värdelös

I think it’s partly grief for sure but in general I? Is it cus I’m in school or what. I enjoy school

But I think it might be throwing me out of whack just being around people lol. Which doesn’t make sense but I guess it’s different being in the middle of it and having to “prove myself” & perform in a different way than just having some assigned role. It’s at least better now than when I first started going to campus cus writing this I remember I hated it hated it hated it, it really was like being 15 again I just hated it so much

Now it’s better which I hadn’t realized until now actually but which is good, I’m glad

As a whole though it’s just . Hard

Hard to do things at all hard to get out of bed out of my seat out the door

I’m just here. Lie here sit here stand here. Today I was going to get up at 10AM and do things but I got up at 7PM like. Fun. I wasn’t tired I just could not bring myself to get up even though I wanted to in a way and knew I should

A voice in me is still struggling and trying to get me to move but it’s like I’m locked in place because I don’t have nearly enough will and I don’t know why that is

I don’t like it the days just waste away

I don’t do a lot during the day anyway and think time passes too quickly in general but this past bunch of months I’ve just gotten worse I feel like

Which again I can get because yeah. I guess it’s just a little strange to go through though because I really did feel like I was doing much better but going through this loss I’m realising that I’m really not as functional as I thought I was without something grounding me

I need something to . Be me

I don’t feel like me I just feel like I’m in some? Little corner that I want to get out of but stick to at the same time and it’s just so hard to bust myself out of there. I don’t want to be there I DONT. But I don’t leave it’s so strange to have this back and forth with myself

I know well & good I’ll regret it when I don’t do things and let the passive side win but I don’t know what it is that lets that happen anyway. It’s hard

I’ve started beating myself up so much too and it’s just bruh why

I need to. Force myself into some routine I guess so I can drag myself out of this but what I’m saying is that it’s tough having to do that in the first place lol

I just wanna be happy and my better self without having to stay on my toes all the time for that to happen, making an effort to keep my head above water while I just want to be able to relax without going under

I don’t think it’s a unique problem lol but I’m just yea

DEPRESSION. Who knew lol

I’d go to therapy too and maybe I will sometime but I feel like I’ll just hear advice and solutions I know well enough already. Holds my brothers hand I just want a fix and a break but

Not too bothered by it I just feel kind of out of place

Anger and sadness and outrage

Joy and excitement as well

Where is it

Yes I’ve despaired

And I guess sometimes I’m glad I don’t feel much

But in moments I think others would feel more

And be broken

I wonder if I’m enough when I just stand there

or if there’s something missing

That was never there in me but that’s there for others

Or if it’s trapped behind a wall to crack through or some place that I’ve got to unlock

I don’t know

its never that i dont care or that im just handling things well i think i actually disconnect