Metal and Flame

And Flambae looks down to see what he’s gesturing to just to find his left nipple bruised all to hell, like all dark and swollen and shit.

All the guys promptly huddle around him, staring at it and poking fun/expressing concern like:

“Dude, who purpled your nurple and how do I stay on their good side?”

“It—it looks really ba—not—not good.” 

“Not good? It looks like someone shut it in the feckin’ door!” 

“That’s one serious titty twister, bro.” 

“What is a ‘Titty Twister’? I am unaware of this human custom.” 

And Flambae, smug bastard that he is, immediately straightens up and puffs out his chest, framing the bruised nipple with his hand and showing it off. “That’s right, everyone gather around and get a good look. This is what it looks like to have a feral little freak pawing at you every night.” 

“Robert did that to you?” Punch Up asks. 

Sonar whistles. “Damn, he’s nastier in the bedroom than I thought.” 

“That’s right, bitches, be horrendously jealous,” Flambae boasts. 

“I’m not really jealous,” Sonar counters. “I do suddenly have an intense fear of showing my nipples around Robert. When's the last time he had his shots?”

Flambae scoffs. “Please, he wouldn’t be interested in your bat-nipples. He only likes mine.” 

Then the comms suddenly click on and Robert’s voice is in their ears asking, “Hey guys, what’s going on? The girls are already dressed out and clocked in.” 

"Yeah, compare dicks on your own time," Visi says.

“Rob—Robert," Waterboy speaks up, "did you reall—actually—Flambae—”

“Robbie, my man,” Sonar butts in, “You almost tore Flambae’s nipple off!” 

There’s a surprised pause, and then all the women on the comms are talking over each other, demanding to know what he’s talking about and asking if they can see.

And then Robert says nonchalantly, “Oh, yeah. I meant to give you some cream for that, Flambae.” 

In the midst of everyone freaking out at what Robert just admitted to so casually, Flambae practically preens. “No fucking need, Bob-Bob, I like it.”

Robert snorts. “Of course you do. It’s a testament to that mouth of yours.” 

All the guys quietly lose their shit—like, oh shit, Flambae’s head game is so good Robert mauled him afterwards. Sonar’s shaking Waterboy back and forth like a ragdoll, Golem gives Flambae a high-five, Punch Up gives him an impressed nod. Phenomaman is looking on in polite confusion.

And Flambae is standing proudly in the midst of it all, extremely fucking satisfied with the way this situation is playing out.

Meanwhile the real explanation is that Robert tends to lay on Flambae’s left side after sex, which puts his left nipple right at eye level. Which wouldn’t be a big deal, if not for Robert’s habit of viciously pinching it whenever Flambae says some heinous shit during pillow talk. 

Okay yeah, Flambae may have stretched the truth a little. He didn’t get that bruised nipple in some sort of sexy payback for giving life-changing head, but as plain old regular payback for running his mouth while Robert was within pinching distance.

Don’t get him wrong, Robert’s still a feral little freak—he just tends to hide the evidence in less visible places.

Are you familiar with the game Trees Hate You? It's a rage game where you have to avoid trees beating the shit out of you lol

Could you write something where Robert, the master ragebaiter he is, gets Flambae, who canonically has beef with trees, to play this game

And Flambae nearly leaves to actually set a tree on fire in the process

Robert had been vibrating with barely contained excitement since lunch.

It all started during a conversation with Golem, who told him about a game he’d played recently — “You’d love this one. It’s insane. It’s gonna piss you off.”

He even showed Robert a short teaser: a tiny pixelated character getting violently hurled across the screen by what looked like a completely ordinary pine tree. Robert watched the clip closely, his eyes widening more with each second, until the realization hit him with radiant clarity:

Flambae needs to play this.

Robert spent the rest of the day just waiting for the perfect moment.

After dinner, he lingered nearby, listening carefully to the sounds coming from the kitchen. The second Flambae finished with the dishes, Robert called out:

“Babe?” he said loudly enough for Flambae to hear him from the kitchen.

“Yeah?” Flambae called back from the other room.

“Can you come here?”

Robert leaned back slightly in his swivel chair, facing the hallway that led to their makeshift office, wearing a mischievous grin he tried — and failed — to hide when he heard footsteps approaching.

“What?” Flambae asked, resting his shoulder against the doorframe and looking at Robert.

“Come in,” Robert said, a little too excited as he stood up and turned the chair toward Flambae. “Sit.”

Flambae glanced at the chair and raised an eyebrow. “Should I be worried?”

Robert didn’t answer. He simply dragged the chair closer. Flambae huffed but walked over and sat down anyway.

Robert’s smile widened, then he quickly tried to contain it as he climbed into Flambae’s lap.

The game was already open and running. Robert had made sure of that, so Flambae wouldn’t even get a chance to read the title.

When Flambae looked at the screen and saw a tiny character standing beside what looked like a picnic blanket, he assumed it was one of those silly, cozy games Robert liked to play. It looked peaceful. Harmless.

“I’m not your personal chair so you can get comfy playing your stupid little games, bitch,” Flambae muttered, pretending to be annoyed as he adjusted Robert in his lap, one hand settling at his boyfriend’s waist.

Robert shook his head and gestured toward the keyboard with his chin. “You’re playing this one. I’m just watching.”

Flambae hesitated. He looked at the screen again. Then at Robert. Then back at the screen.

With a resigned sigh, he pulled the keyboard closer and pressed the keys to move the pixel character.

“Looks peaceful,” Flambae observed.

“Mhm.”

“What’s it called?”

“You’ll see.”

There was an obvious stone path to follow, so Flambae guided the character along it — until a tree suddenly swung its canopy down and smacked his character flat.

“What?” Flambae whispered.

On his lap, Robert was shaking with silent laughter, his grin already stretching from ear to ear.

“It’s just a tree. Try again,” Robert encouraged.

Flambae grumbled and restarted, only for his character to die in the exact same spot, taken out by the same tree.

“What the fuck is wrong with that stupid tree, Bob?” Flambae asked, turning to look at him.

Robert reached up and gently rubbed the back of Flambae’s neck. “Try dodging it and keep going.”

Reluctantly, Flambae did.

He restarted and avoided the murderous tree this time. Success. He was still alive.

The character climbed stairs, turned right, then forward along another stone path, when another innocent-looking tree pulled out a gun and shot him.

“What the hell?!” Flambae shouted at the screen.

Robert burst out laughing.

Flambae let out a dry, disbelieving laugh and tried to shove Robert off his lap. “I’m not playing this. This is stupid.”

“No, no, no,” Robert insisted, tightening his hold and refusing to move. “Keep going. I wanna see you finish it.”

Flambae stayed seated, but refused to hit restart.

So Robert restarted it for him. “I’ll help.”

Flambae accepted, mostly because he was apparently trapped by his own boyfriend.

Robert did help… sometimes. Mostly, though, he laughed while Flambae’s character got brutally murdered by trees over and over again.

Flambae grew increasingly irritated, but he was hooked now. Determined. Those smug, bark-covered bastards were not going to win. They weren’t better than him.

“Watch out for tha–” Robert tried to warn between fits of laughter that made his stomach ache.

“I SEE THE TREE, ROBERT!” Flambae snapped, shifting in the chair like it would somehow help. “Stupid fucking tree!”

A pine tree fell from the sky and crushed his character into the ground.

Flambae let out a high, outraged yell. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!”

Robert lost it. He wasn’t even pretending to be polite anymore. His laughter was loud, breathless, and almost tearful.

“Baby, you gotta dodge–” Robert tried again once he recovered enough to speak.

“I AM DODGING!!!”

The game’s music remained serenely peaceful in the background while branches repeatedly slammed the tiny character into the dirt. Canopies crushed him alive. A ball of leaves launched him across the screen. Trees sprouted from underground just to kill him. Roots tripped him mid-run.

“I FUCKING HATE TREES!”

“I’M GONNA BURN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE FUCKERS!”

Flambae’s posture stiffened beneath Robert. His shoulders locked tight with tension. His jaw clenched. Every three steps, another bark-covered ambush slammed into him. Another violent collision of wood and pixel flesh.

Near the end, after painstakingly collecting a coin — with Robert’s help — Flambae inserted it into an arcade machine inside the game. Now he was playing a game within the game, desperately dodging the trees chasing him.

He got killed in the arcade. And outside it.

“That’s it! I’m out!” Flambae slammed his hands down on the desk. “I’m burning every tree and sapling I see in this city!”

Robert leaned in and kissed Flambae’s temple. “Come on, you’re at the last checkpoint.”

“No.” Flambae crossed his arms. “Those trees hate me.”

Robert’s eyes nearly sparkled at that. He laughed again, quieter this time, and let go of Flambae’s hair to pull the keyboard toward himself.

“Fine, fine. I’ll finish it,” Robert said, still deeply satisfied from all the laughter Flambae had given him.

Then, like it was the easiest thing in the world, Robert finished the game in two minutes.

And then he replayed it in challenge mode. He beat it in eight.

“So a truck driving tree still kills you at the end?” Flambae mocked, arms still crossed, watching Robert beat the final boss. “Is there an angel tree too? This game is bullshit.”

Flambae remained deeply offended. His hatred of trees had been reignited with renewed intensity.

His rivalry with large plants had never felt so personal.

Dawg this ship is one of the biggest fumbles I've seen a game dev make in a while. Lmao this video sums it up perfectly imo... like you accidentally created an excellent set up and didn't execute it... damn.

Anyways imagine Robert (since he can't go to the heroes-only bar anymore) hits up a staple queer club in town in his civvies. There he runs into a toxic ex who is a little too happy to see him there. Robert was hoping to hook up with someone tonight-- ideally a total stranger-- but the ex basically follows him around, bugging him to go dance and monopolizing his time. He relents and decides to hit the dancefloor. Eventually he bails on the guy to go order a drink, slipping away through the crowd.

He manages to make it up to the bartender, but just as he gets their attention someone else begins to order next to him-- it's Flambae! Or rather, Chad, since he's also out of costume. After Chad places his order, Robert manages to say something about being next in line which gets the other man's attention. Chad seems genuinely surprised, and asks Robert what he's doing here. Robert throws the question back at him-- figured he'd be at the other bar since, you know, he's allowed to be there now. Chad acknowledges that it's great feeling like he's part of some exclusive club or whatever, but it can also cramp his style-- the vibe is too... hetero.

Just then the toxic ex slings an arm around Robert, asking to be introduced to his friend. In unison, Chad and Robert deny they're friends. Robert clarifies they're just colleagues. Toxic ex tries to make small talk but Chad isn't interested in continuing the conversation and rudely excuses himself. Ex says something about how he can see why they're not friends, that guy's a prick! Oh and by the way here's your drink...

Flambae... Your ice cream...