I really donât know what it is like I donât know why Ive started feeling and acting like this again
I think itâs partly grief for sure but in general I? Is it cus Iâm in school or what. I enjoy school
But I think it might be throwing me out of whack just being around people lol. Which doesnât make sense but I guess itâs different being in the middle of it and having to âprove myselfâ & perform in a different way than just having some assigned role. Itâs at least better now than when I first started going to campus cus writing this I remember I hated it hated it hated it, it really was like being 15 again I just hated it so much
Now itâs better which I hadnât realized until now actually but which is good, Iâm glad
As a whole though itâs just . Hard
Hard to do things at all hard to get out of bed out of my seat out the door
Iâm just here. Lie here sit here stand here. Today I was going to get up at 10AM and do things but I got up at 7PM like. Fun. I wasnât tired I just could not bring myself to get up even though I wanted to in a way and knew I should
A voice in me is still struggling and trying to get me to move but itâs like Iâm locked in place because I donât have nearly enough will and I donât know why that is
I donât like it the days just waste away
I donât do a lot during the day anyway and think time passes too quickly in general but this past bunch of months Iâve just gotten worse I feel like
Which again I can get because yeah. I guess itâs just a little strange to go through though because I really did feel like I was doing much better but going through this loss Iâm realising that Iâm really not as functional as I thought I was without something grounding me
I need something to . Be me
I donât feel like me I just feel like Iâm in some? Little corner that I want to get out of but stick to at the same time and itâs just so hard to bust myself out of there. I donât want to be there I DONT. But I donât leave itâs so strange to have this back and forth with myself
I know well & good Iâll regret it when I donât do things and let the passive side win but I donât know what it is that lets that happen anyway. Itâs hard
Iâve started beating myself up so much too and itâs just bruh why
I need to. Force myself into some routine I guess so I can drag myself out of this but what Iâm saying is that itâs tough having to do that in the first place lol
I just wanna be happy and my better self without having to stay on my toes all the time for that to happen, making an effort to keep my head above water while I just want to be able to relax without going under
I donât think itâs a unique problem lol but Iâm just yea
DEPRESSION. Who knew lol
Iâd go to therapy too and maybe I will sometime but I feel like Iâll just hear advice and solutions I know well enough already. Holds my brothers hand I just want a fix and a break but
I donât think thereâs one.


















