i got sunshine in a bag

‪i wish i could remove myself from existence. fade away and disappear from everyone’s memories‬

so it’s been 10 weeks tomorrow and i’m literally not getting any better or any closer to accepting this is how things are now, if anything i’m just making myself worse, and i can tell my friends and family are sick of hearing me talk about it but it’s literally on my mind every second of the day. idk if they think i’m exaggerating or if they’re just fed up of hearing me talk about how miserable am but i know they don’t want to hear it anymore. and it’s not like i want to die bc i’ve been dumped - i’ve always had suicidal thoughts, i’ve always felt like there isn’t a lot of point in living, but i had my ex. he was my safety blanket. he could’ve sold me sand in a desert, he could talk me out of any spiral, make me laugh when i was crying, made life feel less futile. and then i fucking ruined everything because i self sabotage. and now i don’t have that part of my soul that made my life feel worth living. now i’m laid bare and i have no protection from how i’m feeling and the only person that makes me feel better has decided he’s better off without me and can replace me within a week. people are telling me to work on myself, find things to do without him, start building a life on my own, and i’m just like... why? what‘s the point?