Worry Time

I feel ridiculous doing this. Mostly because I’m soooo inconsistent despite regularly needing the outlet.

Anyways. I’m very sad as of late. I just feel so low and tired. Plus very… insecure? Idk if that word really captures my internal voice.

Im stupid. Im going back to school but im so dumb I managed to scratch up the hood of my car (a month after buying it) because I thought the vacuum was to remove water at the end of washing it!!! What the fuck was I thinking? Like I guess I haven’t done it manually, excluding accompanying a parent when I was 10 or below. All I had was TikTok’s of other people cleaning their cars and the knowledge that drive through car washes have dryers like that. What am I even going on about? It doesn’t matter what I thought, it clearly wasn’t working how I thought it would?

The car had like no marks. Previously owned for 6ish years and nothing. A month with me and now the hood looks like that.

They’re barely visible most of the time. I feel crazy. I’m so disgusted by these scratches that no one is able to see. I’m so disgusted by myself for being that dumb.

I’m ranting about a car, which I was lucky to get, when I’m genuinely depressed. I feel like there’s something deeply wrong with me.

My brother and his family just left. I always feel depressed and lonely after.

The situation just keeps getting worse. I could be homeless in 2 weeks.

I don’t know why I bother posting these. I could just write them privately. That would be much more rational. I might have a little hope that sharing this might bring me fortune. Whether that is through emotional connections or actual fucking money. It seems stupid when I actually think about it, posting my depressed and panicked thoughts.

But what else can i do?

I’m just so sad. I’m supposed to meet my dad tomorrow and I don’t know how I’m supposed to talk to him with everything going on. I know it’s not fair to blame him but I do believe he has blame in this. I don’t see what good telling him this would have. I can’t be cold with him tomorrow or even loud and angry. He knows that’s where I’ve been. It’s not like reiterating that will be able to reverse this.

I hate my life. I’m so tired of being broke. I’m embarrassed that I’m fucking 20 with a part time job and not in school. I’m so frustrated that I still have no clue what I want to do with school 3 after I decided to take time off!!!

It’s always something. Do I ever get a fucking break? I feel like I’m being taunted. It would seem like things were looking up and then it would come crashing down.

Im just kinda down. I don’t know why. There’s plenty to be down about. I’m scared about the house but I can just feel that it’s different from the down.

I haven’t done the homework my therapist gave me. Not really. There’s some arguments to be made but ultimately I have not filled out any of the papers. I don’t know I can’t just do things. Why is my brain so stuck?

I wish I knew what I wanted. I am lost. I have no clue what my goals are. I just want to successful in whatever I do. But, I’m not sure I’m capable of it. How am I supposed to know what I want? Is it some deep intrinsic need? Am I actually very content but made to feel that I should want more?

I don’t understand it. I understand me. I know how I act, my hobbies, the things I like but I couldn’t tell you about me. About things deeper than the surface.

I am so upset. I feel no word is can match my feelings. I hate my life. I’m sick of all this suffering. Why can’t things just be easy? Not even good but easy? Why why why why why why why why why

Is my father a bad person? Is he? I try to be fair. He is an addict, it’s a disease, he can’t help it. He won’t know how bad it’s been until he is in recovery. But the things I found out today? I just can’t comprehend it. His sister forgave him for the past but I just… I fucking can’t believe this shit. I can’t believe that my father, the goofy and loving man I knew, was also that person. Before the alcohol. And I know that there are explanations. I know his father was abusive and that often abused children will mimic the behaviours of their parents onto younger children. I know this. But it’s just so hard to comprehend that he was that violent. And taking the money from his friend. On that part I feel bad for him too. I’m most certain that he did that bc of his addiction, and so when that person kills themself right after? That would be a lot of guilt. Maybe he deserves that guilt maybe he doesn’t. I don’t get to decide.

Im just in shock almost. Why is this my life? What have I done to deserve so much pain? I hate it so much. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of feeling better just to have it all fucking crumble again. I’m tired of knowing it will crumble. I’m tired of acting like the cracks aren’t already forming.

What do you do in this position? How do you go on? I’m a directionless burden. Fuck

I have no one to talk to. I don’t want to bug anyone. I’d hate to make them sad by proxy. This is thé worst. I HATE IT

I HATE MY LIFE I HATE WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME I HATE THAT IM DOING THIS I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE THAT I WILL HABE TO MOVE I HATE BEING BROKE I HATE THAT MY NRAIN DOESNT FUCKING WORK LIKE EVERYONE ELSES IM SO SICK OF FEELING LIKE TJIS

I haven’t been doing this because I just haven’t felt like it. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself on this blog where it’s just me. I just need to explain it.

I hate my life. I feel so sad. I am so angry at my dad and I am so sad for him. I don’t know who he is. I don’t know if he’s changed or if I just never knew. I can’t believe the things I’m hearing. I can’t believe I’ve lived with this person who would do these thing a. I’m disgusted that I want to distance myself even more than I already am. I’m scared that I share his genes. I’m scared that I am similar to him.

I just want to live in my house and not be fucking poor. I don’t want to live payday to payday and often barely even that. But that’s my life! We can’t get groceries without me dipping into my savings, which are depleting quickly. We can’t have anything can we. We’re going to be forced from our home. The one we’ve always lived in. The one we just made nice. I hate the banks I hate mortgages I hate money but I want it. I need it to survive and I don’t think I am.

I thought things were getting better. I thought we’d be fine. But no. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!!!

When will it end? When can I just have some goddamn peace? What will it take besides $23000 to just have my home? Would that even make me better? Or am I always going to be stuck like this? Will I always be suffering? Will I always be waiting for the other show to drop?

It’s been a while. I got new Medds and that helped so I wasn’t doing this so much. Plus my wisdom teeth were removed and that’s taken a lot of my energy.

At this point this blog may be a way to document my dad’s behaviour. I think he is dangerous. I am scared to be around him.

Yesterday, he and I had a conversation where I just tried to explain how he has hurt me. How his behaviour, no matter what mental illness or what disorders he has, is inexcusable and cruel. He just had excuses and deflected all blame onto others. Since then he has become more volatile.

He keeps taking food/drinks from mom. He does pay for these groceries. I’m specifically talking about snacks and sodas. Things he does not need. Anyways, the issue there is he was asked to either help pay for these groceries or get his own. He instead waits until mom is asleep and takes food. He tapes up the Fresca cases to make it look like he didn’t take any. This is the most tame stuff. He was blasting music and whistling to annoy mom bc he thinks this is unfair.

He continues to yell and call names. Today he was saying something to G, thanking him for a conversation they had earlier (idk what that conversation was. It’s mentioned that it may be about when and where to talk to him). G kinda shit down the conversation that dad was trying to have. Just being like ‘I don’t want to talk right now’, not irregular for him. Then dad was in the kitchen. It seemed like he was continuing the conversation but only to himself. Made some comments like “sorry I was interrupting you. I know you have so much on your plate” it was sarcastic in tone and with context (we were about to watch a show). He went like that for a bit then called g a dickhead and practically punched the light switch to turn off the kitchen light.

Later K was upstairs getting the pringles picked up for them. They asked if we had taken any bc they were for them specifically. G said he had bc mom said it was fine. I told K I hadn’t and asked how much was gone. They said about half the can. I asked G if he had taken half the can, he said no. So I said it was probably dad. Mom could’ve but she knew k had missed them last time and had been snacking on popcorn and candy, so it seemed unlikely. K goes back to their room downstairs, where dad is. I think k must’ve asked dad if he took any and dad lost it. I could hear him yelling. I couldn’t hear k unless I was at the basement door, even then I’m unsure if it was k speaking. But dad was yelling so much, cursing and all that, g and I decided to head upstairs early. We usually stay until midnight, or at least a few episodes of house md but we didn’t even finish one.

I forgot to do this and that does make me feel bad.

Today I felt less anxious than yesterday but I feel guilty and depressed. I’m angry too. I can’t really explain it.

When I tell people that I feel these ways they always ask why? What has you angry? Why do you feel guilty? But I just don’t know. I’m just like this. All upset with no direct cause. There’s plenty to be upset about in general. The state of world to my personal life but nothing today should have set off these emotions. Today was good. I worked and it was busy so I wasn’t bored. I had a good breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was tired through the day but had a nap after work. I did things I enjoy. But I’m just so upset.

I’m crying now. Right now is the only time I’ve cried today. It’s been a few days actually. It feels good, really. I hate the feeling of being miserable that just sits under my skin. I prefer just having it leave.

I haven’t been feeling as anxious today. The past week was absolutely brutal, I was considering hospitalization. But it’s just stopped. Or it’s become manageable all the sudden. This fact is worrying me.

I just feel like it will only be a matter of time before I’m off the deep end again. It would be easier if I was just that bad consistently. Now I’m just numb. I can feel the need to be upset. To cry and scream, but it’s just under the skin. It won’t come out.

I’m only happy when I’m not thinking about the reality of my/the world. When I check out, whether it’s me being focused on a task or daydreaming, is when I’m fully at peace. But I have nothing to focus on. To devote my energy to. So I’m just stuck feeling empty but also like I am about to explode with emotion.

I’m worried about getting K a Christmas present. I’ve got something for everyone else but them. I have an idea of what they’d like but I’m scared I’m misremembering something. I’d feel bad getting a gift card. Everyone else’s gifts are a bit more personalized. Not like homemade but bought with the knowledge that they’d enjoy it. But I just don’t know.

Im really struggling right now. I feel like I should feel bad and miserable. Maybe I deserve to cry and have panic attacks. Sometimes I feel like that because it’s just easier to get all the tension out when I’m crying, hyperventilating and choking on air. The period after when I relax feels so much better. Other times it’s because it’s all I can do. I’m not able to stop the suffering of others or help the world for the better but at least I’m so sympathetic about it I’ve made myself ill. I feel all sorts of lame for that reason. How pathetic and morally weak do you have to be that all you can do as activism is cry about how fucked everything is? Fucking hate it.

Dad was drinking last night. Didn’t even know it until my mom said so today. I thought he was just having a good day, that he was just excited about baking with me. That my jokes about gifts were just making him happy. No he was drunk. Now he is high. I can smell it in my room. I hate the smell of pot. I could never be a stoner just for that reason.

I think posting may help me feel as if I’m sharing my feelings. Idk, I’m kinda lonely in the sense that I know and interact daily with people but I feel as if no one really knows who I am. I want this to help that feeling. Idk if it will.

I’ll post edited versions of the original writings, editing out any names and locations. I may need to go through and type up and post a bunch at once.

I don’t know if anyone will see this. If anyone does then please be kind to me. Maybe offer some advice. And note, that some of the things I wrote about may be upsetting but I will not post trigger warnings on what will be a diary. I’ll try to tag appropriately.