SUNSEEKER

Is because I am further than I’ve ever been

Where’s my notebook

WYD, the rooftop in Rome, the elevator

The Shallows ( holy fuck this one made me laughcry)

Belmont shore, super mex, in the summer

lantern festival

626

The concerts, all of them. Though, there werent as many as I had hoped. Do you have the footage of LN? Remember when you tweeted FI? and Vagabond?

taking the morning train.

Being proud of you and your accomplishments. This one happened often. Although if I hear the words “psy-chi” ever again I think I might vomit.

Exploring

Yeah Right is about you. And a bunch of other songs, which I have yet to list

Embroidery pictures

You were always so solid. So strong. I saw you grow and blossom, but like, with an exponential rate. Looking back, it never seemed like you ever lost your way. You always knew what you needed to do, when and how and why you needed to do it. I’ve taken a long time to get on the right path, but damn it seemed like nothing ever seemed to phase you. You wanted it, you went out, and you got it. I hope you still have God. The other things don’t really matter much. I never felt like you knew Him as well as you should. He always wants to talk. I hope I helped you.

Friendship

White people, that one family (st pascal baylon) w Olsen rd

The other parking lot next to the pools

Who else is gonna remember the blonde stripe?

Teaching me how to dance. And to work hard. And dare to dream.

Of course, chuchi uko (cookie) jindo. I’ll never get to say goodbye.

I can’t delete WHBN

Finding goodness in the present. Even if the present is really shitty. You really helped me, even if sober me doesn’t admit it. I’m probably alive b c of you.

Day 1 of Exodus, definitely under attack. I had horrible, rough, sexual dreams last night that I wish I could forget. Hard day, very emotional. Happy, sad, making progress and missing her. The world seems so cruel and big. But I know I found my light. I just wish we could’ve found it together. She hates me now, and there’s nothing I can do about it. [wait. I can pray for her.] Even though she held me down and hurt me as a girlfriend, she was always a compassionate friend. Still mourning that loss. 

Sunny was up later than I last night, and sent some super sweet messages after I had knocked out. She said Mel actually really likes me because she saw how Sunny and I looked at each other, and how happy I make Sunny so Mel’s thankful for that. That’s still pretty weird to me, I don’t know if they had that convo while drunk and I feel like maybe Mel didn’t mean it, exactly. Not that I’m doubting Sunny or Mel or losing confidence in myself, it’s just that Mel has heard the worst about me. Sunny forgave me because she loves me, but I can’t see why Mel would say these things, knowing what she knows. However, I know how close Mel and Sunny are, and if Sunny has a unique, almost inhuman capacity for kindness, forgiveness, and mercy, then it wouldn’t be too far fetched to believe her friends are like her in that way. So that made me cautiously optimistic. 

Sun also said that her tall 6′4′” friend Michael thinks I should model. I remember hearing about him and being not jealous, per se, but definitely play jealous lol. It’s cool to think someone as attractive as him thinks that about me. Being confident in myself was probably something I was only able to learn through tinder, and I’m still working on it, but Sunny and her friends really build me up and make me feel so great. 

She ended the 3am text in spanish, and it’s funny how that’s a significant part of our relationship. We had spanish together, she has a thing for Mexican guys, and we love speaking spanish half the time. It’s weird to think that for most of my life I didn’t speak any spanish! And it’s so ironic that a non-hispanic protestant would push me to be a better Mexican Catholic. I think about that a lot, actually. I love it, I love her a lot.

We didn’t go snowboarding after all since we’re all pretty beat up from falling yesterday. [John, mostly] Historically, I would always dread the 2nd snowboarding day. This year, however, after yesterday’s progress, I’m actually pretty bummed we couldn’t go. We spent much of the morning indoors, and I made some shitty quesadillas! I tried to use the recipe but the changing of pans and the electric stove through me off! I ended up burning 3 of them and eating them as a huge burnt quesadilla lasagna cake. It was pretty funny. 

Once Mohammed, Hassan, and Lukey arrived, we all ate, laughed, hung out, ate some more, and went to the athletic club. Playing pool with the guys is a tradition that’s always fun, but this time was crazier than most. I opened up super aggressively with some crazy shots, then LOST MY MOJO COMPLETELY. I COULDN’T EVEN MAKE EASY SHOTS AFTER MY FIRST TURN oh well but PATRICK and KENT came out of nowhere! I could tell they didn’t really know how to play, but I kept saying there was something there deep inside them. I believed in my friends! Sure enough, once I taught Patarack how to properly hold it, he sank a few clean shots, it was MAGICAL. And Kent of course was a hilarious wild card, he did some behind-the-back shots [that missed, gloriously] but made so many accidental shots that we just ended the game and named him the champion. Afterwards we played basketball inside the lower-level court, and I haven’t been there since once of my first trips! Maybe it was my first trip, actually. Anyways it was really interesting to see them in a physical contest after so long. I was definitely the most confident in basketball, even though I never really play. But I hope they had fun with it, and I hope they were confident in themselves. I worry about them a lot, and I wish they would never have to worry about feeling less than. I know I’m reading a lot into a few basketball games, but I really love these brothers of mine and I want to share this light I’ve been given. 

Kent and Patrick went back to the cabin after basketball, but I stayed with Angdy and Mohammed to try the bench press for the first time! It felt really really cool and hearty, being able to do a lift like that. I learned that a big part of it is actually in your head!! That’s so crazy to me, but I’m learning a lot about the world around me now and a revelation like this seems to make sense. It definitely relates to snowboarding yesterday, too! I benched 95lbs, 5 reps/set. I know that’s really small but I’m writing this down so I can look back and wonder how I used to live so skinny lol. Andrew wanted to take advantage of the extra gym equipment, but Mohammed convinced us to come back and enjoy the vacation. I saw where they were both coming from.

Last night Sunny and I spoke and everything ended on a good note. The has shown both strength and bravery these past few months, going above and beyond to show me love in ways I’ve never known. Things have happened and situations have arisen [see older chronological posts like Red West and Exodus 90, chastity] which have put us both in tough places these past few months, yet she refuses to back down. I often find myself awestruck and impressed at her [temperance, fortitude, strength] grace. Before we were dating I thought she was an angel or that she was literally not from here. I always knew how special she was and I am happy to say that feeling has not diminished now that I’m with her. She is wonderful, scary, and her presence demands the best out of me.

I fucked up, yet she surprised me again. I won’t let this fear get the best of me again. We’re ok, but I know both of us are still hurt so healing will require a great deal of time and patience. I am not filled with despair, however. I am filled with determination. She is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, by far, and I will not lose this light I’ve been given. She deserves the best man out there and I intend on working hard to become the best that I can be. I’m so grateful she’s given me this second chance.

After last night kept me out and exhausted, I overslept today. That’s the first time I’ve ever overslept and missed work and I kinda freaked out. It was definitely for the best, though, since now I had time to pack and I got a good night’s rest for the long drive. God turned off my alarm to keep me safe, lol. But I called it in, Brian seemed ok with it, and I helped momma assemble her shelves. We talked so much and laughed even more. I talked about Sunny and how important she is to me, everything she’s done and the future. She brought up a lot of good points and was really worried about her not being Catholic. My mom was under the impression I ended my last relationship because my ex wasn’t Catholic enough, but I was able to explain that’s not why. I told her about what Sunny said when we first hung out, about how she saw it as a problem she was so far from God, and how she wanted to come home. That’s why Sunny is different, that’s why she matters, that’s why she pushes me to be better. She knows what really matters. And to me, that’s more important than whatever denomination you belong to. I think my mom was actually really happy to know the truth. She seemed to like what I said.

We also talked about the family tree! I never really knew forsure how I was related to everyone on dad’s side, so I asked all the questions, even when it got messy. The whole reason I asked was because the other day I was trying to explain the family tree to Sunny and I realized I didn’t have as firm of an understanding as I thought I did. I think that’s a common theme with Sunny. I’m becoming better in a lot of ways, learning more about who I am and what I do and what I believe, so I can explain it to her. [see Catholicism] Not sure if it was after or before the genealogy of the Cantu’s, but we also talked about Chente, Bishop Barron, another heretic priest and apologetics. She also found the old apologetics book so I could bring it to Mammoth! Thanks, St. Anthony. I had a great time hanging out and talking to her about things that matter.

I was feeling a little anxious about the car ride, since it was just gonna be with Kent. I can’t remember if there was ever a time where we had such a long one-on-one conversation, and I guess I was afraid it was gonna be awkward. I think I had hoped he would fall asleep. But the actual ride, thankfully, was AMAZING. There was no awkwardness and we always had something to talk about, and we actually talked about important things like the mental health of the group! [him being a psych major and all] He told me about how he analyzes everyone even though he says he doesn’t, Nier Automata, how we can help make sure the group stays ok, Sunny, and Isaac, and how I have actually had a pretty shitty past 3 years. I’m so happy I got to bond with my brother after so long.