#potentially triggering

just woke up after having a very visceral and real-seeming dream. 🥹 nobody talk to me about eating anything for the next 8 business days

Sometimes, I feel like a fake bc I'm no longer willing to die for this. I plan to reach a new lw (110 lbs) and then try to sit comfortably around 115 lbs. I'm tiny at 115, I'm not underweight, but my thighs don't touch, my stomach is mostly flat (and I can easily do more core workouts to get my belly where I want it), my arms look like sticks, my face is slim and my cheek bones go crazy, plus my skin starts to get suuuper clear @ 115. I also believe if I stay under 115 or try to go lower than 110, my bf will 100% notice I'm starving and try to get me like committed or something 😅 Plus, he has no idea what weight looks like, so at 115 I can get away with saying I'm between 120-130 and he believes it as long as his grandma doesn't say something 😭 she's the same height as I am and 80 years old so yk she was around for all the diet culture, so she knows what she looked like at like 90+ lbs and definitely calls me out 😅 I was around 115 about 2 years ago and she said something about how skinny I was getting, my bf said something like 'she's like 130, I told her she needs to gain some weight' and that lady looked at me like I was nuts 🤣 I said 'it's more like 115 now' she's like 'yeah, that sounds right' like 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ and he waited until we left, but he was like 'you literally told me you were like 130 yesterday' 😬 I did not have a good excuse, really. So, trying to avoid that again. I can probably get away with lying about 5 lbs. Especially once I start working out my core and glutes more bc he'll think I'm gaining muscles and that's why I look smaller than the weight I'm giving. And as long as he thinks I'm being healthy (ie I eat every meal he's around for) he's not gonna think too much of it. I have to be smarter this time than I have been in the past. I probably need to stop losing as fast as I am, though. I'm at 120.6 now, which ik 3lbs in a week isn't much in the community, but it is pretty quick to normal people lol so as much as it's gonna kill me, I gotta slow it down 🙃 Anyway, I'll update yall when I'm under 120 🫶🏻🥰