Strength

BEFORE your appointment

Think about bringing a friend/family member with you. No, they don’t have to go in the room with you (unless you want them to) but this is good so you won’t have to drive while panicking/afraid and you’ll also have some moral support. This should be someone who knows what’s going on and what you’re feeling. It should be someone you’re 100% comfortable having with you because if they’re not, that discomfort just isn’t going to help things. You don’t need that on top of your anxiety. I personally only have one person that fits those criteria but unfortunately she had to work and couldn’t get out of it so I ended up going on my own.

Write everything down. This was HUGE help for me. This is good so you don’t have to do as much speaking and you don’t have to speak out loud about things you’re afraid to say (so basically for me, the fact that I was raped and that I was terrified. I can barely talk about it out loud and I think I’ve only spoken the words “I was raped” twice). Also just speaking in general may feel kind of impossible in that moment if you’re terrified like I was so writing it down is good. It’s totally up to you what you write. Here’s basically what I personally wrote:

I started out with a general note stating I was sexually assaulted and that I was terrified about this appointment. It then had a little list; 1. Please tell me exactly what you’re going to do before doing it; 2. I may have to ask you to stop if it becomes too much - I’m not sure what I can handle; 3. Preferably use the smallest instruments possible and use a lot of lube (I added this because I was afraid it was going to hurt); and then as a bit of a warning for her - 4. There’s a good chance I may start crying or have a panic attack

The other note I wrote listed off the exact reasons I was there. It started off with a list of my last 3 periods and the duration of each one. For me personally, that specific info is important but in general I think they just like to know when your last one was

100% honest summary of my appointment NOTE: If reading details of how an appointment went will make things worse for you, please stop here.

Walked in, gave my name, filled out paperwork, the usual, then sat down and waited to be called. I was basically frozen in fear at this point. 

A few minutes later I was called in. A nurse took down my info (meds I’m on, etc.) I’m not sure how this part will go for some of you because I had set my appointment up online and was able to add a general reason for why I was there, so the nurse didn’t ask any of that. If you didn’t do this, you are totally able to tell them you’re not comfortable saying it and they’ll move on

She left and I got changed into the stereotypical gown. I was on the verge of sobbing so I stayed as occupied as possible by checking my email on my phone then reading posters on the walls. Still cried a bit but that prevented a full blown panic attack

The doctor finally came on, introduced herself and shook my hand

She sat down and began to start discussing everything. I told her I wrote everything down for her to read and I handed over the 2 notes. 

I didn’t have to speak much besides giving a few details here and there while she read what I wrote which was a huge relief.

She started by telling me what she’ll do during the appointment and what each thing is checking/testing for

After that she showed me every instrument she’d be using (which added up to literally 3 things)

When she started doing everything she asked if I work. I told her I volunteer at an animal shelter and she started talking about her dog. This conversation was a little bit of a distraction which I think she knew it would be and I’m very grateful

The only pauses in the conversation were right before each new test. She held up what she was about to use, told me exactly what she’ll do with it then reminded me what it was for 

One of them caused a brief moment of pain (and by “brief” I honestly mean 5-10 seconds) which made my panic skyrocket and she talked me through it the second she realized how I was reacting

She periodically asked me if I was doing okay

When everything was done, we went over bloodwork I’ll need to get done, etc. then said, “You survived. You did it.” She shook my hand again then the appointment was over

I started crying as I was getting dressed and I’m still not sure if that was due to anxiety or relief 

General notes/suggestions

Get a female doctor. Having a male doctor won’t help things. Unless you’re more comfortable with a male doctor then definitely do that. 

For some people it may be easier if you get a younger doctor. That’s totally up to you but that’s what I did

Remember that unlike what you went through, you are in control here. If you can’t handle something, ask her to stop and she will. You. Are. In. Control.

What I suggest is to try and get everything done. As I said just now, yes you can absolutely stop. But if you’re able to fight through it, try to do that. This way you won’t have to make another appointment and go through all of this again.

If you don’t feel safe with the doctor, you need to get a new one. You need someone you immediately feel comfortable with. Well, not comfortable - these appointments aren’t comfortable for anyone. But someone you feel will respect you, what you’ve gone through and how you feel.

Make sure you have something to do after your appointment to lift up your mood or at least distract you so you won’t feel as overwhelmed and can calm down. This can be anything. Texting a friend, going out to eat, hanging out with someone, watching videos, writing, reading, you get the idea.

I will not lie. It was scary and I was on the verge of panicking through a good portion of the appointment (thankfully I was able to focus on the doctor’s voice and occasionally be distracted from what was going on though). It’s been 4 hours since my appointment. I’m still a little shaky and anxious, but that’s slowly going away. I’m kinda zoned out and I’m exhausted from the intensity of the fear and anxiety I’d been feeling.  But there’s also relief because it’s over. Despite how anxious and afraid I was, it wasn’t actually as traumatizing as I thought it would be. Obviously that will vary for each individual. But keep in mind here that I had to wait 1 and a half months for this appointment which gave me so much time to overthink everything and imagine so many different scenarios.