pale beneath the tan

S U N F L O W E R, a 2019 playlist // listen on Spotify

Tracklist

1. The Archer, Taylor Swift || I jump from the train, I ride off alone. I never grow up, it’s getting so old.

2. The Other, Lauv || Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire.

3. Memories, Tutmose || What’s left if I’m giving my all?

4. Church, Aly & AJ || For all the times I can’t reverse, for all the places where it hurts.

5. Things Fall Apart, ayokay || Don’t you think you own anything that can’t explode.

6. Liquorice Allsort Girl, Head Cleaner || All the images we saved are just memories of what we were.

7. Azúcar del Estero, Lisandro Aristimuño || Al alma hay que darle de comer, aun poco de azícar del estero, un poco de risa y caramelo.

8. Can’t Help Falling In Love, Elvis Presley || Like a river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, some things are meant to be.

9. Lento/Veloce, Tiziano Ferro || Questa estate non vuole aspettare. Ritorna da me ritorna quando vuoi tu. Amo lento e corro veloce. Quindi ora mi fermo qui: Ti amo amore mio.

10. Sunflower, Swae Lee & Post Malone || I know I always come and go, but it’s out of my control.

11. 3 Nights, Dominic Fike || Flaws turned into walls and barricades.

12. Sue Me, Sabrina Carpenter || So sue me for looking so pretty tonight. wearing your favorite color under the lights. For moving on, doing everything right

13. High Hopes, Panic! At The Disco || They say it's all been done but they haven't seen the best of me.

14. ME!, Taylor Swift & Brendon Urie || Living in winter, I am your summer. Baby doll, when it comes to a lover, I promise that you'll never find another like me.

15. NASA, Ariana Grande || You'll be my rise and shine soon as them stars align.

16. No More Suckers, MARINA || You're always using me, until I'm weak, until I need a transfusion. Why can't you help yourself?

17. Pale Beneath The Tan (Squeeze), The Front Bottoms || And I will not deny the privilege to someone else who wants my love. I have stitched a mask of confidence and I wear it like a glove.

18. Yo No Quiero Volverme Tan Loco, Serú Girán || Yo no quiero sembrar anarquía, yo no quiero vivir como digan. Oigo algo que late en mi corazón.

19. Abriendo Caminos, Diego Torres || Quiero ver la risa del sol por las mañanas. Que venga siempre a golpearnos la ventana. Yo quiero un sol que siempre me acompañe.

sweet & detached, a 2018 playlist // listen on Spotify

A playlist made in 2018, posten in 2020 because time is a social construct. One song isn’t on spotify

Tracklist:

PLASTIC FLOWERS, the front bottoms || We are all, eventually, either the victims or the victim’s family

THE (AFTER) LIFE OF THE PARTY, fall out boy || Cut it loose, watch you work the room

YOUNG BLOOD, the naked and famous || Can’t help myself but count the flaws, crawl my way out through these walls

EIGHT FIFTEEN, stranger things soundtrack

CINNAMON, jome || It’s a slow cinnamon summer, your spell’s pulling me under

ONE DANCE, drake || There’s never much love when we go OT. I pray to make it back in one piece, I pray, I pray

GOODNIGHT N GO, ariana grande || we’d be good, we’d be great together

PUEDE SER, louta || Quiero ver cómo es no escaparme de mí, cómo es no esconder mi sentir, y sentir que me muero de amor

HOLD ME DOWN, anjulie || I’ve done work on my soul, brighter than gold

VACATION TOWN, the front bottoms || I want to be that comfortable where you write and read, watch TV, or deeply breathe

SEXY AND ALIVE, the front bottoms || as for me, I still believe (listen on youtube)

FUEGO, eleni fuoreira || A little look, a little touch. You know the power of silence

SULLA MIA PELLE, tiziano ferro || Io vorrei fermare il tempo prima che sia troppo tardi, per non rinchiudere i miei sogni nell’album dei ricordi

UNDER PRESSURE, queen || Love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves

THE WAY I WAS, jem and the holograms soundtrack || Could be hurt, could be loved, but I can’t go back to the way I was

THE FIRST LIE, stranger things soundtrack

MINE, phoebe ryan || I found gold in the wreckage, put it on a necklace. Keeping it cause I know that it’s mine

KARMA, tiziano ferro and john legend || If I’m honest with honesty, that means crashing through the mirror just to know what love is

All I want is to go on with breathing [listen on youtube]

“You’re 15 years old, and even though you have even swimming with all your might, you can’t seem to find the surface (yet)”. A playlist full of Vocaloid songs about drowning and fighting.

Track list:

1. Crier JoyDreamer // And while I agonize I’m thinking that I really don’t care. You really think that pain and hurt will turn you stronger if you don’t give up? How many times will I just have to keep on crying?

2. Toumei Answer JubyPhonic // I think I could find it out, just so these days would never ever have to end, without a doubt. Ringing in a tone that slowly died and will never restart again. And all at once, I know everything is gone.

3. Apriloop Nekobolo // To the me that said “I want to die” but keeps on living.

4. Hysteria Nano // The only lie I see is now inside of my head, the only truth slips through my fingertips in the end. Let me keep on dreaming as I watch the days just pass me on by.

5. Irony Aelita Yoon // You always told me stars would guide me back home, but they only show at night. You always showed me so much kindness, I don’t deserve it, I failed you too much. I think my tiny heart is gonna split, please just leave it be for now.

6. Sayoko JubyPhonic // Lay me right down, let me sleep, I’m restless. Cover my eyes, when I’m up I’ll finally fade away, here, today. Give me a reason, then I’ll stay.

7. Air Aquarium Nano // Was the only lie I kept inside, the one I failed to hide? Where do I go? Where do I go? I spin inside the maze, no light to shine the way.

8. Torinoko City JoyDreamer // The time will keep on running and never wait for anyone. With every second under me, the world right here is crumbling. It gently coats the scenery of this world we’re living in. I do not need your honesty, just lying would be okay with me.

9. Interviewer JoyDreamer // These unchanging days where we look for a goal, we’re looking for a seat where we can place our lives NOT in control. We don’t know how to amount to anything: this is stopping our hearts from living.

10. Gallows Bells Nano // If only the tears would erase all the memories, then maybe I’d learn to fight all these fears, “Won’t hesitate, won’t run away!” these are things I’m scared to say.

11. Rolling girl Nano // This is your chance, so take it or leave it. The only real failure is giving up, here, now, even before you try.

12.  Blackboard Nano // I take the dreams that live inside my heart, and splash them across the nightmares in my head. I close my eyes and try to change the person that I know that I’m becoming. 

13. Red Tears Nekobolo // Very soon, will I be able to become a kinder person? If I could I would go to where you are. Good night, good night. 

14. Weakling Hero Goboumen/IA // Through charms and divinatios, I’ve lived my life up to this day. Even still, looking back, my footprints should be visible forever, right? Step by step I’ve become my own hero.

15. -ERROR Aelita Yoon // But watching as I’m deleted, just like all those dreams I believed in, for one last time I’ll sing it, until I fade into a world of grey. 

16. Perfectionist Complex JubyPhonic // If it didn’t mattered either way, I’d never stray, so I’d see if it was worth my while to stay. Whether not I would cry today or maybe laugh it all away I know I’d love that small life of mine the same.

17. Both Sides Now Aelita Yoon // Tears, and fears, and feeling proud. To say “I love you” right out loud. Dreams, and schemes, and circus crowds. I’ve looked at life that way. 

18. Hello, Worker! JoyDreamer // I’ll forget what happened to me back in my past. That might not be okay, but I will live life today.

19. Hello, How are you JoyDreamer // And if my life’s organized as work and I can stamp my card, I wonder when I’m free because I think my work is hard,

20. My Last Nekobolo // I won’t forgive myself for being meaningless. Otherwise I’ll just be playing the victim.

21. +REVERSE Gumi // Though I cannot oppose my birth, or my existence here on this earth, I can truly live now that I know I’ve been loved all this time. So, with no sign of slowing, time will keep on going, it will keep on flowing, and I will stay alive for that love.

22.  Kyoukai no Kanata Minori Chihara // Torn apart by pain, my heart calls out for you. I don’t want to have empty days anymore. The joy of living is torn apart by pain. But surely, surely, the two of us will ascertain it. 

23. Odds & Ends JubyPhonic // Create a song and change the world. And now, this time, I hope you try and see the beauty in this life. All the loneliness and happiness, they’ll never hurt you again, as everything is one.

This year I started using snapchat and I started taking tons of selfies to chat with my friends thru that app, and I found out that everyday I’m more comfortable with my own face. Also this year I learnt that both (a) obsessively hiding from cameras or (b) obsessively taking pictures (trying to get the “right” one) shows a deep lack of self love. I finally understood that often self love means loving yourself past your physical appearance: you don’t hide, and you don’t care about looking good 24/7

Other interesting things about this year: i started wearing my hair untied, i started wearing my glasses in my everyday life, i mastered liquid eyeliner (or at least i’m closer to doing so lol), and i started dressing like trashbag in my day to day life because i realized i really am not interested in impressing people.  

the middle one isn’t a selfie but it’s quite representative of this year. it says: “more mental health”

22:22 & cats || listen on spotify

a 2017 playlist by me, about me and for me. 19 songs in total, saying goodbye to my last year before i dive into the mess that my 20s will be. two songs aren’t avalible on spotify.

TRACKLIST:

1. El Universo Sobre Mi || Ya se van los invitados, tú y yo nos miramos sin saber bien que decir. Nada que descubra lo que siento, que este día fue perfecto y parezco tan feliz. Nada como que hace mucho que me cuesta sonreír

2. Crier || You know it's over if you simply go and call it quits, but I am sure that I can never do the thing that fits. You really think that pain and hurt will turn you stronger if you don't give up? How many times will I just have to keep on crying? || Listen on Youtube

3. Bored || When you walk out the door and leave me torn, you're teaching me to live without it. Bored, I'm so bored, I'm so bored, so bored

4. Feel Something || We can't stay in the same place, where the light fades away a little every day

5. Now or Never || I'm turning off the light right now, I'm calling it a night

6. Feels Like We Only Go Backwards || It feels like I only go backwards, baby. Every part of me says "go ahead". I got my hopes up again, but it feels like we only go backwards darling

7. Waving Goodbye || I know you don’t mean to be mean, when you’re hurting you'll see just how dark it is getting

8. Everything I Own || You say I deserve all that is coming: the good and the bad. I don't regret it, how could I? You were the best I ever had

9. Rose-Colored Boy || Hearts are breaking, wars are raging on. And I've taken my glasses off

10. Supercut || We keep trying to talk about us, I'm someone you maybe might love. I’ll be your quiet afternoon crush, be your violent overnight rush, make you crazy over my touch

11. Grandes Esperanzas || Voy al doble con mi apuesta, más te quiero si te arriesgas

12. Green Light || I wish I could get my things and just let go. I'm waiting for it, that green light, I want it

13. Like a River Runs || I've played the victim for a long long time, and I wanna grow up from the rhythm of a younger heart

14. Symphony || I've been hearing symphonies, before all I heard was silence

15. Walls || Changing, trying to change my ways, because lately I feel myself slipping away

16. Drum || We gotta take a break and I promise it's alright. It's your life and it's all yours. Dance, to the beat of your drum, to the beat of your heart

17. Joanie || I'm calling double or nothing on everything that I have. I finally am what I am: a fucking bag of bags

18. 20 Dollar Nose Bleed || Don't let the doctors in, I wanna blow off steam