Mazie Pearl

As I age, I hurt more

pain is beauty?

beauty is pain?

how can the same fire cause

burns

and

beauty

i am honest

too honest?

no

thats your insecurity

or the rash expectations of women

the world is

cruel

honesty is

cruel

raw

real

do not punish you for being honest

without honesty, who are you?

darkness

hold that close.

treasure the light

let it shine through in iridescent colors

I was sad for so long

Caught up in despair

Tumbling down stairs

Acid burning my flesh

Bones left to rot

I was weak

My legs trembled

But I stood

I began to walk

Then run

Then sprint

Then I found you

Is this possible?

Clouds shifted and let in the light

I am complete

Falling hurts

When no one is there to catch you.

It’s hard

I am soft

Clinging to temporary love

With no worry of pain

It’s easy

It’s temporary

It’s love

But it’s not real.

You were forever

Until you weren’t

You were real.

I am lost

Seeking something extraordinary

Yet fogged over by fear

Spontaneity winning

Yet again

I want it to lose

I want to gain control

Overturn the pattern

Of becoming intrigued by fake satisfaction

Temporary provides then takes away

Forever only provides

I need courage

I need change

I watched it begin

But it wasn’t the same

Refreshing and new

But not you.

No excitement

No endless talks till dusk

No romance

No laughter until tears

No passion

He is the opposite of you

Quiet, soft-spoken, relaxed

What I needed

i thought

But there is now silence where there used to be laughter

No fire

Wishing I was falling for him

But how could I

Heart, body, soul

Racing.

Can’t slow down

It’s racing.

Distracting or procrastinating

But it’s still racing.

Racing on, racing for, and racing with the anxiety

One look caused this

how I regret it

Comparing myself

to my past other half

I’ve regrown but tonight I was stoned

Not pebbles, just bricks

Tearing my skin

I run away

It’s your day. But I can’t be with you. I should be with you. It’s 12:50 am but it’s been torture since midnight. 3 years of celebrations and now nothing. What once was a date I could never forget has to become a regular day. How. I will never pass this day as if it is nothing. Because it is your day. And you mean everything.

I look around. Desperately.

Oh.

I am a lioness, weak, captured by fear.

I look.

I hide.

“Hello”, I say. “Am I safe?”