I'm Mia.

4 Unique Father’s Day Gifts By Mia Mercado

Father’s Day is right around the corner, and that means it’s time to honor the men who have put up with all our metaphoric and literal crap throughout the years. What better way to celebrate all the dads in your life than with some unique Father’s Day gifts. You think a dress tie and a practical pair of socks is going to be memorable? Get real. Here are four ideas to help give your dad a Father’s Day he’ll never forget but desperately wish he could.

Bouquet of Lawn Clippings

Dads want to spend Father’s Day with the ones they love the most: their yard! Grab a handful of that lush, thoroughly fertilized grass and arrange it into a bouquet that says, “I wish my adult life was as well-maintained as your lawn!”

Framed Receipt From Your Oil Change

Let Dad know he raised you right by framing the receipt from the one time you got your oil changed on schedule. For the extra proud papa, make wallet-sized copies of the receipt so he can show off what a good, human child he helped make.

A Bounty of Foods with Grill Marks On Them

Does your dad love a good cook out? Father’s Day is the perfect chance to make all your food via outdoor grill. This day calls for more than grilling a few steaks and burgers, so go all out. Prepare a breakfast in bed for Dad by throwing a bowl of cereal on the grill. Scramble up some eggs on the ol’ BBQ. Garnish a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice with some hot coals. One Father’s Day to remember coming right up!

  Fatherly Awards

9 Things You Can Do Instead of Getting Your Body Beach Ready

By Mia Mercado

1. Get your body beach ball ready. Stand with your arms open and wait for someone to throw a beach ball at you.

2. Do crunches. That’s where you take two handfuls of chips, crunch them up, and then sprinkle them into your mouth.

3. Paint the word BEACH all over your body using sunblock.

4. Get your body Screech ready by watching reruns of Saved by The Bell for 3 months.

5. Try putting on and taking of your damp swimsuit repeatedly until you realize going to the beach is definitely not worth it.

6. Retreat to the woods and live with the wolves whose body standards are much more attainable.

7. Start investing in your future. When you’re 65, your body and life will be at peak beach readiness as you’ll be able to retire comfortably and live near the ocean.

8. Get your body peach ready by putting a napkin over your shirt. Peaches can get kind of messy, and you don’t want to ruin your clothes!

How To Be A Good Wedding Guest

By Mia Mercado

Hear that? Sounds like wedding bells! Or an approaching ambulance! They kind of sound the same to me! Either way, it’s wedding season, and you’ll likely have more than a few couples to celebrate in the coming months. Want to make sure you’re the best wedding guest possible? Here are a few things to keep in mind when attending any wedding. But first, did you send in your RSVP? Are you sure? Do you maybe want to check? Is it sent now? Great. Let’s get into some wedding etiquette 101.

What to Wear

You want to look nice enough that you don’t look out of place but not so nice that you upstage the couple, ruin the day, and have to leave in shame before the cake is out. A surefire way to make sure your outfit won’t upstage any bride or groom is to wear a suit that has the couple’s faces embroidered on it, reminding everyone who the day is really about. Wearing a white dress is a pretty big wedding guest faux pas. However, if that’s all you’ve got, make it clear you know what you’re doing by writing “THIS DAY IS NOT ABOUT ME” all over the dress. You also can’t go wrong with a simple cocktail dress or a button up and some nice, clean pants. Especially if you pair them with a mask of the couple’s faces to once again drive home who the day is about. Cute!

Who to Bring

This one is pretty simple: only the allotted number of guests on the invitation. Did it say to RSVP for you and a guest? Looks like you’ll need to find a wedding buddy. Was the invitation only addressed to you? Show up with yourself, maybe a flask to keep you company, and nobody else. Did you receive an invite for “You and The Reunited Members of *NSYNC”? Well, you’ve got your work cut out for you, but remember: this day isn’t about you. It’s about celebrating the lovely couple with the people most important to them. And Chris Kirkpatrick.

What to Give

If you don’t know how much to spend on a gift, just spend $10 for every drink you plan on having at the couple’s reception. It’ll function as both a present and an apology! If you’re looking to give a more personalized gift, lightly sketch your face over Lincoln’s on a bunch of $5 bills, and give that to them. If you’re looking to go off-registry with something more unique, get them money in rare currency, and then write, “Figuring out how to exchange this for usable cash will be your first challenge as a couple! You’re welcome!”

By Mia Mercado

A look at the daily torture you put your hair through as told by your hair. Names have been changed to protect the identity of your hair.

7:30 am - The Morning ‘Do

I have awoken and seek revenge on my human host. I will harness the power of each of my strands to form a unified army of dust bunnies and tangles. I will never be tamed.

7:45 am - The “Stop Lying To Yourself” Dry Shampoo

So, she’s trying to tame me now. Foolish. She saw one YouTube beauty guru claim she only washes her hair every few days, and now she thinks she can dry shampoo her way into creating some sort of socially acceptable look. She will succumb eventually, realize I need to be washed, not have enough time for a proper shower, and end up hunched over the sink faucet again.

8:20 am - The Natural Blowout

We are now post-sink shower, and she is attempting to create a work-appropriate look by holding me out of the car window and speeding down side streets. This is at least slightly more enjoyable than her winter routine of putting her car heat on full blast and pressing her scalp directly against vents at stoplights.

10:30 am - The “Could I Pull Off Bangs Again?” Meditative Look

She’s made the classic mistake of looking at the latest celebrity to get bangs and wondering whether she could also pull off that look. I can hear her lying to herself about the fact that they have “similar face shapes.” This may be true, but they do not have similar multi-million dollar hair budgets. If she tries to give us a blunt bang over the kitchen sink again, I’m leaving and giving her premature baldness.

12:30 pm - The Lunchtime Look

Now I’m in a loose side-braid. Not for fashion, but in preparation for a messy sandwich.

12:33 pm - The Lunchtime Look Pt. 2

Now I’m in a loose side-braid that has somehow managed to get mayo on the ends. Did this sandwich even have mayo?

1:00 pm - The Thinking Bun

She believes this sleek look will foster concentration. There is no science to back this up. In fact, studies suggests the longer you spend perfecting this temporary hairstyle at your desk, the more likely you are to get an email from your boss like, “Can you stop using Photobooth as a mirror?

3:00 pm - The Casual Ponytai–Holy Sh*t that a Grey Hair?

OH MY GOD I’M TURNING GRAY I’M TOO YOUNG TO TURN GRAY

3:01 pm - The “No, It’s An Alfalfa Sprout from That Sandwich Earlier”

There were definitely spouts on that sandwich. Right?

6:00 pm - The Rogue Bobby Pin

She’s been surprised at my sudden amount of texture and body, but it’s really just this bobby pin I’ve been smuggling since Tuesday. It is now Friday. I will hold it tightly and make it drop out when she least expects it. Like in the shower or at the stylist’s.

11:00 pm - The Nighttime Bun