Human Thought: The only reason I live

I always stop to think what I want. I often think that what I want is that life I strive to gain. I want to live upstate or in Canada or Maine. I wanted to visit New Zealand, China and PEI. I wanted to do things and be things and to have a large family and explores carnal desires. But, I find more and more that this is just a need. And, needs are unimportant to me. I have no desire to analyze my needs because they are things I can dispose of once the need is filled. But, wants are different. They fluctuate and even if the want passes it still engraves on the person a sense of persona and leaves a remnant of itself to cherish and grow into. And, these wants I think about, they never appear. I have nothing I desire. I desire stimulation. But, I do not want what offers this. And, once stimulated, the need for the thing passes. It grows unimportant and I grow bored and tired. A lie without wants is dull. Its confusing. Now, its no longer who am I but which am I? Because, you need for different reasons. You need basic survival elements and then you need the next tier of life. In it we find emotions and socializing and much more. So, in the end, my need for stimulation is no longer a want. Its on the next tier. So, I fullfill each need and find myself torn between the needs I have retaining to fullfilling others opposed to self needs. I need both equally but which defines me. Which is me? I feel more comfortable in the first but does that neessarily mean that the latter isnt me. Comfortableness is irrelevant in my eyes. So, I dig deeper getting lost in appathy and boredom. I slowly eat myself away not caring and not satisfied. Who am I?

I hid behind the sun and laughed when I could. Those moments in life I wished I could never take back. I loved this face of mine; The one I held on close to. It was my security blanket and my teddy bear. But, not only that. It was my savior and protector. It gave me life and pleasure and warmth and safety and progress. With it I could make friends and believe I am innocent. I could be the perfect daughter while still gaining what I wanted. I could hide until the day came where I fled. Because, that was my plan all along... I was running. I was running away from life and it's fears and hardships. And, in order to keep my own denial and peace I left it to myself: my other self. I once thought I had mod. But I don't I once thought I was depressed. I still don't know if I am. I once hurt myself. I still am. Only, it's different. It's not physical. It's all mentalI'm lost in the sea of confusion that is my mind.  I lost my ability to read a while ago. I was so worried and frustrated and cursed every book I picked up. How could it be, I had read classics for ages and learned much. But, just like Des Essientes and Dorian, I was broken and lost. Of course, I wasn't as violent as Dorian and neither so oblivious as Des Essientes. But, none the less, I was them. And that is why they appealed to me. I saw myself in it and I was feeling because they were feeling. I portrayed myself and reflected myself on to them and let them feel for me. But, it was real none of it was real. I had locked away my mind in order to become a robot. I could do anything and not care. My pain and worries and fear. Scared away by exhaustion. But, I couldn't escape. I couldn't escape any of it. Not in the yaoi or love or pride or achievements or faith. I had nothing left now but distraction. I was turning into the idiots of 451 and slowly my mind was decaying to nothing. I was losing everything I was desperately trying to gain. I was reversing my efforts. But, I went on. I couldn't allow these thoughts to bother me. I sucked it up and suffered for it. I relaxed too much. I lacked inspiration and motivation and productivity. I regurgitated it back with bouts of brooding and fatigue. And I cursed the world and myself for it.  No one knows everything and no be has seen everything. And I lie and say they have. Aren't I comical. I thought they had. I thought they should but they don't know. They don't know how deep the anger seethes. They don't know how vain I am. They don't know how cruel I am. They don't know the things I've done. They don't know the envy I feel. They don't know the pain I feel. They don't know how selfish and pathetic I am. How I long for attention I can't handle.  And everyday I feel like crying. I feel like crying out but I can't. I hold myself back. The great protector of me is held back by me. Like Lydwinia to Leo o am hurting myself by protecting myself. I will be trapped in this curse and never freed but at least I can put up this face. At least I can be happy. At least everyone can think I am happy. At least I can make it through life this way. Hiding and waiting to run. Oh but how wretched I am. Waiting to escape to leave behind all and never again see. To blind myself from a good past and live only in those good memories, those memories that aren't of me but someone else entirely! I am a coward and a fool and a wretched woman! Oh, and the things I've done to people. I help them. I tutor, smile, reassure,cultivate, inspire, encourage, save, and make memories and help and love these people. Then like a baby on breast milk I slowly ween off. I do it unintentionally but every relationship slowly ends or reduces to communication factor of zero. How horrible I am to leave them and with those memories and sweet words too. Oh such cruel loss and bitter sweet cruelty and hatred. Leave me. Get away. I don't want anyone. I don't want myself.  I remember a time. When it was different. I chuckle to think of that time. Because it was a stressful time and an unhappy time and a time I would never go back to. But, it was a true time. A time of pain, regret, failure, love. It was a time of endings and new beginnings. And, most of all, fear. It is always a time of fear. A fear of rewinding, a fear of loss, a fear of pain, a fear of hope, a fear of the cycle, a fear of play back, a fear of love, a fear of hate, a fear of time, a fear of everything in existence. But mostly, a fear of self. That fear which reflects yourself onto you and causes the paradox of confusion within you. It causes questions. Questions with no answers.

Don't waste your time waiting for me in the end. Don't waist your life finding me after my end. Don't act according to someone else's standards or societies unwritten requirements leaving yourself with regret in the end. Don't hope for the best when near the end. Don't end. Life is short. Well, however cliche` that line is, it reigns true. For, no matter how long the time runs or how much the galaxy grows, you won't live to see its end. But it will live to see yours. And don't let them see how you regret what you didn't do. Because, you never know whats after that closed eye. You never know if someone is waiting for you. You never know if there is a god out there waiting to grant you paradise for your selfless actions which were selfish to an extent. Because, who says any of it is real? Who says any of anything is real? A bunch of dead man? A bunch of live men? Society? No, the only one who chooses to believe it, the only one you should believe, is yourself. If you truly believe all that than go. Be what you want. But you better hope you are more than satisfied with your life in the end. Because it was humans who defined the world and humans who discovered more of it. So, since there are no other creatures to prove us wrong, or agrea with us, or just help us in any way understand, how are we then to say that what we know is valid? Its like there is only one type of scientist, no, only one scientist in the world. The human scientist. And, there's no one to tell him he is wrong so we all believe it. Sure, we have our technology and imformation we define and see around us. But, we believe is because there is no other option. There is no other true. There is no other way we know of to collect the facts. We are children helpless in the world and slowly destroying and discovering all around us. Neither mature or immature, we are simply there. Who is even to say that what I tell you now is not lies. Is not truth. Is not anything more that human babblings. Everything you know could be a lie. So, trust in your gut. Live the way you want regardless of what anyone else says. They are all irrelevant just as death becomes irrelevant when you free yourself from the mental block it creates. Live. Don't end.

Society's views are so obscure and twisted. And, one that's especially twisted, is awe. When some feels awe they are struck with this sensation of disbelief and shock. It can be over something negative or it can be positive. I'm going to talk about the positive. One thing that really strikes the awe chord in us is beauty. Whether it be a picture, art, nature, writing, a person or just the general comings of life, we find awe in it from beauty. And, it's sick to think that some people value any beauty over the other. Some say that a painting is more beautiful than the real thing because it took so much work and looked so accurate. Some people say make up makes you look more beautiful. Some say that the writing of one author is just beauty i n it's truest form. Well, neither one of these is false and to say either one is would be nvalid since they are all opinions and opinions are human ideas so really there are non existent. But, that's another topic, so let's stick to the simple. Haha, yes the simple. Which is just where I was getting at. You see society believes that in order to be big and grand and WORTHY of awe and honor something must take a grand amount of work. That something must be perfect and must be valued. It's as Oscar Wilde says, " We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely" we admire useless things because it's as though we are not aloud to admire the useful. We put value into meaningless are and the work it takes. Oh it's always about the work and complexity. Because it takes some hours to make something, they put their effort into it, they sweat and cried and through all this a chemical process occurred. A very complex chemical process and chains of them occurred while making the art. The end product does not benefit anyone, it only entertains. So, we value it, seeing as how the means justify the ends. Taking a switch on Machiavelli. But, we forget that he said it is the ends that justify the means. And, yes, much art is in fact beautiful. But we takes this art and too often over look the most important art; nature. Yes, nature. And, when we do look at nature it's made out to be such a spectacle. Oh, no one has thought to look at the beauty here, it is amazing. It is beautiful,mi am using all my senses. Oh proud me, happy day, I am fixed. I am conscious. I am aware. I should be looked up to because I did what others couldn't and now you should all join me and value nature more. No! Just stop. Value nature, yes. But do not patronize nature. Do not elevate its status alongside the other beauties. Because, it is not the beauty in nature that should be admired. No, nature is different. All beauties are different from each other. Writing sparks thought and inspires. Art invokes passion and deeper thinking and analysis. Photography inspires dreams and travel and appreciation of life. All these beauties cater to the mind and to the appreciation of thought and life and existence. Nature is different. It is not emotions caused by chemical brain processes that it caters to. No, it is senses. Now, you may think I am contradicting myself but hear me out. Senses. Feeling. Living. Being. Existing. No thought required. Which is the scary thing, because it takes a lot of thought to be able to appreciate what instigates no thought but just experience. Because, nature is simple. Nature is there. Take a leaf in the sun for example. The light reflects off its edges and brightens the shade, making it almost transparent. It is pretty and the way it changed with the slightest breeze or how the shade dances across the leaf creating pictures on its edge. How you can smell the morning dew or taste the fresh air given to us by the leaves. How you can hear their branches and tips rustle in the wind. How you feel the sun beating on you. How you see it all and then feel it. How you feel and then see. This is another beauty. All other art, we have to imagine the senses and tantalization in our mind. We have to think. We have to engage in those complex and hard to comprehend chemical processes. But, with nature, it only is. We only feel. It is not our minds working to make something that further makes us think and under go complexities again. It is just life running its course. It is jut life being life. It just is. And, that is what I think Oscar Wilde meant. He meant that useful things don't require thinking because they invoke feeling. You may say that other useless art invokes feeling. Well, that feeling is a different feeling. That is emotion; another chemical process. Nature, it's all physical. It's all experience. It's all feeling. Yes feeling, knowing that you exist because you feel. Knowing everything is real because you feel. Knowing that you aren't alone. Because if you can feel than others can feel. If you can feel nature can feel you feeling. And the thoughts race and simple becomes complex and your lost in another art again because nature is the core art. It is the art to make all other arts. Nature just is. That is why we should value it equally with other arts but keep it seperate and definite on its own dependence at the same time. Because it is. It is. It is. It's All and nothing. A simplicity made complex. A simple beauty; a contradiction.

I don't want a boy to be scared of me. I don't want him to be so worried that he doesn't know what to say. I can't love someone like that. Lots of girls want someone who cares so much that his insides hurt and he in constantly texting his friends for advice because he wants to look good for her. But, I don't want that. I want someone who is fluent when conversing. sure he isn't perfect so he will no be completely confident with me, but, I don't want him asking his friends what to say when he texts me. I don't want here what his friends think. I just want to hear him. I want us to have an ongoing conversation. Something that transverses into actions and even into silence. Sure, it would be great if he was so nervous with me that his hands shook, I mean that must mean he is constantly aware of me and constantly thinking of me so he must love me the most, right? No. Some girls may want that but not me. I want him to be comfortable with me. I want our conversation to flow. I want us to talk about everything and everything. I want our conversations to go on for hours changing from crack, crazy, loving, intelligent, challenging, critical, opinionated, music, food, love, movies, interests, us, jokes, memories, philosophy, fears, existence, sentiments, antipathies, arrogance, self consciousness, dreamy, inspired, livid, vivid, adventurous, futuristic, sentimental, comfy, sad, happy, singing, thinking, pensive, debating, accepting, smart and dumb, learning and knowing, lost and found, hopeful and desperate, despairing and uplifting. I want us to be everything and see everything through each others eyes. I want when there's silence to be some understanding, some knowing of each others presence. I don't want there to be confusion. I don't want us to be misunderstood. Whether we have a gesture, look, smile, anything I just want some perception of comprehension to pass between us. I just want us to communicate in all ways possible so thT there is meaning. So that we aren't lost to each other. I want to use anything and everything to let him know that I love him and being with him and knowing with him or not knowing with him. I don't want there to be secrets between us, however minor. If one of us has an embarrassing childhood story we should share it. If one of us has done something's we aren't proud of we'll share it. I just don't want it to be awkward when we are together. I don't want the conversation to end. Because, conversations don't end at words, they go into actions and love and silence. No, they end with misunderstanding. It's when you don't know what the others thinking, or at feeling that the conversation ends, and with it the connection. And that's what I'm most scared of. I don't want to be misunderstood. And I don't want to misunderstand him or her or whoever it may be. It just happens too often. And when I'm with them I don't want to be scared anymore of loneliness. Because that's why we love, we love to no longer feel lonely. And I feel that the ones who break apart, well they do it because they misunderstood. Their connection broke. And with the broken connection they lost the existence of each other, falling into the loneliness of existing on your own, an independent free from perception but not feeling.

Is that to say there is life beyond us? That earth is not the only sustainable planet, that this selfish and self centered view on the world which has been directed back to Hellenistic view where the the earth is the center of everything and everything revolves it, was not indeed true then and neither is it true now? Well, of that be the case then we haven't progressed much. But, if I must choose a place I do have a few. I want to some day visit china and Taiwan. I have family who live there that I have only met on a few rare occasions. I also want to visit New Plymouth, New Zealand. And PEI, Canada. If I visit those places I will be satisfied with the lengths of my travels, though I hope to visit many other places as well, they just aren't as important as these.

It’s to fill the loneliness, therefore making sense of things. Because, by human logic when under stress, it just doesn’t make sense if you are the only one sad. It seems wrong. It seems unfair. And obvious the world can’t be unfair. For,if the world was unfair then it showed that the world had a preference for someone other than you. Which is impossible since the world can’t feel or think or do. It only is. So, to make things seem fair, to make sense of things, to no longer feel lonely and therefore no longer feel sad we listen to sad music. Because, in sad music, we find that we are not the only ones sad. We are not along in our pain. The world is not partial to us and there is fairness. We feel comfort which slowly outweighs the pain. It allows us to be sad therefore allowing us to escape the larger pain that a simple pain brings. But, of course this pain never actually goes away. Our mind simply interprets it in another way. So, in a way, the pain never existed. Which is to say, if the pain never existed and it was out mind simply that changed, did the music actually do anything? And, is anything real? Emotions are a human idea and can be turned off, it is not a simple turn of the switch but it can be done. It is just an altering of our thought completely. Something that is not noticeable, hard to understand, and catalyzed by music.