the past week has really shown me that everyone just cares about what’s convenient to them, and what they want to happen.

nobody gives a single fuck that i’ve now lost 2 grandparents, am planning another funeral (after not even getting over the last one, might i add) or that i’m just straight up sabotaging myself by dropping all my progress and letting myself become the sad & depressed person i used to be.

what people really care about is that i’m controllable. they can tell me where to be & when, and expect me to be there. they can ask me for x,y,z, and expect me to do it.

simply, No. i refuse to do anything i don’t want to. i refuse to do anything that is inconvenient for me.

if i’m doing “nothing” that’s not an invitation to try and get me to do something. i work fucking hard and deserve time off, in my own space, ALONE. okay???

i take a BREAK

i GO OUT TO THE GARDEN

and now I CANT STOP FUCKING SNEEZING

why is it that everything in my life is temporary? temporary people, temporary feelings? is it something i said? something i did? or is it just me as a whole?

i guess the one thing they never tell you about becoming less depressed is how lost it makes you feel. somehow, you feel better and your standards for yourself raises drastically… and then, nothing you do is ever good enough.

i feel like i give so much of myself to everyone and everything.. people, work, favours, gifts, cleaning for gods sakes… and it’s never fucking enough for anyone!! ever!!! wtf???

i have so much going on all the time that my brain is both completely deserted and an LA highway all at once. i have to remember so much, do so much, keep up with SO much… but i can’t even remember last week. i can’t even remember my birthday. MY fucking birthday.

i hurt those i love by coming across as though i don’t care, have better things to do, or just hate them, when really i just can’t remember who i am and can never truly take in what’s going on around me.

my brain is mashed. i don’t know who i am. i don’t know what i like. i don’t know what i want to do or who i want to be. all i know is that i hurt people around me by being this way, and somehow, i can’t stop.

i’m so ready to cut myself off from the world. throw out my phone and never get it back. grab a tent, sleeping bag and stove and just live in a forest where nobody can find me.

“ur gonna regret that when ur older!!”

here’s the thing,, no i won’t.

u know why? because at one point in my life i absolutely LOVED that art so much i wanted it on me permanently. when i get older, i might not love the design like i do now, and that’s okay. but

i will love that i have pieces of art that represent my past selves. i have tatts now that i’m like… not in love with? but i DO love having something that connects me to my 17, 18, 19 and 20 year old self.