Mehandstuff

“I don’t remember if i’m doing anything, but if i’m not, i’ll hit you up”

I look up to the stars regularly and do nothing but think. Now, sometimes it’s dangerous to let my thoughts just run, but sometimes it's amazing to have a conversation with myself. Life is hard; there's no direct path to follow, and it terrifies me.

Recently my life has taken a drastic turn about something that I had no idea was going to happen. Is it going to be a good thing, or will it completely break me? That is still unknown. I am not a fan of that. I want to have control of my life, and with this situation, it’s out of my hands. I can't control the outcome.

The unknown is like a drive. Having nowhere to go, I just hop into the car and let the road lead me. There are two outcomes of this situation: I make it home safely, or I don’t.

The unknown gives me the type of fear that can not be described by words.

But then I look up at the stars, those tiny dots that aren’t so tiny. I am nothing compared to them, we are nothing, our problems are nothing. They remind me that in the bigger scheme of things, no one cares about my problems. Yes, my friends will care in the moment, but what about in five years? What about when I die? Who will even care about my life when I die?

I wonder how those who don't fear the unknown think. When they look up to the stars, do they receive the answers, or are they just pretending? I wonder if they ask as many questions as I do?

As I am writing this, I am looking at the stars and question myself about the unknown. Am I thinking too far into things? How long will this feeling last? What would happen if things ended badly? Do the stars even care about the questions I’m asking them? Would they even answer them?

I know the answers to some of these questions. For one, I am too small for something as big as a star to hear my questions or pay any mind to them. Therefore, I will receive no help other than the comfort that there are bigger things out there that require my attention.

then id rather lose

than win in the moment

because you wont fully be mine

she will capture you in ways that i cant

and you will notice

one day

that you made the wrong decision

and when you leave me for her

ill be the one that gets hurt

and i wont know why you left

and ill have to go through this pain again

because when given a choice

i am never picked

and in the rare occasions that i am

they always leave

because they know they made the wrong choice

And if you

leave me

for the girl that was your other choice

it will break me

and no words would describe