still breathing probably

The game started to feel like a fever dream in the middle of hanazawa's route anyway so when the final route came I was already ready to accept it for what it was

I knew about the "secret character's" route from the get-go and considering the cast it was pretty obvious that the mystery man was kaoru bc who tf else could that possibly be. So the only thing left for me to do was to wonder if the route was gonna consist of flashbacks of tamamori meeting and taking care of kaoru OR an actual sweet home alabama help me stepfather I'm stuck type encounter. We all know the answer now

It was CREEPY for sure but ngl it actually made me even more interested in tamamori as a character...... The dude clearly hates himself and that is the exact reason why he clings so much to his LIs for validation with the writing being his only source of pride. And if you take *the route* into consideration it makes sense why it had to be writing - that's the only thing *real* tamamori had any success at. It could also explain why every single LI in the game is head over heels for tamamori from the very beginning regardless of how well they know the dude - minakami had a crush on him since the moment time and space were invented basically; kawase developed feelings for him back when they were kids even though he previously harbored a ton of resentment; hanazawa viewed him as the only tolerable person to be around in their friend group and thought so highly of his stories that he's still keeping a manuscript on him to this day and treats it like it's sacred; and hakase has been stalkish~ly obsessed with tamamori from the moment he'd laid his eye on him(and his works of course). Realistically it all seems far-fetched but if we take *the route* into consideration it makes a lot more sense again lol just by remembering how self-centered and lonely tamamori actually is. Of course he would write a book about everybody being in love with him of fucking course he would. It may also explain why all of them are going by their nicknames instead of the actual names - if these people aren't real and just a group of characters then obviously there's no need to use their prototypes' real names. It may also be the distancing tactic that tamamori uses so he wouldn't have to face the reality of his friends being dead and his life being mid

And interestingly enough kaoru is the only one who doesn't have a nickname nor is treated like a legitimate LI despite still technically being one but more on that later---- He's really not like the other girls since the very beginning huh I wonder why he's being treated so differently :(´◦ω◦｀):.... Yeah......

I know that the ending is highly polarizing and I totally get why but idk something about it mesmerizes me. And I'm one of those people who hate the "it was just a dream"/" he was actually dead the whole time" type endings so I really don't know what's so different about this one and why I'm so into it. I really like the character of tamamori tho I fell for that freak the first minute I started the game. The second I reached the "until I'm dawn" pun I was sold fr fr. And honesty that ending just solidified my feelings about him - tamamori is not a good person and yet I can't help but feel fascinated by the shit he's up to lol

His selfishness is clearly showing all throughout the game - in the story itself and especially in *the route*. Are you telling me that tamamori made himself the protagonist in his own story then made everyone love him by default then gave himself a time-bending power and then also made himself the main villain??? Not even the villain tho - just a condescending all seeing mentor who decided to teach his past version a valuable and niche lesson for his own good. Dude it's like tamamori subconsciously realises that he is his own worst enemy that constantly sabotages himself. His self-hatred is also a big part of his personality - that's basically the main reason why he's so obsessed with other people's opinions. Poor fucker doesn't see any value in any other aspect of himself other than his writing - and it's also something that doesn't allow him to feel genuine connection with anyone ever bc if you don't love yourself then you will not believe it if others do. And I think both of these factors play a HUUUUGE role in why he did what he did to kaoru

Yeah so speaking of which.... That poor baby holy shiiiit ಥ_ಥ the saddest character in the game(mostly bc he spent most of his life with tamamori lol) Not only he was severely traumatized and abused but also included in tamamori's fanfic as the main source of horror bc idk fuck him I guess. I find this so interesting tho - kaoru first poses as a threat to tamamori and often referred to as the phantom he himself created - a monster born from his own imagination that terrorizes him. But at the same time kaoru is also referred to as "son" by the shopkeeper a.k.a. also fictional tamamori but older - so basically called a part of the family. So kaoru is both a danger and a family at the same time to the different versions of the same person

So I honestly think that's how *real* tamamori actually feels about him. I genuinely believe that tamamori fully realizes that everything he's done to kaoru is extremely fucked up and he feels an enormous amount of guilt and shame bc of it. Even during their sex scene he had some thoughts about how wrong what they were doing was and how the "others" will surely find it disgusting if they get exposed. He also condemned ikeda for being a sexual predator sooooo he can't be delusional enough to not understand that he's doing the same exact shit. So yeah he probably does think of kaoru as a family bc he literally has nobody else and I do believe he really loves him with that weird love of his but at the same time he thinks of kaoru as a threat to his ego. He's afraid of guilt he's afraid of shame he's afraid of feeling dirty - of all the feelings that kaoru can bring out of him and damage his already low self-esteem and that's why he decides to simply lock the dude away. Out of sight out of mind type shit. Even kaoru's description in extras looks like a gaslighting done by tamamori lol bc it says that kaoru NEEDED to get locked in the basement bc of his lust. Like "Hey man I need you to know that YOU made me do this awful thing to you! YOU caused this not me! It's YOU who's out of control here! " which is y'know... Pretty tamamori-esque if you ask me. And it also looks like a projection too omg..... But even so he still needs kaoru all to himself - he still needs somebody beside him who loves his stories and keeps him company. Tamamori is afraid of loneliness and not everything can be fixed with delusions so yeah he probably yearns for some flesh and blood which makes the whole situation even more tragic. Bc kaoru needs that too!!! But not like that!!! Not with anal!!! Jesus fucking christ!!! Btw even before I reached the ending I was wondering how tf kaoru despite being a normal human being still felt so otherworldly(appears out of nowhere/stops transport with his bare hands/breaks and bends human body like a glowstick etc.) and hey now I know why - HE IS!!! He IS otherworldly to the book world bc he turned out to be a real person

But I wish they'd made us spent more time with kaoru tho just in general. I want to feel the trauma with every nerve in my body

I also loved that the game had both started and ended with the phantom in the basement quote. Especially bc the plot of the book is basically about a weirdo who forces people to listen to his bizarre stories and huh would you know it - that's exactly what happens throughout the game. Tamamori was our phantom and we were forced to listen to his bullshit. Chef's kiss