no

But they know that the kitchen has food. They know where the easily accessible cat food is. And obviously my sister and I are just Really Big Stupid Hairless cats.

then the next weekend at another party you go down to the basement and it’s been magically shifted into a full-service spa with uncomfortably erotic overtones and there are aliens there and a small brass band and thor’s weird brother is wearing a crown and telling a lively story about almost getting killed on a space ship once and everyone loves him

“what the fuck” you ask thor.

Benny The Surrogate Cat Dad

Benny gets the most joy when his human mom brings home rescued kittens, so he can help look after them and show them the same love that he received when he was rescued. Whenever Ellen brings home an orphan baby (or a box of babies), Benny anticipates their arrival and is filled with excitement. He becomes their dedicated surrogate dad, and his fatherly instinct kicks in the moment he sees a kitten.

Candee Fluff is a horrible brand of cotton candy, I used to feed it to my clowns and they would just throw it back up. The sugar is all unprocessed, when clowns need highly refined white sugar, just because it’s cheaper. Which is something they don’t list on the packaging to fool clown owners. Ideally you should only feed your clown freshly whipped cotton candy. Large mixers may be expensive but a simple childrens make-your-own candy floss machine will suffice if your budget is tight.

Clowns shouldn’t be confined to a car. (Especially a childrens car..?) Clowns are curious creatures that need to jump, tumble, honk and play to be healthy. Keeping them locked in a car 24/7 as a toy for your kids will stress them out in much the same way as a hamster in a ball. Clowns do enjoy having access to a clown car, especially in groups, but their car should provide 1 square foot per clown and their enjoyment comes primarily from exiting the vehicle in large numbers. Keeping them locked inside can reduce their lifespan by up to 10 years. A small human-sized compact car may be suitable for larger groups of clowns.

I’m cringing at that rainbow collection of “my mommy got me a cute clown” balloon sticks. These are creatures that need to run around with helium balloons. They need to bounce and float away when released. Air-filled balloons on sticks are not a suitable replacement. This is the proper set up for a clown or more modern jesters.

Clowns get stressed from any foot confinement under size 16. Clown shoes are the worst item for being sold to kids as “accessories” in human foot sizes. When kept like that the clown will die a horribly stressed life within a year when they can live for 60 or more. They need colourful shoes or boots with plenty of toe-space and loud squeakers. Clowns are so intelligent that they actually play with you, and they need podiatric stimulation to live healthy. These are proper clown shoes.

Never change the natural markings of a clown. This should go without saying, but I see people buying halloween store ‘clown makeup’ and attempting to alter their clown’s faces. Clowns use their facial markings to identify one another, and altering it may cause stress, and even endager the clown if you keep several in the same tent.

“When I was young there were beatniks. Hippies. Punks. Gangsters. Now you’re a hacktivist. Which I would probably be if I was 20. Shuttin’ down MasterCard. But there’s no look to that lifestyle! Besides just wearing a bad outfit with bad posture. Has WikiLeaks caused a look? No! I’m mad about that. If your kid comes out of the bedroom and says he just shut down the government, it seems to me he should at least have an outfit for that.”