my life. I want to support him and I will support him. It’s really scary. New people come and go; some don’t go and that’s OKAY. They won’t replace me. It’s just part of life. Forget about the little things, I shouldn’t let them bother me. A lot of the times they do, but if I want to be there for him I just have to let it go.

[Amos nudges Snotlout]

Snotlout: I don't know. Just do what he says; he's always right, so there's really no point.

Hiccup: What was that, Snotlout?

Snotlout: Why do you even talk?