his soft eyes, his tender touch.
as if they’d learned to move
through lifetimes together.
In that moment, I heard a promise of love.
I opened my heart, my soul,
He was always almost here,
But then I shattered everything
by asking, "What are we?"
as if I wasn’t really asking,
He came and went as he pleased,
leaving me in a home full of us,
constantly praying he’d return
I wanted to pray for other things,
but there was no time, no space.
In that home, he left me confused,
I slowly began to gather the pieces of myself,
packed all my love for him in a box,
and threw it to the back of my existence.
Yet still, I felt him there,
so I fought for months in every way I knew
I saw his hurt in all of this,
but I had to harden my heart
All the energy I spent deciphering us,
I used to rebuild myself.
I called my tribe to witness and celebrate,
and all my love came rushing back.
We promised to try again,
but a promise without accountability is hollow.
A fresh start never truly existed.
To begin anew, you must confront the wounds,
share them, let them heal.
They say you can never be with the same person twice,
and I have witnessed this to be the truth
but if you face your depths,
it could be different—better.
Once again, I had to shift my energy.
He wanted things to happen fast,
It felt like he didn’t truly want me back
but to relive our beginning
I kept shouting about my rights,
hurting myself with racing thoughts,
avoiding the real connection.
I had sacrificed enough the first time;
why should I do it again?
I kept pleading with myself,
but don’t make yourself digestible
just so he can chew you up
I couldn’t leave that battlefield;
it still reeked of my blood,
no matter how much we pretended it wasn’t there.
And when I threw my final punch,
I had nearly destroyed the man I loved,
and once again, I destroyed myself.
Once soft eyes were now empty,
his tender touch was gone.
I was gutted to see us both covered in blood,
And now that I see it clearly,
I would give anything to turn back time—
but to start with our wounds.
But that is not a start he ever wished for,
and I can come to accept this
As the one thing I wish the most
Is to see that man in peace with his life, love and choices
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