Perfection

Anytime I am with my partner it fills me with shame, shame that I can't be my full ethnicity to be proud. To sing classic Mexican songs about love, heartbreak and fun. To have my partner be dancing with me in public, to cry on his shoulder about the song we just heard together and to be sharing ice cream I wanted. There are days I wish my partner accepted his Mexican side not only to make the relationship easier but so I can finally be proud that I have a normal relationship in my life. Nothing is wrong with his other half but I only really wish for him to gain confidence on what he is and to project it to the world that he is strong and proud. Other than that, I truly believe that keeping our relationship hidden, is what keeps me sane for now. I can't imagine spending my whole day with someone that is not confident or accepting of himself to the world and mine.

Every time I come back to tumblr it's always the uncomfortable thoughts in my mind that has me wondering, "am I happy with what I am now?" There have been a repetition of days I wish I can be a normal adult with the bills responsibility, the same adventurous feeling to go on vacation with my partner or to have the chances of bumping into someone that is the love of my life down the street. I have this weird feeling that every time I am here on Tumblr to type about my feelings, it is to vent what I am not. Not being normal but also not uncomfortable enough to accept that I am what I am. I can't tell if what I am is valid for my age or I am just lucky to take my time with my life. Maybe it's just an anxious feeling I get from time to time but overall. I want my confidence of life back. I want the boldness high school me had towards everyone and everything in life and to say I don't care of the consequences I care about the feelings of my actions more. But every time I come back to tumblr, I have a heavy heart to vent about how I don't like what I am.

I don’t only lose paid channels or streaming services if I break up with him. I lose my social Acceptance in my own city when I do break up with him. He gave me comfort but he also gave me love and acceptance from all people from different backgrounds. Different styles of life, I already told too many people what kind of nice boyfriend I have and why he is important in my life, but the truth he tells me sometimes makes me question if he actually likes me or is he testing me with the limited respect he has. 

You were in a relationship with a man that “loved” you when he clearly forgot the one promise you two made when you were 15. You believed it but now at 22 he said this “I forgot or I made that with someone else”. You cried and he asked “was it my fault?” You said no for tonight, but he broke your trust.