Hangin' By a Thread

Practicing gratitude forces me inward and acts as a mirror reflecting back on all of my life’s experiences and choices–the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I have come to understand these reflections are a gift, even if they don’t seem like it at the time. In sheer desperation, with hopes of saving myself from the depths of despair in the early months of deep grief that followed…

It’s only been a week. . .

  A week ago at this exact time (it’s 7:45 a.m. as I sat down to write) two of my grandbabes had stayed over and we were all just waking up. It’s my favorite time of the day when they’re over. We snuggle, we sip juice and coffee, we eat whip cream straight from the can, and we figure out what we are going to eat for breakfast and what we are going to do that morning. Last week at this time,…

Goals, resolutions, and intentions: They’re good. They’re bad. And it’s probably gonna get ugly.

I’ve spent the last couple of days simultaneously doing everything and doing nothing. It has been glorious–just me, myself, and I–along with a huge fuzzy blanket and my couch. In between the times that I’ve been curled up, mindlessly scrolling through my newsfeeds, I’ve cleaned a closet (which created space for all my outdoor gear to be in one place), ordered my essentials for the new year (a…

10 days later. Feeling sloth-like but grateful.

Today’s run was a tough one. Not because it was a lot of miles or on challenging terrain, but because it was my first run (other than a 15 min run yesterday) in 10 days. I came home after a long run with friends on the 15th and a few hours later a stomach bug, or something of the sort,  hit me hard. I was leveled for 48 hours and then it took another four days after that for my stomach to return to a non-queasy state. Thankfully, I recovered just in time for a three-day holiday binge–I say that rather tongue-in-cheek, of course–and now I am feeling rather sloth-like, to put it mildly. A  week of soda crackers and sherbet coupled with very little greens, followed by way too much fat and sugar for the next few days and my body is currently screaming at me to return it to homeostasis. STAT! (But please give me more sugar first!)

While I obviously don’t enjoy being sick or feeling like a sloth due to self-inflicted over-indulgence, and while I absolutely despise being slowed down, I realized throughout this time of unplanned rest that I am a pro at taking my usual good health for granted. I lament when I’m not well but I rarely give thanks for wellness. I realized this about a day into my stomach bug and it caused me to take a hard pause. A very hard pause. I’ve spent the last 10 days doing a lot of soul-searching, reflecting hardcore on my life’s journey- where I’ve been, where I’m at, where I’m going, and what I need to do to get there.

Throughout this hard pause, I’ve given myself space to recover and rest, which is not my usual M-O. Normally, I would have pushed too hard, too soon, causing my sickness to linger.  I’d beat myself up relentlessly for eating too much and for not dealing with the stress that preempted my sickness. I’d be whiny and victimy about all of it. But I’m not. I’m just feeling grateful. (It’s weird and I like it.) During this hard pause, I have listened to my body and my soul and allowed myself space to JUST BE.  And now, as I’ve been writing this, I’ve realized that I have not attached shame to any of it. NONE OF IT. No shame for resting, or not dealing with things that led to stress-overload and sickness, for not being grateful, and especially for the over-indulgence. It’s brand-spanking new territory for me and I’m kinda feeling ridiculously free and peaceful at the moment. Tired and still battling a sugar hangover, but free and peaceful nonetheless. 

I’m heading into the new year with a renewed sense of gratitude and new feelings of self-worth and love that have been absent in my life for a very long time. I wish you all love and light and wellness as we journey into 2019. Give yourself permission and space to take a hard pause now and then. Remind yourself that you are awesome and worthy of all the beautiful things that life has to offer. Thank you all for being a part of my life’s journey in 2018.  I am so very grateful.

P.S. If you want to hit the trails sometime in the new year, give me a shout. We can walk, hike, or run. Pace doesn’t matter. Part of my giving back this year is to be there for others that want to experience wellness through the beauty of the trail. Maybe you are new to trail running or maybe you don’t want to go by yourself. Please, just reach out. Life is too short to run alone. 

Shaken and shattered. . .

Our family (except for my niece Jenna who lives in Florida) on July 4, 2012. This would be our last family picture. The crash site on Highway 12 between Willmar and Kandiyohi, MN.

  Our family after my niece and sister-in-law’s funeral on August 24, 2012. We mustered smiles through the tears. . .

  For those of you reading this that might not know my family’s story,…

Facing Fears and Finding Me: Part 3

No, silly, that’s not me! Someday soon though, someday soon . . .      I can’t believe it’s been two months since the last “installment” about my weight-loss and fitness journey. Boy, time flies when you’re counting calories. I am happy to report that I am down just over 25 pounds since that first gut-wrenching moment when I hopped on the scale at the end of January. Yay me!      My latest…

Facing fears and finding me part two…

So, I did it! It’s been about a little over a month now since stepping foot on a scale for the first time in nearly a decade. I sucked it up and stepped on and boy, was I surprised. I weighed 40 pounds more than I thought–30 pounds more than the ‘worst case scenario’ number I had in my head! I got on and off the scale three times just to make sure.

Crazy I know. I am an intelligent human being.…

Facing fears and finding me…

Part of truly being yourself is owning your story. Today, I’m owning a pretty big part of mine… I did something today that absolutely T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D me, something I have avoided- successfully or not, depending upon how you look at it- for years. My heart is still pounding a bit, but thanks to one-click shopping at Amazon.com I didn’t have time to stop and think before I tossed it into my…

Because I run. . .

(Language warning.)

Because I run. . .

As I was slogging through my morning run today in this ridiculously toasty weather, I found myself lamenting about my current condition. I was hot, thirsty, my legs were feeling rather log-like, and I was kind of whiny. I was only a little over a mile in when I began thinking. . .

“Running is so hard.”

“This is so damn hard.”

“My legs felt worse today than…

January 14, 2018 Day bazillion of a wicked painful sinus infection that has left me very puffy and exhausted. I haven’t ran in a week and I’m kind of going crazy but trying really hard to be patient with the healing process.  Yesterday I surrendered to the Minute Clinic and finally got a healthy dose of antibiotics. It had been a ridiculously long time coming. If I’m being honest, I have been…

Frosty hair and eyelashes on my first run of 2018. That stuff happens when it feels like 20 below.  January 1- First Run of the New Year I hit the trails today for the first time in weeks. It didn’t matter that the “feels like” temp was -20, ALL of my being just needed to be outside and moving, regardless of the weather or how I felt. (Multiple illnesses kept me down during the last half of…

The never-ending battle with my closet ends now. Yes, I’ve likely said that before and even blogged about this. But, this time, it’s for real. I swear. I am not really sure when my quest for simplicity began. I know it goes back to at least 2009 or so when I bought the book Complete Idiot’s Guide to Simple Living.  I don’t exactly know what prompted me to buy the book, but I’m pretty confident it…

Snapped this pic in the bus station bathroom shortly before my eventful lunch. It was a beautiful late spring day in June and I was comfortably nestled into my cozy little outdoor table at a corner pub on Pearl Street.  I’m sipping my beer while waiting for my food and I’m people watching, marveling in the incredible eclectic-ness of this place. Locals, tourists, business folk, hippy-looking…

Me, five minutes after waking on the morning after a four-day holiday feeding frenzy.  Yes, I felt as rough as I looked. At one point I would have been so shame-filled about my overindulging that I never could have posted a picture like this. Not anymore. I’ve evolved. I know that most of the time I choose well. My worth is not defined by a temporary lapse in judgment. And neither is yours.  It…

Navigating change. . . without completely losing yourself in the process

“”The process of metamorphosis is scary and sometimes painful, but it is also the way to experience wonderful new adventures we weren’t even able to imagine in our “caterpillar” identities. Accept the process: care for yourself, dream big, work hard, and keep learning. Then don’t be surprised when one morning, you wake up to find that you have wings.” ~Martha Bec  C-H-A-N-G-E. The dreaded “C”…