| Take Space |

People assume that they know my life. That they know the path I walk on. That they know all the little things about me. That I don’t love myself. But reality is, you know only what I tell you.

What you don’t know is this, my marriage isn’t built on a lie, it wasn’t forced, it’s a marriage built on foundation and trust, and it’s like every other relationship with its ups and downs. I chose my partner not because he makes me feel butterflies, but because he makes me feel safe. He makes me better than I was yesterday, he pushes me to my goals, he doesn’t let me give up on my goals and dreams, he forces me to do things like forgive others when I don’t want to, and he sees me for me. He doesn’t judge my past, and in fact, if he had the chance and I was willingly, he’d hunt down the perpetrator and put them in their place and let the world know who, and what this perpetrator did along with their protector. I know that without a doubt, my partner would go to the ends of the earth to protect me.

In my darkest times, I hated myself the most. I allowed myself to sink to the bottom and stayed there. I blamed everything one my partner and chose not to have a part in my marriage. I have cried so many silent tears, I have yearned for the people I love most, and I have lived my life alone, but still surrounded by people who don’t care for me. In order to dig myself out, I started with where things went wrong with me. I told my parents about being a survivor, then by drawing boundaries and holding them.

I am not perfect, I am not always happy, I am not always lovable, but I will never judge you for what happened to you, for your experiences, and for the things you cannot control in your life. I will always wish you happiness and love.

In my darkest hours, I have learned what it means to truly be alone and lonely. To be so isolated where you only have your own mind talking to you. It takes you to dark places, it makes you hate you. But in hating yourself, you see your flaws, you see your imperfections and you see all the hurt and pain you carry.

In my darkest hours, I held onto so much anger for four years. Blame shifting to others, especially my partner for what happened to me. I hated others for what they were doing to me, rightfully so. When I started this process of rebuilding, several revelations were made to me and I realized, I was and am not wrong in some of my emotions. By association, I am right to have my boundaries and carry the hate I have for certain people. Do not blame me for your mistakes. I placed my trust is the worst person, and was burned for it. Scorched. Now I know better. The saying is fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me. There will never be a third time.

In today’s time, I hold to my boundaries. I don’t need and want you in my life anymore, just like I don’t care to have this perpetrator in my life anymore. It is inevitable that I will cross paths with you til the end of your time, but I will never acknowledge you again. Just know that. Let your truth haunt you, because I have dealt with my side of it already. You believe in your heart that one day I will come begging to be let back in your life, the thing is, I will never, and I hope you know and understand that.

I was forced in those four years to be alone, isolated from the people I love most in this world- left alone to my own mind. One day, if I were to be alone, without the people I love most in my life, I would be okay. I have walked that path. I know what it is like, and I am strong enough to never look back. I have a better relationship with myself now than before. It is not perfect, I still have a lot to work on, but I will never allow myself to fall again. I am done digging this hole and I am climbing out of it. At the end of the day, I have learned that the only person you can truly count on is yourself. There will be people who cross your path, but you need to be able to count only on you. And once you are able to do that, everything else is easy, so don’t give up on building the best relationship you can with yourself. Build yourself up, so that when the rest of the world comes crumbling down, you are still standing. Build yourself up, so that you never have to depend on others to make you feel good about yourself. Hold your head up high, and most of all, love you first always.

I felt so ashamed of so of the things that happened to me. I was so unwillingly to share them with anyone. Lost in my own thoughts and hatred, I was blinded.

You see, I’m a survivor. A survivor of sexual violence. It has taken me a long time to finally come to terms with this and to heal by telling my truth. A truth that I was fed to believe would destroy the very thing I love most, my family, if I said anything about it. Not knowing that by not saying anything, I was destroying the most important person along the way, myself.

I had lost myself in those years where I was playing survivor without even knowing it. I was on autopilot for so long, ignoring my deepest desire for the comfort and safety of others. In doing so, I was too busy focusing on other people and their problems not accepting my own and denying myself the liberty of freedom. 

You see, at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, I know it a number on people, myself included. It forced me to face my reality of being afraid of the truth. Facing my own personal truths have been difficult and unrelenting. It is exhausting unpacking your truth so that you can shift your own perspective of victim to survivor to healing. I think as someone who has been a victim to a horrendous experience and haunting experience, that we will always, always feel like the world can wrong us at any time, not realizing the damage we cause a long the way. 

When we accept our reality and our experiences, we begin to heal by telling our stories and teaching others why it is so important to listen to other people’s truths. There’s a connection there that can’t be missed, and one that can heal when we allow ourselves and others to just be human beings. When we connect with each other on a humanitarian level, we see that we are not alone in our pain and suffering - though it will look different from everyone. The journey ahead of us does not need to be lonely nor do we need to travel it alone. 

When I finally accepted my truth of not knowing how to care for myself, and not believing in myself, I found that I had so much healing to do. My inner child had been neglected for so long that the pain I was carrying caused a deep and large wound in my heart. When I finally stopped to listen to it, it gave me the strength to finally share my truth with two of the most important people in my life, my parents. As Asian children, especially Hmong children, we often are taught to sweep any signs of domestic violence under the rug. In my case, I swept it under the rug and kept on doing so until the mound of dirt could no long be hidden because it showed up in vicarious ways in my marriage. When I had finally shared with my parents what happened to me, a weight and burden I was carrying was lifted off my chest and I could finally embrace me like I wanted to do so long for so long. I changed my perspective from being hurt to how do I move forward with my truth.

I may be painted as a bad person in some peoples eyes, but I understand something that no one else in my family does right now. My drive and thirst for justice and righteousness is not wrong and I tend to see situations as they are, not as others perceive them to be. The truth is a hard pill to swallow, one that many people avoid swallowing for as long as they can until they are eaten up from the inside. I know my truth, and my strength has been revealed by it. My character has been revealed by my truth and I no longer live in the past of my pain, but live to see the future of the great things to come. I know that I will struggle, but I also know that my pain will no longer hold me back from being the person I am meant to be.

I am a caring, gentle, sensitive, compassionate and empathetic individual. One who really cares about the people I love. And that, I will never let anyone steal from me again. Hate me, dislike me all you want, try and isolate me all you want, but just know, that I carry your truth. And that alone, should scare you more than the lies and harm you want to keep on spreading.

No relationship is perfect, and all relationships has its ups and downs. At the end of the day, if it is not your relationship, then you have no say. You can try to influence it as much as you want, but know this, I know your truth. I don’t wish you any bad, but instead, I wish you peace. Like really. I wish you peach and freedom from the burdens you carry. If you ask me, will I ever let you back into my life, no. Never. The truth is, you can’t go where I’m going. I don’t have a big enough heart for you. And I don’t want you around when you rather protect this perpetrator instead of me, the victim.

It is a scary thought sharing such a personal part of me, but it is also the most important part of me as it has shaped me the most. The part of me that I closed off for so long, is finally being set free and setting ablaze to what needs to be torn down. This patriarchal ideal of “save face” can come down. I don’t need to save face, because my face was the one that was destroyed by someone else’s doing.

Over 15 years ago, I was groomed to fill the need of an individual who thought it was appropriate to view me as a sex object. Now, 15 or so years later, I have finally found the courage to speak out about my experience as I have started the process of healing and rebuilding the relationships most important to me.

Years ago, someone I once knew thought it was okay to attempt to make me into their own personal sex object. I was 15 years old, when my world came crashing down. I remember every detail, of every attempt, and I thought to myself "how could you?". I cried, I was terrified, I was shocked, I was hurt, I was angry- I didn't know what to do, what to say, or who to turn to- I was scared. For 5.5 years after that, I avoided going to certain places, doing certain things, and let my world come crashing down. I started to drift away from some of the people I love the most in the world, and put a mental block on those memories so that I could function.

In order to heal, move forward and let go, I had to come clean. The relationships that I had with the two most important people in my life were destroyed the day my world fell apart. Telling them was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it was also the greatest thing I've ever done for myself. I was carrying a burden by myself for so long, blaming myself for the things that happened to me. When I finally told them, it was like a weight was literally lifted off of me. I should have trusted them to help me when it first happened, and I didn't because I let my fear and their power control my life for so long - even into marriage.

Watching the Olympics the past few days to cheer on Suni Lee from Minnesota is like holding your breath unknowingly, and then her winning the gold metal for the all around games like a breath of fresh air. She won it for her, her family and her loved ones. She doesn’t and never owed this gold metal to anyone but herself, and she is proud of herself. I am proud of her. Our Hmong community across the globe is proud of her.

In so many ways, this metal represents so much more than just an Olympic gold metal. It only goes to prove the things we Hmong already know. That WE refuse to be erased from history. The thousands of years of persecution, trauma, forced assimilation, disregard, being deliberately left out of history books because historians wanted our stories and voices kept a secret. We will NOT be easily dismissed by others. We have made our mark in the world in many ways, and this, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Suni winning the Olympic gold metal only solidifies that we Hmong, are strong, resilient and will fight to keep our space in the world. That all the years of trauma and struggles of our ancestors led up to this very moment. Our ancestors have made too many sacrifices to count for this one moment, so that we Hmong would finally get the recognition that we deserve from a world that tried to erase them.

I believe that this was a test from the universe to see if I’d make the mistake of taking what isn’t mine, or if I would make the correction that was necessary.

Taking what isn’t mine would continue to lead me down a dark path, but correcting the mistake would set my path straight.

I’ve made plenty of mistakes and I’m tired of going down this path. I need to, no, I must set my path straight and take it as is, no matter how hard it is going to be, I need to keep on this straight path, because it is the path that will lead me back to me, and not someone’s idea of me. It is the straight path the universe has set for me, and I need to keep following it, even if it tests my patience a little, because excitement will reveal the plan ahead that must remain in silence.

This silence will come to an end, I can feel it. Silence has been the only option I’ve had, and soon it will become a thing of the past. No matter how silent it is, when you drop a pin, it becomes deafening to the ear when all you’ve had is silence before. That pin drop will become an earth shattering noise when it hits the ground.

Who knew that that one word from a person’s father about the trauma that has happened to his daughter could let the tears flow like a river, while washing her free of the trauma. Who knew that it would make her feel like a million bucks- as if she’s won the lottery.

The love they have for their child, unrelenting. This is what it means to be loved unconditionally no matter what happens in your life.

Patience, is the key to the freedom you seek. You’ve always known this, and it will always be true.

In telling my mother of my assault, she assured me that when the time came, a confrontation would occur because how can a person she love so dearly, harm her child.

As you know, my gift of foresight has seen things ahead of me, not always showing me what I want, but showing me things that are also important in my life.

I saw the confrontation, and my reaction. Knowing that this is coming, not just from my mother but from my gift has given me a peace that is unexplainable and a sense of pride in my mother. A strong individual who doesn’t back down even when things get difficult. Someone who sees through the bullshit of another person. Since seeing this, I almost scoff because they are finally getting what they deserve, it is not coming from the person they hurt, it is coming from her fiercest advocate. And that for me, is more than enough.

You, you my child are special. You have always been special in my eyes.

You have been blessed by the heavens and higher beings for a greater purpose that only you can fulfill. Being gifted isn’t something to take on lightly.

You are now finally starting your journey and cleansing yourself of beings and things that do not matter to your life long journey.

The journey of perfection is flawed and has always been, but you know that already.

Pathways are opening for you, and your feet are finally moving.

You child, are starting to see the light in the tunnel. As you make your way to the light, never forget the darkness you had to go through to get there.

Forgiveness is key. Forgive your past self for not loving yourself enough and for giving too much of yourself to others. Be selfless with yourself, and love will come to you. Healing will come to you, forgiveness will come to you, peace will come to you, and time...time will finally let you catch up to where you need to go.

Be patient with yourself as you journey, be willing to open up to others, and be mindful of the harm that can come your way.

Your path is set, and know that you are on your way to greatness.

You are worth finding the freedom you seek

You are worth the bravery you have

You are worth the expression of love you seek

You are worthy