Jo 🧚🏽‍♀️

Merlin: We need to recruit our best fighters.

Mordred: I can fight.

Merlin: (Merlin says telephatically) Are our best fighters not available?

Mordred: You know I can hear you Merlin.

Merlin: Sorry, i forgot to turn my mind on mute.

Mordred: I didn't know you could do that.

Merlin: You can't.

Mordred: Shame, it would be useful.

Mordred: Also you are one to talk about fighting skill Merlin. You may be able to do magic but the last time you held a sword you managed to injure yourself within minutes and you weren't even fighting anyone, you were just holding the sword.

Merlin: It was very heavy!

Mordred: And as well as being able to hold a sword properly and not requiring Gaius full attention afterwards, I can also perform magic. I think sometimes you forget that fact.

Merlin: I think Arthur forgets too, maybe we should tell him! (Merlin says with a sarcastic sense of enthusiasm.)

Mordred: If you tell him, my last words will be...under... Merlin's... bed.

Merlin: I'll just move my magic books somewhere else.

Mordred: In Merlin's cupboard.

Merlin: And there's no where else where I can think to hide them, so I'd be doomed, R.I.P me, we need do get back to this.

(He points at the map.)

Mordred: Merlin you have absolutely no sense of direction, I don't know why you are looking at the map.

Merlin: I barely get lost nowadays, my sense of direction is fine. I always manage to find the people auditioning to be Arthur's next assassin.

Mordred: So we recruit the knights of the round table, and everyone else we can find who wants to fight who we feel like we can trust. To recruit them I say we forge a invasion letter and place it somewhere someone responsible will find it.

Merlin: So for Leon to find?

Mordred: We are probably going to have to use magic to deal with this upcoming invasion, what are your tips for using magic discreetly Merlin?

Merlin: Tip number one, shout the spell the loudest you can as Arthur probably won't hear you, he never really does and if he does notice, just say you are singing a song for morale, a tune you heard at the tavern. I have used that excuse so many times that Arthur thinks I am a aspiring singer. He never fails to break my hopes and dreams and say I am really not that good. He might not believe you singing though. So just say you are planning outloud your next detective novel which you'll never be confident enough to show anybody.

Merlin: So only me and you know about this Morgana invasion.

Mordred: Because someone accidentily telepathically communicated the details to you.

Merlin: They were like, we invade camelot at 9, are you in? And I was like, well I live there, so would I be technically be invading? And also dinners at nine, so I can't make it. Except I didn't say all that, for obvious reasons.

Mordred: I get accidental telepathic thoughts communicated to me all the time, just last month someone asked me, through the powerful channel of the mind to pass the salt and I thought surely that's by accident because can't they just reach out and get the salt.

Merlin: The salt was literally right next to your hand.

Mordred: Let's focus on the invasion, how are we going to stop it?

Merlin:...We could tell Arthur.

Mordred: Oh I telepathically intercepted a mind message because I am a wizard.

Merlin: And don't worry I'm not going to try to kill you but another powerful sorcerer and her army are paying us a visit tonight and they want to kill you.

Merlin: We could tell the knight to be on guard tonight because there's going to be... a dance of between me and you in the field. That'll be the only reason for them to say awake, especially Gwaine.

Mordred: I'm not dancing while thousands of arrows are aiming at us.

Merlin: It would be like dance off extreme.

Mordred: You could call your suspiciously tall lizzard friend and have him happen to hover over the area about the same time with his wings which he has.

Merlin: No he's in a mood with me right now, I promised I would free him from the shackles which have held him for decades. I decided against the idea because my lizzard kept laughing evilly about the eventual destruction of camelot.

This has probably been done before but I thought it would be fun. I have written about Gwaine. So here are some others:

Merlin: Mordred, I am also a sorcerer.

Mordred: I didn't realise that, I just thought that mind communication was the new WhatsApp.

Merlin: Leon, there is something I need to tell you. I am a sorcerer.

Leon: I really appreciate you trusting me enough to tell me this but I started thinking you were a sorecerer when I didn't die for the fourth time.

Merlin: Percival. I am a sorcerer. So I am able to do magic.

Percival: Tell me the truth, have you ever been tempted to turn someone you didn't like into a frog. And then walk away and pretend that you did not turn that person into a frog.

(...)

Mordred: You only told me two things, and that was don't get caught and keep the king alive and not kidnapped.

Leon: Bakes a perfect Victoria sponge cake with a light dusting of icing powder.

Gwaine: Accidentily knocks over Leon's cake.

Percival: Was meant to be baking a cake but got confused and made a meringue however the meringue was delicious.

Mordred: Burns his cake many times but uses magic to fix it.

Morgana: Tries to use mind control to win star baker.

Merlin: His cake accidentily flies out of the window while using magic, spends most of his time anyway keeping Arthur's jam from burning.

Elyan: Elyan, who is taking the competition seriously, is suspicious of Mordred. He wins 1st on the technical challenge but his showstopper is magically upstaged by Mordreds' cake.

Arthur: keeps messing up his cake, the judges did like his jam though.

King: so what were you doing outside the castle grounds?

Elyan: we were simply passing by.

Percival: on our way somewhere. Somewhere which was...not here.

King: where?

Elyan: to camelot.

King: but where had you come from ?

Gwaine: the tavern but don't tell our boss

(Gwaine winks)

King: I can't make any promises, it might come up when we are at war.

Gwaine: wait what?

King: we came to an agreement that you would not step foot on our land and we would not step foot on yours. Any deviating from that would risk war.

Gwaine: I love war as much as the next person.

Percival: So me right? as I also love war.

(Leon tensely talks through his teeth)

Leon: Gwaine if you are making a point can you get to it now.

Gwaine: but my king would say, Gwaine fighting isn't always the answer it's -

Mordred: betrayl.

Elyan: having a conversation for once.

Percival: flattery.

Gwaine: I forgot what I was going to say.

King: well you've really convinced me not to announce war.

Gwaine: I know you are being sarcastic but can you actually be convinced, we will send our king into cardiac arrest if we tell him war is scheduled for Wednesday.

Percival: if we do have to go to war I actually can't do Wednesday.

King: if we go to war, I promise to declare it not on a Wednesday.

Leon: I don't mean to be a bother but Thursday, I can't do Thursday.

Percival: I have something on either Monday or Thursday also.

King: is this a scheme to buy more time for your king.

Percival: no I'm just badly organised.

Leon: Percival, you can't admit to the enemy that you are disorganised, they could use it against you.

King: you do know I can hear you.

Leon: well now you know my character flaw, speaking too loudly in inappropriate situations.

Gwaine: that's my flaw actually, yours is over worrying about me.

Percival: tell me the truth, have you ever been tempted to turn someone you didn't like into a frog. And then walk away and pretend that you did not turn that person into a frog