I've always wanted to know how to live. It baffles me that human beings are able to contemplate life and debate the right ways to live. Do you see any other species having an existential crisis at 1 AM listening to sad music? No. I've been subjected to a plethora of different morals and ideas about life. Who hasn't? I've heard people shun sex before marriage and I've heard people rave about how amazing and necesarry having lots of sex on a regular basis is with strangers. I've heard  people denounce money and material value, while others allow it to become their entire lives, their source of happiness. We live in a world of polars. For so long, I was merely a bistander. I allowed myself to be swayed towards the most persuasive side that somewhat resonated within me. Deep inside, I just wanted to know how we were meant to live. It's difficult for me to agree with staple beliefs about life. The only thing I can almost completely believe is that hate is bad. But even then my foundations are shakey. After talking to new people and coming to understand new ideas about life, I've realized that no one knows what the fuck they're doing. Seriously. We live in a world of endless options, which thereby translates into endless opinions of what's right, fun, holy, etc.. I'm not too judgemental, and I feel like that in itself makes me the perfect target for passionate people to shove their ideas down my throat. For so long I allowed them to really convince me of something, even if just for an hour... until a deep thinking spout unraveled it all. It bothered me so badly that I couldn't have faith. Now I like it. I now enjoy just being the person who's undecided, merely enjoying life for what it is. It's nice to be unfazed by these outrageous claims. For all we know, there really isn't a right way to live. If there is, the only way to find it is by exploring. So I'm exploring.

that’s all.

in my mind when i form these different scenes and scenarios, it’s absolutely consuming. different songs come to mind, different looks, different aesthetics. i feel lost in the beauty of creation. 

I’m done with trying to define myself. My dreams are every changing, always developing and taking new pathways. Of course there are common themes that I’m passionate about, but I’m not going to rely on those things to find my self worth. To get away from comparison, I think we all need to let go of ourselves... by that I mean let go of our ego. Let go of needing to get somewhere. Let go of needing to be perfect. Follow your heart, and don’t let anyone influence the perfect path that it builds for you.

to whatever higher thing i pray to, please help me generate love & compassion. please help me become more positive on my journey. please help me find people that I vibe with and do things that fulfill my soul. thank you.

Today i stressed about college app deadlines, then I shoveled, then I went to a book store, then grocery shopping, then I came home, ate excessive amounts of food, and (highlight of the day) binge watched 90210 for multiple hours. It was a shit day until I distracted my mind with fictional Californian teen drama. I was miserable. My neck & throat hurt, my mind was racing, and it felt impossible to find joy with the freezing winds and snow piled up outside. The approaching college app deadline was more than enough to throw me off the edge. And after writing this out, my mind wants to start racing again. It’s so hard to calm down and sleep. So many things seem so damn difficult. I feel hateful towards myself for feeling tired all the time and not getting what I’d like to done. I hate how I don’t leave the house too often. I hate how it’s so difficult for me to find friends. I hate how I hate myself. I’m trying so hard to be optimistic, but it feels like the only thing that will make me feel better is distraction whether it be spending time with lots of people and being social, physical activity, music. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong. I just don’t want to fuck myself up. Wise people say there is no right or wrong, but there’s some huge pressure telling me that it exists and it’s looming above. Praying to some higher existence / the universe for some source of light at the end of the tunnel to guide me through this mess.

Lately I’ve been seriously craving a connection to the world. Reading different blogs and watching YouTube videos has brought me so much joy. I want to create and share my dreams, experiences, and area that I live in with people around the world. My dream is to travel and to hear others’ stories and to share my experiences with others for the purpose of it serving as inspiration, a smile, or just anything positive. I’m afraid of starting, as I’m still young and haven’t been to too many places and I’m unsure of how to do it. I don’t know what specifically to blog about, but I’m excited to start. I think I’ll continue to use this tumblr as my personal blog and possibly expand to post other content that I’m interested in writing about. 

i was laying in bed, still feeling elated from my earlier conversation with my cool spanish teacher. When someone tells you that your dreams are beautiful, it’s one of the best feelings ever. When you’re talking to someone has lived a life similar to one that you strive for it’s one of the best feelings ever. I have so many goals for myself, a million dreams to achieve, a thousand visions to fulfill, and I feel confident now as I breathe in deep and recognize the power I have.

This morning I already feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, yet I can’t find any good purpose to life. I can’t find anything that makes me happy. I feel like ever since I’ve stopped my little romances in my mind, there’s been nothing to get me excited or happy. I talk myself out of joy so easily. When I’m excited to travel, I think: “it’s just people and food and places. Nothing you haven’t seen before”. I hate the negativity that goes on in my mind constantly. I hate the irritation I feel at my parents. I want this to end, I want to feel genuinely happy. I haven’t felt genuinely happy for so damn long. Maybe two summers ago was the last time? I’m filled with regrets. Fear. And some sort of weird nihilism, not one that I want to have because usually I have really cool theories that I like to ponder about. I love music and I want to groove with it. I can’t play anything, I can’t really sing, but I like just being around it and feeling it. I’m sick of being alone. I’m also sick of relying on people. Praying (not necessarily to god, really to whatever will listen) that I will climb out of this hole that I’m in. Praying that I’ll stop hating myself. Praying. 

20. I want to be the person that I’m proud of. I want to stop chasing those movie moments in my dreams and create a life that I’m so enveloped in happily that I don’t need any other types of stupid romanticized visions to make them good. 

When I was little my nannie & grampie would go to christmas parties with me. Each year I knew they would be there. I would play with my cousins and bop around but whenever I felt bored or lonely I would go sit right next to my nannie. Deep down in my heart I had this happy feeling with my family. Even though I’d only see all of them together 3 or 4 times a year, I still knew that we were blood. But as I grew up, I realized they had their own problems. I was insignificant to most of them, not because I wasn’t worthy or they were selfish, but because they had large problems that took up a lot of their time. Aunts and uncles became more like distant acquaintances as time went on. & now I feel a creepy loathing towards them. I’m not even close enough with these people to loath them, yet I do. I blame myself, I blame them, I blame my life. And now all I want is that sense of family again, that feeling that a big group of people have your back. I’ve always wanted that from somewhere, whether it be one on one friendships, with my parents, etc. but now I just want it on a group scale. Friendships. Fun.

See, I would love to believe that I am smart with my decisions. I regret a lot, although I am intensely aware of how useless and terrible regret is. I’m a living breathing example of contradictory at times, I can be so many things at once. 

why do i let fucking conventions dictate what i’ll do. it’s so annoying. & like of course i’m comparing myself to everyone. it needs to stop. 

What do you people think about Christmas like i’m not even religious yet i still celebrate it with my family just because I grew up that way. I think it’s used for consumerism now and it lost a lot of it’s good meaning 

I feel like as the days go on, I am getting stronger and stronger. Happier and happier, slowly.

Yet some part of me doesn't want to lose anyone I meet. I want everyone to be mine. I want everyone to stay. As I grow, I just want to fly away and explore. I want everyone to ignite true passion, true love. Be happy and live easy, my friend.

I deserve a good life and I’ll have one. I’m happy to be free again. I need to focus on myself, my emotions, my brain. I need to learn to love myself and stop comparing. I need to learn how to have more fun and worry less. And I will. This feels different, it’s good. I’m happy.