the ultimate father experience

at the grocery store i bought 2 limes and a lemon and the checker said to me "two limes and a lemon... Anything could happen"

I just ate basically uncooked oatmeal and it was pretty good

I love it when semi trucks come to a stop and let that little fart out

i think furniture legs should be carved into little animal feet again.  i think that would solve a lot of problems. 

honestly i peaked as a zygote like.. i was completely androgynous.. unproblematic.. no acne… truly my golden years

my hot topic cashier had big buttons that said “ask me about my fursona” and “submissive” on his lanyard but no name tag because thats just too personal i guess

#the wisest man at the nude beach hides his face not his genitals

do you know how many bones the human body has? its 206. we start with 369 when we’re babies but they fuse. wouldn’t you want to go back? have as many bones as a baby? what if i could help you

hi yeah what the actual, literal, GENUINE fuck does this mean

However you think this story will end is wrong

ive eaten shrimp exactly 5 times in my life, always with gusto and an utter lack of self-restaint, and each time has ingrained itself in my memory as distinctly nightmarish when they ended with me ralphing it all back up within the hour. i thought this was reflective of my hubris and insufficient fear of god, but it is only as i write this post now, crumpled to my knees on the floor of this eresto’s bathroom after eating half a baja taco and recalling that my dad is allergic to shellfish, i realize perhaps the issue is not with a higher power, but with a deeper one. biology.