no matter how it may seem, I'll never belong to that city

Shit. Did she have to say it so loud too? It immediately attracted the attention of Tobias and Pippa.

"Yeah! If you want to, of course. We could use some keyboards," Pippa gave them an inviting, perked up smile. 

Lennon looked over at Tobias before they even knew it. The guitarist had an unreadable, mildly surprised expression on his face, before he uttered:

"Y-yeah. Come join."

Lennon was still tempted to run, but against their better judgement, they nodded, uttering:

"Sure."

Why, oh why in the fresh hell did they do that? Aside from everything else, they'd also have to stress about playing in the right key and not messing up the whole song when Tobias is right there, probably evaluating them. They still haven't recovered from the last time.

They were well-aware of their negative thinking flaring up. They knew they weren't always like this, but it was one of those days where it seemed bound to go all wrong, and the overarching thing with Eliana, Pippa and Tobias forming a pact and them secretly longing to be a part of it, but not feeling like they could be a real part of it, was putting another damp on things. 

Taking a deep breath and trying their absolute hardest not to think of Tobias in particular, or look over at him, they took their place at the keyboards.

"I already prepared a part for you," Eliana chattered happily, hovering over them. Did she plan it prior? What did Pippa and Tobias really think? "We're currently just playing some interesting pieces for practice, and refining the ones that we are meant to play in France. Our newbies still have trouble with Galactic Blues, it's a tricky one..."

Lennon nodded, still having a hard time speaking. Their hands were shaking a bit, but the muscle memory pulled through this time, and they played a few chords. Then, something struck them.

"I... think I have an easier way to get you guys to memorise Galactic Blues better," they threw in the direction of the newbies, not daring to look at them. "Just follow my lead."

They played their piano part pretty effortlessly, having done it many times before, and the guitarist and bassist followed, with Ellie setting the rhythm on drums.

For a minute, everyone seemed to be lost in music, even holding their breath. The piano was truly setting a special mood, and a pretty special moment. 

Tobias and Pippa seemed to be doing much better with the accompaniment, not missing any notes. Lennon finally mustered up the courage to look their way.

Tobias seemed to be in hyperfocus, not seeing anything around but his guitar. Pippa, on the other hand, was trying to hold back a smile, the kind that lights up one's entire face.

Did she feel that too? The synergy?

When it was over, everyone was quiet for mere seconds. Tobias was the first one to snap out of it.

"Wow," he grinned. "It was so... The keyboards really changed the game. Um... Thanks, Lennon."

Can he ever not look you right in the eye, Lennon thought? They still couldn't handle that, and they had no idea what to say not to sound robotic, so they just nodded, mustering a very small smile.

"Okay, that was beautiful. Warrants a little break, I think," Ellie said. "Well, to be honest, I just need to get some water, and it's somewhere in my backpack."

With their peripheral vision, Lennon saw Tobias exchanging quick looks with Pippa, her nodding at him, and him clearing his throat and... making a beeline right in the direction of the keyboards?

Oh god. There goes the whole resolution to get over the silly crush and stay away from him.

"Hey."

That smirk again. Not arrogant, not fake, but so welcoming, slightly shy even. Why did it have to be so perfect?

"Genuinely, thanks. I... I, uh... Ellie said that we – Pippa and I – were both struggling with that piece, but really, it was me who was struggling. Ellie was even a bit annoyed with me, haha. But... your accompaniment made it go so smoothly, it was like I immediately found the rhythm. Like my part only started making sense together with the piano. Ha... I'm rambling, sorry."

"No, no, it's fine," Lennon reassured him automatically, looking past him and not daring to meet his eyes. "I'm... glad that you... found some clarity."

"So, um..." Tobias was still firmly there, not leaving. "How long have you played piano? And you said you knew guitar a bit too, right?"

"Yeah, I do," they raised their gaze at him, still not quite meeting the eye. "I actually owe everything to my big brother, Sébastien. He had a guitar at home, and I thought he was such a prodigy. He even tried to teach me some guitar, but... then me and my mom left France, and... well, he wasn't there anymore to teach me, but as he was getting older, he began joining bands at school, just like ours right now, and I was watching his videos and wanted to be like him even more. Where I lived before we moved to Twinbrook, my mom signed me up for some piano lessons because she herself used to play it – we have this old one at home that has seen some things, I mean, it’s been there through all the moves – and I guess I didn't mind, my teacher was pretty great, although sometimes I still had this dream to properly learn guitar like Séb, which I only got to practice, well, about last year when I joined the band. And now, I'm here, and–”

They paused, catching a breath and finally looking Tobias in the eye, suddenly aware of how much they just talked, and of his usual, insanely piercing gaze.

Surprisingly, Tobias seemed to be listening with intent. Why did he have to be so nice, too? Why couldn't he make it easier by having at least one flaw?

“Oh, I forgot! My grandma is coming over today, I need to help her with something,” Lennon knew it was only a half-truth. They were just running, once again. Running from how uncomfortable this moment of vulnerability felt, deep down. "It was nice to talk, Tobias. Hey, Ellie, I've gotta go."

"Lennon–" Ellie peeked from the dressing room, where she was likely meditating or something, because it was definitely taking her long to simply drink water.

"Pippa, it was really nice to play with you. Bye, guys, until next time," and with these words, they were outside the hall, leaving Tobias once again with a puzzled look.

"What's wrong? Did I do something wrong again?" he shrugged, looking at Pippa, who could only shrug back.

"Again?" Ellie wondered. "No, no, Tobias, it's fine. They just... tend to get a bit overwhelmed."

"By me? Oh boy, I knew it," Tobias sighed.

"No, not by you, definitely not! You know, by... everything..." Ellie tried to reassure him unconvincingly, and Pippa, ever the observer, felt like it was up to her to deescalate the situation.

"I think they just genuinely forgot about the grandma thing," she said. "We'll see them tomorrow, we can learn more. But, you guys, have you seen the way the four of us connect musically? We definitely need Lennon in more rehearsals, if they're up to it. And we need to make them feel comfortable."

Tobias rolled his eyes a little, as if trying to say "they already seem uncomfortable by my sole presence, what can I do". But afterwards, he uttered:

"I must admit, though... The goddamn Galactic Blues made so, so much sense with the piano. My eyes were opened. I need the piano at all times."

"I know you do," Pippa smirked. "Perhaps, we could do something nice for them? Not to bribe them, of course, ha. But... so that they feel more at ease with us here. We're new, after all. They probably are more open with you, El."

"Yeah…" Ellie nodded. “Well, not always, but sometimes.”

“Wait, I have an idea. Lightbulb moment!” Tobias announced, making a striking pose as if he was posing for a monument made of him. “Ellie, you gotta tell me. What’s their go-to coffee? I might… buy them a coffee tomorrow before practice. From– from me and Pippa. Well, uh, all so they’d stay for the extra practice with us later on. Or does that count as bribery, Pip?”

Pippa seemed a bit speechless. “Oh, no, not at all!” she shook her head, a little mockingly.

“Lavender,” Ellie said, after a little staring contest between Tobias and Pippa, which made them turn their heads back to her.

“What?”

“They like all things lavender. That’s even their cat’s name. A lavender coffee would do the trick. Um, not like I want to “trick” my friend into–”

“That’s fine, Ellie. Think of it more like a nice gesture for them to feel more comfortable with us,” Pippa smirked, still side-eyeing Tobias a bit. “Lavender it is.”

***

Lennon felt like it really just wasn’t their day at all. On their way home, they regretted storming off like that many times, as now they were sure if the others didn’t already find them weird by now, they definitely did at that point.

The truth was, they felt perceived. At normal rehearsals, they were a quiet, brooding keyboardist, maybe on par with the serene and withdrawn Marcelo by their memorability. And they were still feeling at home with all the talented musicians around them, feeling like they were contributing to the band without having to be a big personality or a center of attention. Now, they felt put on the spot. 

But was this the only reason?

No, it wasn’t. The sheer cringe of telling Tobias their entire life story just like that. What came over them? They were doing so well so far to maintain some respectful distance with him and not ruin things with him completely in the literal second week of knowing him.

Better let him think they’re this wise sage or whatever Luz said. That’s what makes people like them, at least a little bit. They think that and don’t push too hard to know their real self. They should be grateful to Luz for the pointer.

Ellie was the only friend they’ve ever had who did see below the surface, and seemed to like them for how they are, but sometimes it felt like even with her there are some unspoken things and secrets. Lennon knew there were some on their side, for sure. Ellie knew some things, but they never really got deep into how messed up their life was. 

How hard leaving France truly was as a small child, how they still dream of it and feel a gaping hole in their heart without their brother, how they hate their dad and miss their ex-stepmom that was the only steady in their life after they moved to Starlight Shores aside maybe from their music teacher, how one day everything changed and Tiffany just moved them to Twinbrook without any explanation and they had to start anew, how she’s trying to bring that life and Lucien back now but it’s far too late now and leaving Twinbrook, even for France, would break them. How they were bullied and excluded everywhere they went, and they’re holding onto the band for dear life now and trying to keep that under control. Perhaps, they themselves tried not to dwell too much on these things, for their own good.

Besides, Ellie never told them about the whole lawyer-doctor thing. Lennon just now realised she masterfully evaded all the questions about her future the whole time they were friends. Was she lying all this time? Did the band even mean anything to her? And they knew they had no right to speak, as showing the true extent of their appreciation to the band didn’t come easy to them and they didn’t want to attract too much attention anyway, but the band meant everything to them, and the thought of it ever ending was unbearable. 

But they couldn’t talk about that to Ellie. It wasn’t fair. She did deserve a better fate, and was destined for it.

As if things weren't already grim for Lennon's self-esteem today, their excuse to leave the band manifested into reality. Grandma Ngozi was indeed over, probably indoctrinating Tiffany with her agenda again on how she should strive to have a full family at all costs, and it doesn't matter that Ngozi’s own holding onto her partner for the sake of a “full family” didn't help anyone at all, with Tiffany growing up to be, well, Tiffany, and the partner themself dying of a stroke rather young.

“Lennon!” she greeted them, although they were very much hoping to disappear into the safety of their room. “I was just talking to your mom, she said you had band practice today?”

The young musician rolled their eyes so hard they thought they'd do a backflip, since they've been in a band for a considerable amount of time and Ngozi could never remember on which days they had practice.

“Yes, dear, how was the band?” Tiffany echoed her mother.

“Good,” Lennon shrugged, attempting to smile uncomfortably. “Nothing outstanding, we just practiced some pieces.”

“Well, you do remember you also have to study and get good grades so you could, you know, get a real job in the future,” Ngozi went straight for the kill. “Bands don't play bills, you see.”

“Yeah, of course,” Lennon normally didn't feel phased as it wasn't the first time Ngozi said something like this, but it was the absolute last thing they needed to hear right now, as they were already spiraling. “Alright, I'm gonna go to my room to study.”

They could hear Ngozi continuing to coach Tiffany on how to get Lucien back, the bits and pieces like “you already know him, it will be fine…” getting to them. So it's Lucien time again, because apparently attempts to find Lennon a new mommy or daddy have failed. Nice.

Truthfully, they didn't even tell Tiffany yet about that trip to France. Her first reaction would be insistently encouraging them to visit father dearest and grovel in front of him, when they were always only interested in seeing Sébastien, the person they were actually always close with. And, yes, Tiffany might have been going through a crisis, but after all they had a hard time to even feel sorry for her.

But they knew they had to tell her eventually so she could sign the slip. And this was another overwhelming thing on top of them already being so overwhelmed. This semester has only started, and it already hasn’t been easy on them, they thought.

Normally, their go-to thing would be playing piano to calm down, but right now, it only reminded them of that dark cloud that was over them. How would they escape it?

They couldn’t even confront the elephant in the room for fear of crumbling.

And the real question, lingering, trying to come to surface, was – why were they so weird, so different? Why does their experience feel so fundamentally not like everyone else's? Is that why they want connection but keep running from it? Because no one will ever understand? No one has ever lived through the same thing, and no one will get it, and to let someone close, they’d have to be open about it, and the last thing they want to see is someone’s pitying gaze?

Damn, this was a lot. This only proved the point. They’re a lot.

They sat like this, unmoving, for a rather long time, just letting their thoughts pass. Not even the tears were coming, which they hated, as this surely should come easier for them.

Emma once taught them some deep breaths when they were nervous before a piano performance, and they tried holding to that like a lifeline in times like this.

As close as they were sometimes to abandoning all hope, a part of them, a small flicker inside them still wanted to try to make someone understand. Maybe not now, maybe gradually, eventually, and it would be hard and messy and overwhelming but it will pay off. At least they wouldn't be faking it. It's a good thing, right?

So they'd start again, all over. They'd just grit their teeth and try, try, try again, try again and again, try different approaches, work on themself, make themself uncomfortable, push things, mend things, break things, until something sticks.

That’s what they’ll do.

… Maybe they do have to practice some piano, after all. So that their hands don't shake as much next time during Galactic Blues.

***

A/N:

I've been working on this chapter since January and in a way I'm happy that I took a bit of time with it, as originally it was supposed to go a little differently towards the end but I caught a timeline inconsistency. I really need a lore keeper lol

Finally the four come together as a band! And there might now be some idea of where their band name will come from in the future.

Anyway, Lennon is spiraling again (they won't be for much longer, I promise... or, well, at least not that badly. It wasn't a good day for them and they're just not dealing well with so much drastic change and revelations). For this chapter I was actually a bit inspired (at least subconsciously) by my new favourite game, In Stars and Time, its exploration of mental health and the protag's reserved personality and feelings towards their friend group. This pushed me to go deeper as it's a bit similar to how Lennon feels at this point. But they'll gradually be working on it and learning to accept changes and love from other people and also understand them better.

Also I've been meaning to make Ngozi for a while but my game crashed once as I made her lol. But the fam expands and I like that a) they all wear glasses so bad eyesight runs in the family, and b) it explains where some of Tiffany's issues come as well (although Lennon is often harsh on her from their own perspective and resentment). Love me some generational trauma...

Here's a close-up of young Ngozi!