Secondly, I am going to be completely honest and say that I do not know how you are feeling because i have never actually been in your position. All I do know is that I love you, many people love you, you deserve to live, and that things will get better. i understand that it seems like they won't but they will!! I know you know this but so many people have been in the same place as you, and things have gotten better for them JUST like they will for you. You are a beautiful person (I just know it), even if you don't meet the "societal beauty standards" (which I feel like most people don't?), your beauty honestly shines through your posts and your writing in a way that's amazing. You seem like such a real and down to earth person and God the world would lose so much if you decided to end your life.

Also omg, the fact that you decided to call a nutritionist/suicide hotline just tells my how strong you are lovely! Getting help isn't a sign of weakness AT ALL, all it shows to me is sm strength.

Obviously you deserve to live for yourself firstly, but i know it helps to know that there would be people who'd be so devastated if you kill*d yourself and trust me i KNOW there are people in your life who love you and would be so depressed if you went. One person is your father most likely? i don't know much about him but i do know he brought you a cake on your birthday....i don't even have the words to type out how he'd feel if you left him...or your brother, or any other family members, even work colleagues. Trust me, you play a bigger role in people's lives than you think. Every person who's read your stories (like me), has a connection to you, a connection so so much deeper than you think.

I also think you have so much to give to and take from this world. You deserve to travel, have a family (if you want), find someone (or a pet) you really really love, and do so many other things. I know you said it feels like you'll never get these things, but I'm gonna be 100% honest and say that don't get ahead of yourself. Our minds love to manipulate us, and i just know yours is lying to you when it says that you won't get the things you desire. The future is SO unpredictable and I know things will get better for you, permanently better. With the strength you have that is so so so possible.

I was reading your posts last night and I actually started tearing up (keep in mind I am not the most emotionally expressive person?), and i knew that that just shows how much of an awesome person you are. If you believe in signs (or even if you don't), I just spent thirty minutes writing this whole thing (I am so sleep deprived boo I genuinely stayed up to write this because i want you to live that fucking much) with hope that maybe, just maybe, it would help in pushing you to want to be alive a bit more (or a lot more). I don't know you at all, I don't even know your name, but I can tell (someone probably living half way across the world from you), that you deserve to live. if that isn't a sign then I don't know what is. You seem like such a lovely person, who is so fucking talented, and so strong, and the worst thing would be if you decided to deprive yourself of the chance of things getting better.

p.s im sorry if I said anything insensitive in this since i don't know 100% how you feel, thanks for reading till here if you did. obviously you can answer this privately if you don't wanna put it on ur page aha (or not answer at all if you didn't wanna, but ig i would appreciate if you did, just so i knew you read it, thanks so much)

i love you <33

thank you so much for taking the time to write this to me. your kind words mean so much to me. i am happy to report that i am doing better these days! i'm on the right meds, i'm back in therapy, i'm moving away from a toxic roommate situation, and yeah overall just moving on from an unpleasant season of life i think.