Max Lilly

It’s full of anger

I love you so much

Why?

and Jump

Surround me

Until you stand in shallow water

I search for words to convey myself My mind is blank Once an easel for the world Color is drained from my brain I search for will to controll myself My will is weak Sick and tired of the world Power is drained from my soul I search for the love to forgive myself My pride is hurt Can't get away from the world Compassion drains from my heart Drip Drip

Beautiful and a nightmare Ugly and yet interesting There is so much hidden from me Is there value in ignorance Or is it just fate Humans cannot live without pain A good story has tension sadness has value Hate brings with it pleasure Anxiety keeps us from killing eachother Violence keeps us alive Who am I to say what is good or bad love brings with it jealousy stimulus brings addiction Nature holds disaster Knowledge creates destruction Faith does so also Life is needed for deat h and Death for new life End requires a beginning Does a beginning require an end?

We are not perfect Each day we destroy Each day we produce waste Each day we suck energy from the world Like bugs we infest the earth Each of us insignificant, but together a plague Like fire we burn ourselves out Each of us stealing fuel, together unsatisfied We are not perfect But each day if we build more than we destroy We can clean more than we mess up We can create more than we ruin Making more friends than enemies Making more beginnings than dead ends We change the world We change our lives One day at a time

Simultaneously I reject myself and accept myself. The reason no one knows the real you Is because no one wants to know Who you are What you are Your problems Your demons Even you Everyone who cares about you doesn’t want to know Everyone who doesn’t would use it against you We’re all frightened Scared of conflict Or scared into conflict We pretend we have control I have no control, yet I have control over everything I am so broken Fragmented Not a single whole I am but the observer A god over myself Yet all the broken pieces working in conjunction Can only be me

Wait for me world The many pools of your institution Are filled with piranhas You want me to jump in You want me to lose my toes You want to tell me that there is too much to ever know You do not want me to go slow. Wait for me world I do not want you to go Wait for me world Where are you off to Where is it that you push me to in such a hurry Do you hate me so much that you would leave me behind? The world waits for no one Wait for me world I do not want you to go Please stop striking me Please stop rushing me You snooze you lose I am no loser I am just tired Why have me fired I can do so much If you would just wait I could change you If you would just hesitate Stop going past so fast I love you, you know I hate you too The more you love something the more you can hate it Is that true Shove that gunk Into your stomach Into your head Do not taste it Keep running instead Run through your life You can’t keep up Too bad The world was not made for you The world calls back from far ahead You are the lucky one The others are already dead You are the lucky one Get out of your selfish head Keep on reading Get out of bed You are the lucky one Look at all those who are behind you Look at how slow I go for you But not for them I have no response Except that I feel exhausted and wasted and used I am the lucky one I say I do not really care Wait for me anyway Wait for them too Wait for everyone

123, I count Counting is easy Counting is boring Counting isn’t fun Life is not easy Life is not boring Life is not always fun You do not get a choice To stop living today And start again tomorrow It is not that simple As simple as counting Life is counting in many respects Repetitive yet changing Gets harder as you go There are parts that are boring There are parts that seem so slow In counting you never get anywhere In life it is also so You can get to 2 or 3 or 4 You can get to 5 or 6 or more But you are never done That’s part of why It’s never fun Fun to count forever If life was only counting And when you stopped counting It would end Would you count forever And never reach the end Or would you give up one day And give it away A life that’s only counting Isn’t worth your stay Is life more than counting If it is What is involved What parts of life are counting And what parts make it fun How can my life be more than counting How can I make counting fun How good will I feel when I reach 101

Sometimes you’ve got to feel like shit Sometimes shit is legit Perfect Is not something you are You have got to accept That you are wrong All the time That you will never be sure Sometimes it’s ok to lie down and mope Sometimes it’s ok to realise you’re a dope Sometimes you have got to realise That the fact The world revolves around you Doesn’t make you the center We revolve around each other Sometimes you’ve got to realise The silent universe Isn’t going to speak to you You are the main character Of a badly paced story Life is not a dream You are not a lucid dreamer Your emotions aren’t fake Your life is not shameful No one will write On your grave He didn’t try, he wasn’t brave You are a smelly being Creating waste But that’s fine You are a lazy human But that’s fine You are a sorry pile of shit But that’s fine You are what you are And what you are is what you will be You will be what you will And no one can stop you

Does the world want me, The way I want it. What do I have to do Who do I have to be Should I be who the world wants Should I be who I want Who do I want to be Whoever it is It isn’t me Am I a shity parasite A crazy stupid being of spite Is the world my curse? Or am I the worlds curse Is it one and the same Is this just a silly game Will I be ok if I understand Will I be ok if I don’t Am I ok I am not ok Not right now I got lost somewhere And I don’t know how to find my way   The perception of self is always changing Though I remain myself The world changes too But I am left without a clue Alone again Not knowing what to do I feel unwanted by the world Ignored in much the same way I ignore the many world issues I don’t have the energy to confront Our relationship is evolving In as many ways positive as negative But I still want the world I want to play even though It seems This game is rigged So that I will never win Yet unless I fold Neither will I lose My time will pass And as I die I will sigh With my last breath I will ask Why?   My game Will forever be incomplete Even in death I will not be beat Yet I will not be satisfied My question not answered An insult to my pride The issues will remain My impact like a stain Will be beyond my reach Removed like by bleach I want the world I do not want to change the nature of the world Though I want the nature of the world to change Tell me your will oh universe Communicate with me Give me hope oh objects and observations Give me will to keep playing Be my friend oh universe I may be a poor one, But don’t give up on me Let our trade be mutually beneficial Do not spurn my love for you No matter what I say I do not hate you   Be patient with me For I am slow Be kind to me For I am easy to offend Tell me who you are Of that part of you which belongs to me Allow me to know you. Allow me to know of you. My greed may be a curse to us, But it is also what defines us Please accept me Please Please I know I’m weird Please I don’t mean you any harm Please Please Please though I hurt you, I don’t want too I know that you do not want to hurt me I really want to talk to you I really want to spend time with you I am so shy I can’t help but feel that my emotions are fake My desires are undesirable And my being is detestable There are always some who accept There are always some who reject Is it ok to be me Is it ok to be honest That is my plea Is it ok to search For something unfindable Is it ok to attempt to climb That which is unclimbable Am I real Are my emotions real Are you even listening I feel you do not care Just as no one else cares Just as I won’t care To be honest I don’t know what you think of me I don’t know who you are I may be wrong to personify you But you are filled with entities known and unknown Filled with societies and impetus and whatnot Filled with mysteries and understandings A complex and majestic system I plead with the unconscious In the same way I plead with fate With my fate I am sad to face the possibility of leaving your presence I am not sure what of you will remain once I am gone I am not sure what of me will remain I don’t know what is important Or if anything is I do not wish to depress myself I have a journey to embark on I have a silly game to play I am playing badly But for now I am still in it Though I have no chance to win it There is still much to explore And surprises waiting behind many a door But I still wish for something more Being in your company Is something I enjoy But I can’t help but notice All the ways I am pretending But when I try to stop There is nothing left Perhaps our greed And thus mine Is messing with me It seems so obvious that something is missing I turn simple into complex I turn experience into meaning The reality may just be That there is no meaning No truth that you do not see I do not know what to believe But put this way life seems lonely Dull and gray It cannot be that way There is something to understand There is something about the world that is grand If only in the way things repeat Or in the way humans think The way in which we interact The way things push and pull The change and movement Space and time Reason and rhyme

At the center of the world I sit And I hate myself for it I hate their gaze I hate the fact that they do not look The center of the world is lonely For there is only one who can fit At the edge of the world I roam There is no place I can call my home Trapped in a maze For which there is not a direction book The limitless interior is the only Valid guiding tome Outside of the world I cease You could say I am at peace Though I have no days To cherish a timeless nook A world where all existence is phony from our world there is no true release

I do not feel worthy I am not worthy to win This poem is not worthy to be read I am not worthy to be liked I am not worthy to be known I am not worthy to exist Unworthy to exist in peace Not worthy to talk to Not worthy to be seen Worthless for he does not care Worthless for if he does care It only hurts him Worthless for he acts weak When he is powerful Worthless for he acts stupid When he is smart Worthless for he acts like a king When he is a servant Worthless for he acts like a servant When he is a king Filled with strange grace Yet reduced to looking clumsy Filled with strange wisdom Yet reduced to be a fool Filled with strange compassion Yet reduced to slam the door in your face   Worthless for he does not listen Worthless for he listens and forgets Worthless for he does not notice When the world changes Worthless for he does not act At the opportune moment I am unworthy to have friends I am unworthy to be loved For he would not die for his loved ones For he would not fight for his friends Worthy only to crumble Worthy only to fail Worthy only to disappoint I refuse to be only mortal He cannot be a god Wishing to be worthy He is worthless Wishing to be free He is bound Wishing to give up He refuses Wishing to continue He shuts down Forget about him He doesn’t matter Stop loving him Give him over to death He’s worthless I am attached to the love of others I am attached to my life I am attached to my dreams I am worthless What matters in this world It’s not him I matter Only in so far as he is made of matter I want to give up at the right time I want to think at the right time I want to do my job at the right time He wants to show his worth He wants to prove it He knows it’s wrong He knows he’s making the wrong choices He knows what to do I don’t always know what to do He must know his worth I’m worthless He thinks he can get away Don’t chase me He thinks he can run Leave me alone He thinks he is invulnerable His defense is worthless He believes in lies He’s suspicious of truth I jump to conclusions I fire without proof Worthless for I am unsatisfied by small successes Worthless for I am too embarrassed to wear dresses Worthless for I talk too much Yet not enough Worthless for I write when I could be in the fight I sit back when I should Be on the attack I read When all the world’s in need I refuse to kneel I refuse to bleed I watch as dreams get squashed The commander screams in my ears March Even though my head smarts I am stiff as a board Awaiting my award It’s a softer blow then I expect Like it’s someone else’s life who’s wrecked That’s when it’s most clear to me That he is worthless but I am even more so unworthy