maybe it works ?

Today has been a horrible day hasn’t it. Our lovely said something last night that made you very upset. You forced it out of them but the truth is the truth and you had to know.

“I should lose weight, shouldn’t I? That’s what you think. Tell me what you think...” “Maybe a little...” “Maybe a little what..?” “Maybe you could lose a little more weight...”

I forced them to say it. I forced it out of them. But it’s the truth right?

I felt very upset. After I was trying to explain how hard it was to grow up as a child who was always fatter than all the other kids. Who was called ugly, fat and pig constantly in school and even in secondary school.

This way of growing up causes a person to grow up with so many insecurities and such a low self esteem. Even now I’m still the same little girl who sees herself in the mirror and hates every part of what it shows her. From her chubby cheeks to her chubby tummy and ugly face.

I shouldn’t think like that anymore but it’s so hard to change such a mindset. How does one learn to love themselves? How does someone look at themselves in the mirror and say kind things to themselves? I can’t do it. It’s so hard when all you think is fat pig, or why don’t you eat less stupid. Why couldn’t you be more attractive?

I felt so lucky to have my lovely in my life from the beginning, two years ago. They were so sweet to me and I was shocked that someone so beautiful and gorgeous and sweet could actually like me in that way too. Me?! I was so happy that someone saw something in me that was good, positive. And not just the chubby fat girl.

So hearing them say those words after two years broke my heart a little. They were my safe space. A place where I could be myself. We did so many things outside of my comfort zone. Even being naked. And that was a huge zone I didn’t want to go into and yet I felt safe enough to do so. I hoped that they didn’t mind my size. That they just loved me. As me.

And right now I can see that yes they still love me no matter my size. They love me as I am. They meant that they knew I’d feel happier and more confident if I did lose weight.

My heart still hurts. As I thought they didn’t care at all. So I feel set back. I don’t want to be intimate at the moment at all. And guess what? They said ok and they hope to help me get more comfortable again. I don’t deserve such kindness after all the heartache I caused. And yet they still show me kindness.

I also wish they found me more attractive. I think that’s what hurts me the most. I don’t feel like they are attracted to me that much anymore. And that hurts. I wish they were able to look at me and think ooh yes I’m a lucky person. Or oh yes she’s a hottie. But I’m just not. And I wish I was. So that I felt more appreciated.

Also a late one.

Today wasn’t the healthiest but also wasn’t the unhealthiest of days.

I didn’t eat too much but we also went to creams for my friend birthday which was great!

We’re a little late today. But that’s okay.

We ate somewhat okay too. We exercised too which was good.

But going to bed late is not good. Also definitely not drinking enough water. Let’s start tomorrow’s day with water.

And go to bed early!

Seeing myself didn’t help today. I look so big and round and it all looks so wrong. It feels almost impossible to slim down and look better...

We’re sad at the moment. We went to weigh ourselves and after the hard work of the last few weeks we weighed more than ever before.

On this day (Wednesday 21st October 2020) we weighed 109.5 kg .

I know you’re sad, angry, worried, but there is only one way left to go and that’s forward.

So go have some brunch even though it’s late and let’s get on with our day.

Today we decided to try this.

We read online about different weight loss journeys and how writing a blog or in general writing about it was helpful.

So here we are.

To do this we need reasons. Let’s answer some questions.

1. Why do you want to make this change?

For weight loss - due to health reasons as well as self love and self esteem reasons. I want to be more confident, feel healthier and stronger. I want to learn to love myself just as I am right now as well as the me that will blossom through this blog.

2. What are the three best reasons for you to make this change?

First - the most important to me is my health. I want to feel healthy, strong, I want to prove to myself that I can do anything as long as I work hard.

Second - the next important is self love. I want to see my big self right now as someone worthy, someone beautiful. I want to go on this journey with a positive mindset and loving almost every moment.

Third - the last reason is my self esteem. It has almost always felt low unfortunately. At this very moment it feels like a little sapling. And I want this journey to help me nurture it into a little bush and one day in the future, maybe a beautiful tree.

3. On a scale from 0 to 10, how important would you say that it is for you to make this change?

To me, a very high 8.5 . It’s an important thing to love yourself. To feel happy and confident in your own skin. And I hope to achieve that.

I hope we make it through this Tolka.