Matt Ritter's Funny Musings

Matt Ritter’s Straight Guy Bachelorette Blog.Finale. Wow, I can’t believe the summer has gone so fast, so much heartbreak, so much love, some lust…but mostly humiliation for these clowns. And for me, a really rewarding journey into blogging. Thanks mostly to my loyal readers who have sprung up all over the country, I landed a job blogging about the Bachelor Pad for this really awesome pop culture site called Crushable.com. I hope you will check out my stuff, starting next week, I promise to keep you laughing. Thanks again for reading. Here we go.

As we all know JP and Ashley are 100% ending up together so it takes a little fun out of it, but I’ll do what I can. Here’s a brief recap of Men Tell All Highlights. Why is Tim here, gotta be so boring for him to sit through this whole thing. He needs a drink so badly, I see his hands shaking. His speech is so thlurred.

Everyone hates Ryan. Camp counselor line pretty much hit the nail on the head.

William is definitely not gonna be making it as a standup comic. But he could be the funniest guy at the Verizon store, so that’s something. He doesn’t understand the meaning of the phrase “pulling punches”, he thinks it means the exact opposite of what it really means. Hilarious.

Ryan - I love how Ryan and Bentley were both her “perfect guy”. They couldn’t be more different. That’s like saying my perfect pet is chihauhua but also a condor. Wow, Ryan read books about what questions to ask. And he keeps a journal. Still shouldn’t be the Bachelor. Nice try, sucka.

Ames- ok, America has spoken, you are the next Bachelor. I guess you are fooling more women. Love watching him run.

Bentley getting called genuine is so priceless. Shouldn’t child custody have stepped in after watching this show. “Yeah, I’m leaving my daughter for 2 months so I can mess with some girl on a game show”. Seriously, one of the dudes should just man up and knock that dude out right now. That’s so messed up that Chris couldn’t get him to show up. Worst contract loophole ever. Ha great outtakes of girls in crowd snickering at “we all go for the bad boy.”

Why did Ashley dye her hair?

Ryan, you are not gonna be the Bachelorette! Stop it. If Ryan ends up as the Bachelorette, I quit. It’s him or me Harrison!

Ali doesn’t look so hot, gums are weird, Jason’s hairline needs some propecia, Deanna just looks hot.

Onto the Finale: Who’s it gonna be? Everyone in the country except 1 guy knows it’s gonna be JP. Unfortunately that guy is El Vino. (that’s my new nickname for him, do we like it?) JP is the biggest favorite since Secretariat.

Wow, her sister is a tattooed dirtball, and I mean that in the nicest way. Hilarious that she will seek her advice. That makes sense. Her brother sweating and using a towel, jeez, your in your 20s, save the fatty towel sweating for your 50s. Wow, her parents are kinda trashy. Actually real trashbags, but I’m trying to be diplomatic. JP is such a whiny baby, can’t wait to see him not mesh with her tough as nails biker sister. I’d be scared if I were him. Wow, mom already gave blessing to JP, that should be it then right?

Wrong! Chrystal- asking the tough questions. Wow, JP doesn’t make her laugh, not surprising since he spends most of his time in a jealous rage or crying. Ha, Crystal – “you’re too much for him. He’s older and demure, you’re young and too much for him.” Translation, were a bunch of trashbags from middle of nowhere and he’s a nice Long Island Jew boy.

FYI- I always go to my tattoo artist for any important life decisions. Other than tattoos, I would never go to him for that because I know what a bad idea those are. Poor JP wasn’t picturing this family at all.

I’m sooooo attracted to Chrystal. I would possibly get a tattoo of her. Note – I am deliberately misspelling her name because every girl named Cristal spells it differently and I find that annoying.

Cant’ believe that got Rober Iler to play the part of Ashley’s younger brother. (aka Anthony Soprano Jr) On second thought, he’s more like a young Will Hunting, without the special math abilities.

I love Chrystal’s directness: What is it about Ashley that you see that makes you think you could propose. Just answer this question correctly and you get her acceptance. JP: Um, she makes me smile, we have a chemistry, I can’t explain it in words. That’s your answer. Can’t list one positive attribute? That’s a problem buddy. Wow, she pulled the old man card on him. He’s 34, not 50? Jeez, how young is Ashley, she looks mid-to-late 30s. Wow, Chrystal point blank said she wouldn’t be happy if JP proposed. She may be a psycho on the outside, but she calls them like she sees them. JP is a snoozefest. This just got ugly. Ashley just said her family’s opinion made her rethink things. Poor JP, he’s back on suicide watch which he apparently was on from his ex-girlfriend.

How much did Chris Harrison pay Chrystal to give JP a hard time? How much child support did Harrison give her? Enough to put her kids through technical school?

Chrissie is so hard on Ashley. It’s because the parents love Ashley more. Classic older sister/younger sister stuff.

Christal basically agrees with my views on Ashley, I think Im in love with her. I’d love for her to get a tattoo of me next to that Asian lady on her left arm.

Ben- ok, comes in does a few dog voices, they basically cued him in to acting goofy. You can see Chrystal likes him better..but hated that his mom is like Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart is Chrissie’s mortal enemy. Christal asks Ben the same question, he answers it slightly better. Still 2 guys get asked to name a good quality about Ashley, still 0 good qualities list. Hold your horses Krystle “I’ve been married and I’ve been divorced” NO WAY. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. ANYONE BUT KRISTAL (CAPS=SARCASM)

How much did Chris Harrison pay Crissie to be super nice to Ben to keep us watching the last hour? Did he pay off all her credit card debt? Did he buy her a tattoo parlor? Did he have her ex-husband killed? We need to know these things.

Wow, Ben really thought she was gonna marry him. Or was it a ploy to lock up the next Bachelor gig? You never know these days. Still hate Ben’s deep V-necks and all guys who wear them. He’s in love and this is the best he’s ever felt about a woman….until next season on the Bachelor! Ben dropping L bombs is just painful. Him telling her about asking her families permission and her doing the bad poker face should have clued him in to walk away. Looks like she smelled poop. Ben and her making out and him saying he’s not gonna sleep tonight means they boned right? Didn’t they already bone once.

Ashley wears great bras, her boobies look spectacular. How am I just now noticing that insane vein on JP’s head. I would never shave my head if I had a huge artery running through it.

I think the best part of this show is right now when they both realize how dumb it is to get married to someone they know nothing about, have never discussed how their life will work together…and yet they do it anyway.

Damn, JP broke out the framed photo album. I didn’t know you were allowed to go to Kinkos in Fiji. If Ben knew that he would probably done that too right?

I’m so torn, I like Ben, but I mean, I absolutely have to root for the neurotic, insecure Jew from Long Island.

Hahaaha, Ashley keeps a journal. Oops, why am I laughing. I keep a journal.

We have a relationship built on this unspoken attraction, just this romance. Hmm, that should be enough to get you through 2-3 months. So weird that she’s gonna chose JP when everything she says about Ben is what someone would say about their husband and everything she says about JP is what you would say about a guy you dated in high school for a few months. Oh, right, she’s a horrible decision maker, almost forgot.

Love it when the diamond guy acts like he gives a shit. Wonder how many Africans were slaughtered over that one. Why is Neil Lane trying to get in JP’s head. Is Harrison giving him a script. “JP’s the insecure one, fuck with him a little.”

I always wondered where on the island the guy’s stay. Are they in same villa. That’s gotta be so weird. Is anyone else even on the island?

Of course it’s Ben up first. Can’t wait to see him cry. Aww, seriously, that makes me tear up when he talks about losing his dad and then gaining Ashley. Because we all know he’s not. Wow, so weirdly anticlimactic. That proposal was awful and rushed and she sorta tried to stop him. Shouldn’t have let him propose, but of course she needs the affirmation. But neither of them seem that upset. Honestly. I like his parting lines “Good things don’t end unless they end badly” and I’m sure you guys will have a nice life together. At least he left with his dignity.

How much time you think it took her to get over Ben. 5-6 minutes tops. Ashley is such a fraud. We all know what real pain looks like and that’s not it.

JP- still cant believe he can’t list one positive attribute about her but proposed. This is so unshocking. I’m so bored by them. But I love how all of the sudden she immediately started calling him baby.

After the Final Rose: Can’t wait for Ben to stick it to Ashley. Not loving the flat hair, bad choice to not use curl enhancing conditioner this morning.

What the hell, Ashley has hair extensions? She can’t even look him in the eye. He was too nice to her.

Sidenote- These women in the crowd are dirty!

Ashley calling JP a great kisser just proves what a child she is. Who talks about their fiancée like that.

Hahahahah, Chris Harrison asked JP what he loved about her. Again, he speaks in ambiguity, can’t pinpoint one thing, one single quality he loves about her. This is truly sad and pathetic. I wish them a very happy 4-6 months together. Well at least the feeling is mutual, she also is at a loss for words when coming up with one single quality about JP. Anyone in a healthy loving relationship can come up with 20 qualities off the top of their head that they love about their partner.

Matt Ritter's Straight Guy Bachelorette thoughts for Week 8. Wow, seems like just yesterday I was calling Ashley an insecure loser who didn’t deserve any of these guys and now….I feel the exact same way. Oops.

Shot for every time she says “he’s everything I’m looking for” and “I can really see myself with him”….what can I say, I’m in the mood to get wasted.

Her talking about Ben. Question- do guys often talk about their emotional walls. I thought that was just how girls described guys? I didn’t know we were supposed to be self-aware.

Her talking about Constatine – I bet he benches 285 at least. She again said it’s moving slow. That means his Greek goose is cooked.  She’s lying about loving his family. Blatantly lying. She hated his weird uncle throwing dollar bills at her and was creeped out.

Her talking about JP- could it be any more obvious at this point, that she is madly in love with him, and he is obsessed with her.  Why even have the last two epsidos. If JP doesn’t win, I will auction off a kidney on Craiglist. I mean my worst nightmare is that is gets stolen after a drunken night and I wake up in a bathtub, so at least this way I am in control of it.

Overnight dates- Over/under - sexual partners -2. I assume she will give JP and Ben humdingers and maybe toss JP’s salad. Constantine could probably catch up if he went down on her for like 5 hours. Anyone else ever really, really wonder about that stuff?  Are there condoms in the room, has anyone caught an STD before, have to get an abortion? Chris Harrison, we deserve to know these things!

Whhhhhattttt. Ryan showed up. The producers must have forced this. She is NOT regretting sending you home Ryan. You are delusional. You will be sent home crying.  I’m cringing right now.  She feels NOTHING for you. Maybe a little bit of friend vibe. Is it my imagination or did Ashley age a few years on this show? Sort of like the President ages horribly while in office. She looks 40 right now.  She is so not into you. Can you not see this? Ashley bad poker face coming out. She is so disinterested in him. 

Ashley mentally wrapping her head around this: “I was planning on blowing 2 maybe 3 guys, but 4..”No way I’m doing FOUR! No way.

Ben date- I have to say, I like that he’s not ripped at all. Why kind of cheeseball has abs in their 30s. (Hypocritcal sidenote- I’m doing P90x and desperately trying to get my body into non-embarrassing shape so I don’t have to wear a shirt in the pool).

Does Ashley have small fake boobies? Can anyone confirm or deny this?

Snorkling – that’s amateur hour.

Ben loses major points for the number of bracelets he wears. I never noticed that before.  He makes a conscious decision every morning after he showers and gets dressed to go “oops, I almost forget my bracelets and lanyard.” Also I hate wide v neck shirts like that.

Ashley with no makeup is not a good look for anyone. 

Also, when did the barber come onto the show to give Ben a haircut…or did one of the other guys do that when he was sleeping, Delilah style?

“I’m on my way to the whole I love you thing”. That’s a weird way to say “Im falling in love with you.”

Fantasy suite card – aka – blowjob city…normally, when it’s the Bachelorette, I would assume the guyhas to do the work to impress her, but we all know how insecure she is.

Damn, had to do a shot just now.  Oh well, guess we don’t get to what happens in the suite. Is there an uncut version online somewhere? Remember when that Joe Millionaire show had that girl in the field making slurping sounds. That was awesome.

Constantine date – Looks like fun, Why is he wearing sneakers. Did he forget his sandals. That happened to me once in Uruguay, it was the worst.

She just said she hopes things take off tonight. She wants to take Connie to bangtown. She is trying so hard to make him like her.

Oops, I didn’t notice that he also wears bracelet. Makes sense, if his brother wears one. But he’s Greek, I’m pretty sure that’s a thing, so he doesn’t lose as many points as mini-Constantine.

Ashley uses so many euphemisms for “we need to bone tonight!”

Wow, Constanine brought up Ben. They are “Friends”? Really? This is cool, uncharted territory on the Bachelorette before. Discussing the male bonds. Interesting.

Wow, Constantine is basically just telling Ashley “I’m just not that into you.”  Holy hell. What is happening!!!!!

“I know what this fantasy suite means” Haaaaaaaaa. “I respectfully decline the blowie.”

Wowwwww. So he just shot her down. Finally, someone who realizes “jeez, I can really marry this mediocre chick, I got as many free trips out of it as I could.”

That was anti-climatic. No tears?? Kudos to Constantine. We all knew he was gonna marry a Greek girl named Maria or Elena, right.

Ryan- why are you still here. Go home you clown. Go make some solar panels. This isn’t gonna get you to become the next Bachelor.

Or maybe she’ll second guess and say, maybe I should just settle for that chump Ryan? ABC is just trying to confuse us. She loves JP, end of story.

Ryan - Why are you smiling all the time. What drugs are you on? Calling a guy the “right guy on paper” is so condescending.  

Ryan getting rejected twice by Ashley is a new low for humanity.  You still don’t get to be the next Bachelor pal, but Match.com is open for business.

JP Date – Ugg, why are we still watching the show. Vegas wont even take action on this show. I still want to know who hurt JP. Who are these girls and what did they do to the guy?

How does JP do that thing with his eyebrows, they both point up and in. It’s amazing!

It would be a pretty cool twist if the smoke monster from LOST was on the island with them.

JP- bracelet free!

Ashley is ready to end the charade and send Ben home. Chris Harrison is probably annoyed she’s not faking it a little. 

JP is gonna drop the L bomb, I’m calling it now.

She totally confused him. He thinks he’s the only guy now. Oh man, the Bentley bomb just dropped. I’ll do a nostalgic shot.

Fantasy card time – is JP gonna ruin it by not pounding her out and making puppy love instead?

Talk w Chris Harrison – How many different perfect guys for her does Ashley have?

Rose Ceremony – Most awkward Rose ceremony to date. Would be awesome if both guys peaced out. Fellas don’t read too much into who gets the first Rose. JP is about to cry, he didn’t get the first Rose.

Gotta be so weird standing next to another guy that just slept with your girlfriend.

Can’t wait for her sister to immediately diss one of the guys.  Wow, her family is real garbage, I am so pumped.

Matt Ritter's Straight Guy Bachelorette Thoughts from Week 8:

Oooh so excited to meet their families, I’m pretty sure I’m more excited than Ashley is.

I went to Penn too, she is shaming our school with comments like “you’re really in your element here” in describing the guys with their families…You think??? At their home, with their families as opposed to on a reality dating show. What an astute observation.

I like Constantine’s dad. I’m sure the twittersphere is all about comparing him to the guy from the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It would be awesome if he popourriied his farts in front of Ashley.

Ashley proves time and time again how shallow she is by always starting with the guys looks.

I’ll do a shot this week for everytime she says she has a “real connection” or she could “really see herself” with someone. Lets see how banged up I get.

She started with looks in describing Ben and Constantine which at least is consistent since there are genetically about .00001 apart.

I feel like we are back in the 70’s when people used the word “unique” to describe “gay.” It’s okay to be gay Ames, unique is such a silly word. Ashley has never been to Manhattan if she’s never met anyone like Ames. Every Metrosexual who works on Wall Street is applying for the next season right now.

JP reminds me a little of Jennifer Jason Leigh in single white female at this point. Yes, I’m saying he’s a jealous psychopath. I really hope he doesn’t show up at any of the other guy’s homes.

Date 1: Constantine: I’m so confused about what she likes “physically”, Bentley and Constantine are not physically similar.

Guys who say “like” as grown men lose major points with me!

Dmitri, Eleni, Maria – way to perpetuate all my Greek stereotypes. Wait, they own an Italian restaurant. Now I’m confused. This is like when I go to a Mexican restaurant and it’s own by Chinese people. I do not want to eat here.

She definitely is not going to marry a guy who works at a pizza place is she? This isn’t Joe Millionaire. Lunch kiss was lame. I still say they don’t have the chemistry she has with JP or Ben. Obviously, I don’t need to mention Ames chemistry issues with a female at this point.

Maria is hot. Big hoop earrings. Nose job. Not my type but someone should nominate her to be a contestant on a Greek dating show.  

Heleni is asking the hard questions.  Ashley does not want to move wherever they are. Where are they?? Did they say? I missed that, someone please email me. Oh, Atlanta, she definitely doesnt wanna move there. Demetri reminds me of my dad, all foreign dads remind me of my dad though.  Would have been awesome if Demetri said “she has nice tight little body, but her face not so good.”  Is Nia Vardalos getting a cut of this episode? Seriously, she should probably get a small fee for writing this.  Wow, the crazy uncle making it rain.  So shady and funny at the same time. Ashley totally didn’t dig this family. It’s OVER for Connie even though she just said she could see herself with him. Damn, had to do a shot just now.

Date 2: Ames: How rich is this guy. We are on a huge farm. How much tanning cream did Ames put on. Take it down a notch, Snooki. 

Ames sister asks the tough questions: Wow, Ashley admitted it moved slowly, but she wants to peel the layers of Ames. But she basically said it’s too late.  Ashley so wants to get the hell out of here so she can hang out with JP or Ben.

Momma Ames – Ashley repeated slow, I think she’s bracing them to crush her son.  Wow, so Ashley just admitted it to us, she feels nothing for Ames. Her gaydar is working. That is bad producing work ABC, you’re supposed to misdirect us…or are you, you tricky devils. 

Ames and his sister both have the same weird chromagnun forehead.  Wow, sister basically told him he better try to bang this girl, stat.  Picnic under the tree, good move. Move. Ha, she didn’t know he went to boarding school, I could have told you that.  They aren’t touching each other, this is a baaad sign.  Oh man, Ashley tell is coming out again. She is not into him and he is talking about amazing kisses. Her face is sooooooo telling. Worst poker player ever.

Date 3:  Ben – jesus how rich are these assholes. If I had to take a girl to my dad’s one bedroom apartment in Queens it would be game over.  Wine date in Sonoma at his winery, Pretty pimp move.   God it’s so obvious its JP vs. Ben. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. That was an overstatement, but I would bet anyone ten dollars on it at least.  I like Ben. Again, I reiterate my position that he is way too good for Ashley. The best thing that could happen to him would be to end up as runner up, become the Bachelor and get a whole new slate of 25 girls much hotter, smarter, confident and cooler than Ashley. He has to be thinking that at this point. I would.  He should just walk up to JP and be like “if you love her, you can have her.”

Wow, mom breaking out the kids pictures, does she like Ashley or is that just what every mom does? Why do they think Ashley is incredible, can someone please please explain this to me sometime. I think Ben is awesome and Ashley is average at best. Does he just want to win this game show? Man, I started tearing up thinking about Ben’s dad. He was probably a great guy. (I’m actually not being sarcastic for a minute) 

Damn it she just said she could see herself spending the rest of her life with him, Another shot. Damn, why did I bother going to the gym.

Date 4: JP date:

Whoa, Roslyn! That’s where my mom is from and lives with my Grandma. Holy hell. Now I have to root for JP. Good Jewish boy from Long Island. She loves JP, he’s obviously the winner. Game over. I would bet my entire baseball card collection on it.  I’ve been to that Roller Skating rink. Ha, pulling out the cheesy 80s discoball, I love it. Chicago, anyone else singing out loud in their den right now.  Wow, that probably cost ABC at least 50k for that 30 seconds of glory.

Is she thinking “this wine is absolutely shiiite compared to Ben’s.”?

As a rule, girls prefer to date someone who’s dad is alive right? I’m just asking….too soon? 

JP is admitting in the past he was a jealous psycho who got cheated on, I’m just speculating.

Family time - I wanna know how much of a mess JP was after his last breakup, are we talking Mikey from Swingers level? Did his girlfriend get pregnant with his best friend’s baby.

His brother is straight out of central casting for Long Island schlub.

She said she’s smitten, she never said that to anyone else, game over. 

Wow, JP’s bar-mitzvah board. Now I HAVE TO ROOT FOR THIS GUY. Hilarious. I probably went to camp with this guy.  Although most people had sports themes, his was just a huge headshot. Weird.

Okay, time for Rose ceremony. I wager my entire estate and my knighthood on JP and Ben.

Jesus, do I still have to do Bentley shots, what the hell, for old times sake.

“Ames would be the best husband”….”if I were a dude and they allowed civil unions.” Is what she meant to say.  Honestly, if she thought that he would make the best husband she would marry Ames, right?

Oops, I thought they were eliminating two people tonight. Only one, then my pick is Ames. So long, sweet Prince.

Totally called it. Phew, did not want to give up the estate on the Hudson.  I’m also betting he will not cry.  Please for the love of god someone start a Gay Bachelor show and give Ames 25 desirable men. He deserves it! Do it ABC. Now.  Oh well, back to the life of a rich hedge fund a-hole. So sad.

Did a standup show for a teen tour last night and it was awesome. I was nervous about it because I had never done a show for teens before, didnt know what material to do, if they would get it, if I would connect to them. They were really young, some were as young as 13, 14.  But they were a great audience, they pretty much laughed at everything! Life hasn't jaded them yet. There were a few things that went over some of there heads, I referenced Christopher Reeve, another comic mentioned Judy Garland...but overall they got the jokes.  If you think about it, your prime comedy watching years for most people are in their teens. At least for a comedy junkie like me, 14 years old was when I spent my nights watching HBO and memorizing bits from guys like Richard Jeni and Larry Miller.

Anyway, the tour was an east coast group, so I was looking around and I saw some really little dudes that reminded me of me, I was all of 5 feet in high school. The best way to deal with these teen was to talk to them too. I went into the crowd and high fived a few of them, I joked around about Long Island and told the crowd that the little dudes would be winners in life while the big cool jocks would end up pumping gas, even though those jocks were already big enough to kick my ass. I even started doing quotes from Mean Girls, basically pandering to my teen audience. 

I even recounted a story to the kids about how I got kicked off my teen tour bus because I refused to switch seats with a counselor. Long story short, I was a stubborn kid, the counselor was late and their was only one empty seat, the garbage seat next to the toilet. I refused to give up my seat for him. After they got the head of the camp on the bus, I still refused and told the counselor to fuck himself. Instead of becoming the Rosa Parks of teen tours and giving teens the right to sit where ever they want, I was thrown off the bus and missed out on Dorney Park. Wherever you are Scott Bernstein, I still wanna kick your ass for that...kidding, I"m over it...or am I?

Bachelorette Week 7

Thanks for reading everyone. I've gotten alot of great feedback from this silly experiment and of course a few people that hate me now, what else is new. Anyway, onto my week seven straight guy Bachelorette thoughts. One again, I am blogging as I watch so obviously, there will be many contradictions and incorrect preidcitons, but its way more fun that way. sorry.  Oooh we even get an Emily interview. I predict that she still has very white teeth and she admits that Jake 2.0 beat her and her kid with a lead pipe.  BTW- if Emily’s 25, then I’m 7.

I’m starting to think the whole concept of going on a reality show to find love may not be the best idea. Tough week, very excited to see who makes the final 4. My prediction is JP, Ames, Ryan and Ben.  I think its crazy that there are that many guys left that are legitimately interested in Ashley. I mean outside of reality TV land, all 4 of those guys would never settle for Ashley, Ames could find a much better man that her for sure.

I assume I can finally stop playing the Bentley drinking game. I don’t even have any booze left in the house thanks to that asshole. I wonder how his business is doing, can someone google plus that for me.

Anyone else notice an Asian theme this season ;) So bizarre.

She cant possible bring Constantine and mini-Constantine on hometown dates right? I mean the comedic possibilities of seeing two clone families would be just too much.

Ha, Ashley said “Taiwan is the hidden jewel of Asia. Not a lot of people know about it.” Really, who are these people?  It’s the 26th biggest economy in the world! That’s like saying not a lot of people know about Argetina or Greece. Dumbass.

Why is Lucas still here? This isn’t “America’s next top oil man,”

Anyone else think JP is showing slight hints of psychotically jealous behavior? Just me?

I feel like Emily would probably be compatible with Rusty Wallace. Is that a car racer, don’t know shit about car racing, but I assume the guys are as interchangeable as the cars. If one blows out, you just replace it.

I squint soooo hard to make Ashley pretty, but I just haven’t been able to do it. But at least she has a lot of other great qualities like……umm….umm…..anyway.

Constantine date- they have never had the physical chemistry needed. Sorry buddy. Wow she is so pathetic, he said what do you see in me and she started with his looks. So sad.  I have to admit I like that Constantine is the only one who hasn’t fallen yet. Stay strong!  Darn, I really like those wish balloons, mental note- buy my girlfriend a wish balloon. Whoa, that was quick, he just said he’s never been happier. Sucka.

Ben date- seems like the front runner now, doesn’t seem too emotional like JP.  We already know from preview that she bangs him tonight! Threw in a Dumb and Dumber reference on the Vespa. nice job.  Speaking of Vespas….Ben’s hair totally reminds me of Princess Vespa’s from Spaceballs, anyone else?

Oh man, Ben’s tippytoeing around dropping L bombs. She’s totally in love with him, game over right?? He’s gotta be the winner. Whoa, he did NOT come home. What if he got her pregnant and she picked someone else, that would be awkward.

JP looks like he wants to shank Ben right now.

Groupdate wedding photos- Lucas is spot on about what a girl JP is.  JP is starting to look homicidal when he sees other dudes talk about or kiss Ashley. Pull it together buddy…you sure you work in contstruction…this is blowing all my stereotypes.

Ha, Lucas can’t hide his contempt for Asian culture. “I was in a dress.” I won $50 bucks because I bet my girlfriend he would say that!

Lucas feels pretty confident. Hmm. What the hell do I know. I’m calling Ames gets the rose. Oops I was wrong, she gave it JP. That was dumb of me. I knew JP needed it the worst. Also, he’s gonna win the whole thing, right?

Sidenote- Eveyrone agrees JP, Ben and Ames are too good for her right? Ryan and Constantine are her equals. Lucas is probably better than her too but in a Southern way that is too unfamiliar to me.

Ryan date- wow this is a surprise, she’s not feeling Ryan. I didn’t see that coming. They are equally annoying.  Wow, when she rejected Ryan, that look was priceless, his neck jolted back.  Wow, she fouled that up, he was the only real person I could have seen her with. Okay watching Ryan’s exit interview is just cruel, does he really have to do all of this just to collect a check from ABC? The crying, the lonely Taipei streetwalk. I hope he got Ames number before he left.

Okay, I’m calling it now, Lucas is going home. Yes, I got it right. But even Vegas wouldn’t take that action. Lucas will easily go home and find a much hotter girl in Texas.

I know this is probably a bit judgmental, but everytime I see a girl with a wrist tattoo of some script wording I think it’s covering up a suicide attempt, anyone else?

Cant wait to see if Constantine and Ben are taking her to the same house, how funny would that be?

Those are my straight guy thoughts for the Bachelorette week 7...can’t wait for hometown dates...especially if Constantine and Ben take her to the same home, thats gonna be hysterical.

Here are my live blogging straight guy thoughts from Week 5, I like it much better when I write as it's happening, that way I don't get to filter my thoughts, just like all the contestants!

Remember to play my drinking game, one shot for the mention of Bentley. 2 shots if she says "he's my guy" or "I can't get him out of mind".

I'm so psyched to find out who gets their asses kicked in muy thai. Hope ABC got them to sign that waiver. "Have you been hurt or injured in a dating show? Call me and I'll represent you.

I think the guys have turned me against Ryan. He is a goooober. Ames- you've proved you're the most worldly and intelligent guy here. Relax with the travel destination dropping.

Ben F or as I like to call him, Mini-Constantine, gets another 1 on 1, she's in love with him. She falls in love quick! I decided I dont like the person that does her eyebrows, there a little too thin and pronounced.

Which is the most overused phrase on this season of Bachelorette "its one of the coolest things I've ever seen in my life...or "I have never seen anything like that in my life" or "honestly this is one of the best days of my life".

How many cases of wine does Ben sell a year? I'm guess 17 tops. But I actually like him and respect that he didnt drop the dead father card until the appropriate time. Learn from this other contestants.

Ooh, William versus Ben C, neither have a shot in the end anyway, so its really a lose lose. My guess is that WIlliam goes home. Kudos to Ashley for keeping a phone salesman around longer than anyone in the history of dating shows has.

So pumped to find out who gets knocked the F*ck out. My guess would be Ryan.

Nick wow, you are ripped. All of them are ripped. Did they all train before they got on the show? I guess single guys stay in ridiculous shape. Thank god I have a gf.

This date is nutso. ABC is crazy for sanctioning this shit. I hope one of them gets their back broken like in Kickboxer the movie. Wow, JP just got rocked by Mickey. Ha, still laugh at that name. Wow, JP really made a comeback, that was a shocker.

Ames is definitely going down. No doubt. Ryan is a wuss too though. Luckily he didnt get someone else to. Okay, now I'm just feeling bad for Ames. He is looking bad.

Nick/Constantine, im excited. Im calling Nick. Now I'm scared about Ames. Damn, we didnt get to watch that fight. Sheesh, Ames got a concussion probably. Oh man. He should sue ABC's ass! Thai hospital...no thanks, fly me the f*&k back to my fancy NYC apartment and my cushy Wall Street job.

Having drinks with these guys while Ames in missing at a hospital, Ashley you are the absolute worst. you obviously dont care about him. If Bentley got a hangnail during a fight you would have been holding his hand at the Thai orthopedist.

Ames is back. Great to see him. Too bad he has major brain damage, he crunches numbers for a living, I'm selling my stock in the hedge fund he works form. He shouldn't have pretended to be a straight man, there was really no fooling anyone.

Wow, Lucas dropped the Bentley bomb, her face tells the story, she still digs him. I just did two shots. Shit, I am getting wasted.

I see a Blake Ashley dentist office. This could be a good business development. Unfortunately, he is also clearly gay, that could be a problem in the romance department, but business could be booming!

William trying to get really underhanded. Is he lying about Ben using a dating website? That's really pathetic. I think he's lying. William, you are such a chump. You should focus on yourself and Ashley. Lame move. You just blew up the whole date. Wow, that chump move that William pulled worked! Ha, bad joke you made Ben. Calling all yall, its the Sabooootage. Ashley has no feelings for William, whatsoever. He did not see that coming at all. Hope he can get his gig back at Verizon, I'd be so upset if they outsourced it. Wow, this is hitting him hard. "I leave here, I go back to nothing." True words, Wiliam. Has there ever been a post Bachelorette rejection suicide attempt. I really hope not, just saying William really, really doesnt look good.

ABC producer who told Ashley to throw the Rose in the fire, you get a $50 bonus!

Jesus, Ashley is so bad at hiding sad face. I mean she wears all her emotions on her face. It's really depressing to look at her face. This is why Ashley shouldn't have been the Bachelorette, she is horribly insecure.

Wow, I'm gettting wasted, she said Bentley again. Someone call my sponsor! Not again. I just threw up in my sink. Please stop saying Bentley. Please Ashley, my BAC is over the legal limit. Ugh, again. Why are you doing this to me????

Chris Harrison is back. Oh man, I'm too wasted to know if I'm hearing her? Did she say Bentley? I'm gonna pretend I didnt hear that one. I'm gonna start drinking Peach Snapps, this tequila is toooo much.  Ashley is the biggest disgrace I have ever seen in my entire life. I really hate her so much and I feel bad for all of these guys. If they heard this convo, they all would have been on the first train over the River Kwai.

Nick doesnt get a Rose, he'll be fine, he's got great abs, there are girls that love abs. I will hire you as my trainer if it makes you feel better. My abs needs a lot of work.

Really uneventful week for the Bachelorette, kinda down on the show. Here are my straight guy thoughts from week 4.

Constantine and Ben, still cant really tell them apart. Constantine is getting a weird friend vibe from her.  He has no shot at going far. They had bad physical chemistry on that couch thing while they were eating. Zero contact. Bad sign.

I think someone should invent a drinking game. Every time Ashley mentions Bentley, do a shot. If she says “he’s my guy” do 2 shots. I think you should be able to get wasted every episode until the end.

Ben the wine guy has somehow jumped out in front during the orphanage thing.

Yick, how many guys are you gonna make out with Ashley. It’s really gross. You’re not on Spring Break.

Date with Ames, boring. He's a sweet, smart, geniune guy...and if he were straight and had a normal sized forehead, he'd be the next bachelor.

Ryan is the outcast, this is the difference between guys and girls. Guys are not quite as mean to the outcast. If they were girls, Jeff, William and Ryan would have been destroyed.

Note to Lucas the oilman: calling someone a goober makes you a goober. Whatever a goober is.  I’m sure in Texas, it’s really bad to be called a goober, but in the rest of the country, you’re the goober! Gooooooober. Also, Ryan. he's a goober too.

West- I feel bad for you buddy. Ashley pulled the dead wife card back on you. You tried to use it to guilt her into feeling something for you and now she used it as an excuse to get out of giving you a rose…Also, your face gets really red when your upset.  That always cracks me up. I read on some blog that his wife was in rehab and then she cleaned herself up and then he took her out drinking and then she drowned in her tub. Her mom blames West. Yikes. He should date Michelle Money.

Overall, a weak episode, BUT if Bentley comes back next week, I’ll be so pumped for more Ashley emotional destruction. She definitely deserves it.

My straight guy thoughts on Bachelorette Week 3:

BTW, there will be lots of contradictions in this blog, because I'm doing it in real time and I feel that it would be cheating to go back and correct my thoughts!

Ha, I still cant get over hearing a grown man get called Mickey..even though I like that dude.

Again, I have to admit I dig that all the guys get to learn how to dance. Every guy secretly wants dance lessons.

I like Ben the lawyer, he seems genuine and I think he and Ashley are equals.  She shouldn’t want anyone better than him…in real life she wouldn’t be able to do better. Maybe one of the better guys on the Bachelorette will end up with her, but my gut tells me they would make the best couple. He has a bit of that wussy Canadian thing going on, but shes from Maine or some weird French Canadian quarter of our country that I didn’t know existed, so why doest she does send everyone else home and call it a day.

That’s the thing, if you really met someone awesome, you would know before the entire process was over, would you keep going on 30 dates with other guys if you knew?

Roast was the stupidest idea they have ever come up with when they know that they are dealing with a massively insecure bachelorette and a bunch of dumb guys. Jeff Ross must have absolutely been loving it though. Love him.

Pet Peeve- Why does everyone use the word literally when they don’t mean literally. Ben,”I literally wanna blow the roof off? “

The former asshole side of me is starting to like Bentley. I hate myself for feeling that way, but I mean, come on, the whole thing is a joke anyway, none of these couples ever end up working out, so what the hell, have a good time, try to get laid.

Uh oh, Ashley already told Ben things she loves about him…everyone knows that’s a phrase a girl uses before she actually tells him she loves him.

Love the organ music for Maskie, give that producer a raise. The removal was obviously anti-climactic, I was hoping for genetic mutation or acid burns. Boo.  Tattoo of Ashley on his head would have been amazing.

Ames forehead should have it’s own zip code.

Roasting scene, oh man. Stroke of TV genius.

Lucas- eh

Ryan- eh

Ames- a little creativity

Blake Dentist guy- good job

Jeff- at least hes got balls, and that’s the an area she probably wont be too upset about.

Nick- same small boob jokes, acceptable and safe.

Ben- eh

Womacks leftovers- ballsy good joke.

Bentley did a better structured version of boob joke, then followed it w a compliment, good job.

William- wow, call your Verizon store, your gonna need your job back, asap. I guess college does teach you some stuff.

I just won 10k from betting she would cry at Roast, yay.

Bentley is such a huge loser. “I love the way he thinks.” “He doesn’t have an agenda.” Ashley is such a fool, this is classic tv.

Bentley’s 24 out of 25 guys line is really amazing. I hate him one minute, think he’s an evil genius the next. He’s messing with my emotions. The forces of good an evil are waging a war inside me right now.

William “can you hear me now?”

Ashley (dead silence)

I’m sure William will find a nice girl in the mall who sells phone sleeves.

In fairness, probably 21 out of the 25 guys would have preferred Emily, the other 4 would have wanted Shantal.

Poor Ashley, she is totally checked out, you can see it in the eyes.

Ryan, always liked him, convinced he will be one of the finalist. Man did he basically just crash the boards like Dennis Rodman. If they were at a bar, he would have gotten rebound sex.

Does anyone else agree that Bentley has what I call “uninteresting guy tone”…most good looking guys with nothing to say speak in the same cadence as Bentley. They figured out that women are fooled by it, the guy talks in a low voice and trails off. If an ugly guy said the same thing in that cadence you would think he was massively shy or insecure, but for some reason it works for studly boring men. Start picking up on it girls. One day maybe you will no longer be duped by the Bentleys of the world.

Wow, Michelle Money got mixed up in this. RUN! PSYCHO ALERT. If she knows Bentley, he’s realllllly bad news. BTW- Ashley just called Michelle Money a “friend.” I already didn’t have a high opinion of Ashley, but if I did, that would have destroyed it. If you’re a grown up and you are “friends” with someone like Michelle Money, I don’t wanna know you. Sorry, but as a grown up, you are who you associate with.

I’m still miffed: If Bentley is only here to promote his business, why isn’t he “promoting” it. I mean at least Wes and that wrestler guy were pimping out their shit. I have no clue what Bentley’s business is. The only way this makes sense is if his business is tricking girls into liking you. Is that a business?

Ashley trying to get Bentley is so sad. Youre the Bachelorette, they are supposed to try to win you over. This is like a sad rom-com where the loser high-school girl tries to win over the good looking jock that never noticed her. Every girl in America should be cringing at this.

Then she gives the rose to Ryan and you start thinking maybe Ashley does see through Bentley, its like watching a girl’s inner battles play out. I love this show.

Ashley just said “She completely fell in love with Bentley last night, there’s something about him that’s so sincere. I just know that he’s my guy. If it was up to me, I would just grab Bentley and move to Salt Lake City” Every girl who has ever been duped by a Bentley is probably cringing so hard and throwing shit at the screen like they are at a movie theater in the ghetto. “Run girl, don’t you know he’s gonna crush you!”

I hate Ashley’s guts right now. She makes me so sick. So many solid guys that are actually into her. I don’t know what will happen, but whatever guy proposes to her is never gonna be able to get over watching that scene. Ever. I promise you.

Bentley, you deserve some sort of criminally negligent father award. Also, Karma is gonna be hard on your daughter when she grows up and has dealings with the Bentley’s of the world.

“Im gonna make Ashley cry, but I hope my hair looks okay.” Classic- the scumbag in me is laughing hard. What a POS. That’s short for piece of shit.  I really hope this guy gets in a car accident on the drive back or slams into a tree on his first snowboarding trip back. Not really sure what he thinks he proved.

Burn in hell for using your daughter as an excuse for anything.

Every girl who ever utters the phrase “I always choose the wrong guy” please, please, please watch and LEARN from this.

“Ashley is a girl I’m not totally smitten with, but I could totally hook up with now and then.”  The sad thing is, he’s just telling the truth. If this were the real world, that’s what their relationship would be like.

Question- is Bentley even THAT good looking? My girlfriend says he’s not.

I have no idea if he is, I just assumed he was because Ashley treated him like he was and he doesn’t have any other good qualities.

Were my instincts wrong? Hmm, lets me take a shot in the dark and say yes. You have some of the worst instincts I have ever seen.

Right now, I feel like Ashley doesn’t deserve some of these guys. JP is way too good for her.  I like JP a lot. Hope he does better than Ashley in life.

Chris Harrison, thank god you are the voice of reason. I know you wanna say “I told you so” so badly.  You told her the truth, a guy wants to stay, he stays. If he likes you he will SHOW IT. Chris, you handled that very well in giving Ashley a tiny insight into men because she has NONE!!!!!  A girl with zero insight into men has no business being the Bachelorette. I feel bad for Ashley because it’s just so dangerous for such an emotionally fragile and immature person to be put in these situations. She looks suicidial in her eyes right now. I keep having mixed emotions. God these show messes with you. I feel really sorry for Ashley. Ever word out of her mouth makes me cringe.

Rose Ceremony: She kept William, not that surprising since there are still a few chumps to get rid of first. Plus, she falls in love with every guy she goes on a date with. Poor Maskie. Nice touch by the producers telling him to throw the mask in the fire.

Random thoughts on Week 2 of the Bachelorette from a straight guy:

Ashley taking William to the chapel was such an obnoxious move, no guys wants that shit.  Wasn’t funny or cool. Who does that to a poor cell phone salesman.

Who is the stylist for the bachelorette, Ashley falls way short of the hotness threshold for wearing bangs. Do women not know that there is a hotness threshold. Zoey Deschanel meets it, Ashley the dentist does not.

“These are the famous Bellagio fountains.” Wow, this is why Americans are a disgrace. I wonder if Ashley knows that the Bellagio hotel is based on a real place in Italy. Does she think New York, New York is just a city in Las Vegas. Surely, the  history behind Venetian and Ceasars Palace would blow her mind.

“I bring communication to people.”- William, that’s one way to say “I sell cell phones.”

Aww, William, dead parents, not first date convo, read Emily Post.

The whole guys learned how to dance with that dance crew was pretty cool, have to admit, I’d be into that.

Ohh jessus, West also went with the dead wife spiel, also not an Emily Post reader. How many of these guys have sob stories this year, seems like a lot.

Once again, Ashley begging Bentley to stay just makes a mockery out of women pretending they don’t all like good looking assholes.

Add Mickey to the list…dead mother reference. Does no one read Emily Post?

Btw, No grown man should call himself Mickey. Can’t take him seriously. Can you imagine going to a doctor named Mickey? Umm, is there another doctor in this office that I can see with a grown up name? I’ll settle for Donald?

I wanna see a guy go on the Bachelorette and make up a story about how everyone in his family died in a plane crash just to see if he would advance. I bet he makes the finals.  Is the goal to get a pity marriage?? I just figured that out.

Wait a minute,  Mask guy had a brain hemmorage and got divorced. Doesn’t really explain the mask, then almost takes it off. Damn, I really wanna see his facial disfiguration. They are really dragging this whole Rocky Dennis thing out.

I swear the casting call for the bachelorette this season must have started with “Have you or someone you know lost someone close to them?”

I thought the goal in life was to trick someone into liking you and then unloading all your baggage, am I crazy? I’ve been dating my girlfriend 8 months and she’s nowhere near getting to meet my crazy father.

Anyway, the rose ceremony was blah, expect Rock Dennis sticking around one more week, that was exciting. Nice job producers on demanding that Rocky and Bentley stick around.

Yes, that's right. I am a straight guy and I'm not embarrassed to admit I'm obsessed with the TV franchise the Bachelorette. Actually, I'm more obsessed with the Bachelor, because there always seems to be more raw emotion when it's 25 crazy girls. But since the Bachelorette airs over the summer, I decided to put my love to good use and start a blog about it.

Each year it seems like the Bachelor/Bachelorette becomes less and less of a catch. For the guys, they started with successful millionaires, now they just pick ripped bartender single dads...For the girls, I dont really understand the logic, dont they know guys are shallow we want a super hot Bachelorette. Picking Ashley should result in some great TV, because she is massively insecure, not all that attractive and kind of annoying. They tried to make it out like Brad didnt pick her because she screwed everything up. He was picking Emily from day 1 because she was much hotter. It's gonna be awesome to see how many guys fake being into her to advance their fledgling reality TV careers.  So far after watching the first episode, I had a few initial thoughts.

- Obvious frontrunners- Ryan, the solar power guy, and Ben, the French Lawyer. I see one of them being the winner. And I actually liked these guys.

Bentley- Kinda weird that Chris Harrison wasn't more pissed or didnt decide to kick that guy off the show when Ashley told him he was there to promote his business. But in typical girl fashion, she lies to herself, rejects her friends advice, and decides to trust her own instincts. Sorry Ashley, you're making a fool of yourself saying things like "I hope he's not hot."Anyway, Bentley, I'm not really sure how people are gonna watch this and be like, "yup, there's a guy I wanna do business with."

Ames- less good looking version of Christian Bale, I've never liked super intense Wall Street guys and I never will, they're all creeps. He does seem nice though, but who the hell runs for 28 hours straight unless you're a sociopath.

- Drunk Tim- they should have sent him straight to the Intervention show production facilities. I always wondered what the guys get to drink. Is it really smart to have scotch in the house? Shouldnt they just limit it to wine and beer to avoid situations like that? I thought I read somewhere the producers dont let them have more than 3 drinks?

- Mask guy - would have thought for sure Ashley would have kicked him out just for the sheer weirdness. yes, we get it, the world shouldn't be so shallow, but it is, and Ashley is, she thinks she's making herself look good to America, she's not.

William- the guy who does all the voices- he'll probably go far, but there's no hiding "Verizon guy" in job titles. That used to be the old girl trick on the bachelor. "Aesthetic techician" was code for "hair dresser". I think they tried to dress his up a bit to say "Cellular Telephone representative." I give him credit for not dancing around that one.

Wine guy- he was blah. there was another dude in the house that looked exactly like him. 1995 called they wanted their middle part floppy hairdo back.

JP- construction guy- seemed solid, she's not gonna go for a construction guy though.

The guy who cried was awesome, those tears took a long time, there was definitely use of a tear stick.

Hard to joke around when our country is being pillaged by the rich. Absolutely pillaged. http://www.truthout.org/forget-rich-tax-poor-and-middle-class/1305035795