Growing up, I was a normal weight child, when I was in first grade (bear in mind that in my country we start school at 7 and have it until we are 15) one classmate told me that I was the second most fat person in the class, then I started to be kinda orthorexic I started to eat cucumbers and healthy in general more, but I was only a small child, so after a while I ate normal again. Everything seemed perfect until I weighted myself at the start of 4th grade, I was 158cm tall and I weighted 40kg, I thought that I was super fat, but I just didn't seem to care about diet, then I started dieteing again when I hit 44kg.I was scared and heartbroken,at summer holidays I restricted and exercised everytime. By that I lost 4kg, I felt perfect. But then we visited my therapist(I hate this bitch, I started going to her when I called my male parent by father and not dad) she said that I got very thin, and told my mother to hide the scale. I started to eat very much, I put on weight again, then I started to starve, I didn't ate breakfast and lunch, and after school I had big binges but I managed to lose 4kg.My binges got bigger and bigger, soon I gained again. My mother discovered about me throwing out the food(I'm sure that my ex bffs told her that) and cutting myself on hipbones. I got in semy recovery I got medicine, then I gained and I was 47kg, but I grew to 162cm.And again everything was good, until I got into a fight with my old bffs year ago. I didn't do nothing at all, I just told that my other friend was right, but they rejected me and my tries to connect. I am autistic, so changes aren't easy for me. I tried to connect again, but they ignored us and my bestfriend who I supported told me that I was stupid and that the other bffs are toxic (we were 4 together) . I started to search, diets and stuff, to lose weight fast. Then I discovered ballerina's diet and by that I discovered also tumblr. As I got deeper into it, I started to count calories and overexercise, But I did it wrong, I thought I ate 500 calories and burnt 1000 but soon I was able to tell that it was kind of opposite. I started to eat 500 calories, then less less and less, I skipped meals whenever I could. I lost a lot of weight, 12kg.I felt very good but still not enough, then I went on camp with my ex bffs, the one got very toxic(even tho she was first blaming and insulting the other ones and I was the one who cheered her up), she was screaming at me, putting my things away to clean, she didn't understood that I needed to chew gum to not bite my lips(this habbit got worse, I can't even notice when I do that). She made fun of it, told me that it smells(it was bubble gum), then she multiple times called me names and I cried to my mother on phone everynight. I reunited with the other bffs but the one decided to bully me with the other one(I helpoed this one with getting a cat, and I spent all summer befor last summer with her). There was the one, she just comforted me 1 time.Once the two even kinda tried to get my phone , yk like they get ur phonr then pull it to their side, it hurt but I tried to be strong and not show my weakness I was very scared of them. And I got kinda sadder and more traumatized. After that, I started tok eat 1500 calories on daily basis, slowly smaller. Then I got to 800 calories. But I didn't knew that I was gaining weight. In winter nurse weighted me, 45 kg, horror, I was scared my binges got worse I was scared. And my friends still made fun of me for everything, my fictional crush(the bff was a kpop stan, had Felix from SKZ EVERYWHERE and I mentioned my 2d crush like 3 times and had a pin with him). She started to draw him in weird way, the others said it was funny, but I td her multiple times to stop insulting me, making fun of me and stuff like that. Then we got in a big fight.1VS3, of course I apologized first, like I always did, even tho it wasn't my fault. I just did. Then I opened my eyes, they were the only friends I had. But they told all of my secrets to my mother. I also won fight with them alone xddddd(but its a diff story)
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