im writing this to you 2am 2/14, after i ran into you walking home. its funny, i turned onto 39th because i convinced myself not to walk by your place, i left wawa at just the right time and was going to search for your location but then i didnt because i reminded myself to stop attaching myself to you. suddenly im writing this only for myself. thats the thing with this exercise, i forget the point and divulge and then hold back because i realize im trying to communicate, and inadvertently, i reemphasize everything im not saying.

feelings are complicated and fragile. theyre really important to me, almost more than honesty or friendship. emotions in general. i care more about my feelings and others' even more than honesty, and i think thats why i think i should tell you how i feel. because whether or not i say the entire truth to you, because its so hard and difficult, i'd rather you understand how i feel.

i liked you last year. a lot, it was a really meaningful friendship to me that bordered on more. i think time and distance and certain boundaries helped, i thought it wouldnt be an issue for me anymore coming back to school. but it hasnt stayed away. it feels weird to say i felt like the feelings could come back even when you were talking about kelly because that isnt true. it's more that when you were being vulnerable with me, talking genuinely, being open, it felt awful trying to be supportive when i didnt know how to do that without omitting a certain part of myself. i guess maybe that's what jealousy is, or envy. anyway, ive been having an awful time whenever im around you not because im disappointed in you or because i think less of you, its because i liked you and i feel like it could come back if i stay friends with you the way that we are friends.

i asked a lot of people for advice on this, on what to say to someone who has been dealing with a lot like you are, when i dont want to burden you or abandon you. because i really dont, i really value you as a person. youre kind and smart and you listen and no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. i thought that that image i had of you broke before, and maybe it did. but youre still you, i like our friendship the same way i did before. whatever advice anyone gave me, i kept coming up blank. my instinct with these sorts of things often is to sacrifice as much as i can, and i wanted to sacrifice my conflicting emotions towards you and the aggravation of how difficult it was hearing everything for being there for you. but ive known for a while i havent been able to listen or talk with you without my thoughts and feelings clouding my head. i tried for a while, and i was happy to be a friend.

im sorry, really, to make this more complicated than it has already been for you. but you deserve the truth, i deserve to get it off my chest, and to have any chance of giving barrio our best effort for the org, i think it's right to tell you. lets stay friends for a long time, okay? its a weird feeling for me right now, but maybe itll be good to just focus on ourselves for a bit, work on the show as co-chairs and then hang out more when things make a bit more sense for us respectively.

i realize now that when i was telling you when you care or like someone as much as you were describing you feel for kelly, you should try to make it work. i think staying friends like how we are was something i was doing for myself, maybe holding onto something that wasnt really there for no other reason than to pretend that things were fine. i couldnt say that im glad you cut kelly off because it would be hypocritical, i dont want to cut you off as a friend. but shes right, youre right, and i promised to myself and everyone around me that i would stop pretending everything was ok if things werent when i came back to school. and right now, our friendship isnt ok. i feel sorry for leaving you to have one less person to lean on, but i dont think ive been much help recently anyways.

at the back of my head, i still feel guilty though. turning him away from both girls, leaving myself available, i might as well have a big sign above my head with an arrow pointing down saying pick me! me! i can give you what you want!

but that doesn't even feel right. i want an apology. i want to admire him again. i want to want him to want me again. that desire has changed, i saw in a broken cracked mirror how awful that truth actually is. fortunately its still hidden. my private wish. its unsafe to let out now, still unsafe. will it ever come out? that's the part i do not know.

i wonder if this will be another post i will look at with irony. like a dry laugh, sardonically warning my past self of what is to come.

ideally, in a better world, what would it be? would i get what i want? would my feelings just finally go away? is that possible? i couldn't say for sure, at least not in this specific moment.

i think, ideally, we work together for the coming months. successful, no friction, no danger of my secret getting out, no closeness that crosses boundaries. a few moments that let me imagine and lay these feelings to rest (finally!). he resolves his issues on his own, only shows me his emotional strength. his weaknesses are shared with someone else. he protects himself, i protect himself. i care about him, i only want him to be happy and fine. that's a part of this wish, too. i get wrapped up with someone else. i'm always aching to fall in love. something happens or someone happens and one day, whether sooner or later, we can laugh about it all. and we can be friends again. friends to each other, friends in a way that doesn't hurt like this.

i'd die and fall apart anonymous

in the corner seat of an empty train

been giving my ideal type a lot of thought.