Matt Ritter’s Straight Guy Bachelorette Blog.Finale. Wow, I can’t believe the summer has gone so fast, so much heartbreak, so much love, some lust…but mostly humiliation for these clowns. And for me, a really rewarding journey into blogging. Thanks mostly to my loyal readers who have sprung up all over the country, I landed a job blogging about the Bachelor Pad for this really awesome pop culture site called Crushable.com. I hope you will check out my stuff, starting next week, I promise to keep you laughing. Thanks again for reading. Here we go.
As we all know JP and Ashley are 100% ending up together so it takes a little fun out of it, but I’ll do what I can. Here’s a brief recap of Men Tell All Highlights. Why is Tim here, gotta be so boring for him to sit through this whole thing. He needs a drink so badly, I see his hands shaking. His speech is so thlurred.
Everyone hates Ryan. Camp counselor line pretty much hit the nail on the head.
William is definitely not gonna be making it as a standup comic. But he could be the funniest guy at the Verizon store, so that’s something. He doesn’t understand the meaning of the phrase “pulling punches”, he thinks it means the exact opposite of what it really means. Hilarious.
Ryan - I love how Ryan and Bentley were both her “perfect guy”. They couldn’t be more different. That’s like saying my perfect pet is chihauhua but also a condor. Wow, Ryan read books about what questions to ask. And he keeps a journal. Still shouldn’t be the Bachelor. Nice try, sucka.
Ames- ok, America has spoken, you are the next Bachelor. I guess you are fooling more women. Love watching him run.
Bentley getting called genuine is so priceless. Shouldn’t child custody have stepped in after watching this show. “Yeah, I’m leaving my daughter for 2 months so I can mess with some girl on a game show”. Seriously, one of the dudes should just man up and knock that dude out right now. That’s so messed up that Chris couldn’t get him to show up. Worst contract loophole ever. Ha great outtakes of girls in crowd snickering at “we all go for the bad boy.”
Why did Ashley dye her hair?
Ryan, you are not gonna be the Bachelorette! Stop it. If Ryan ends up as the Bachelorette, I quit. It’s him or me Harrison!
Ali doesn’t look so hot, gums are weird, Jason’s hairline needs some propecia, Deanna just looks hot.
Onto the Finale: Who’s it gonna be? Everyone in the country except 1 guy knows it’s gonna be JP. Unfortunately that guy is El Vino. (that’s my new nickname for him, do we like it?) JP is the biggest favorite since Secretariat.
Wow, her sister is a tattooed dirtball, and I mean that in the nicest way. Hilarious that she will seek her advice. That makes sense. Her brother sweating and using a towel, jeez, your in your 20s, save the fatty towel sweating for your 50s. Wow, her parents are kinda trashy. Actually real trashbags, but I’m trying to be diplomatic. JP is such a whiny baby, can’t wait to see him not mesh with her tough as nails biker sister. I’d be scared if I were him. Wow, mom already gave blessing to JP, that should be it then right?
Wrong! Chrystal- asking the tough questions. Wow, JP doesn’t make her laugh, not surprising since he spends most of his time in a jealous rage or crying. Ha, Crystal – “you’re too much for him. He’s older and demure, you’re young and too much for him.” Translation, were a bunch of trashbags from middle of nowhere and he’s a nice Long Island Jew boy.
FYI- I always go to my tattoo artist for any important life decisions. Other than tattoos, I would never go to him for that because I know what a bad idea those are. Poor JP wasn’t picturing this family at all.
I’m sooooo attracted to Chrystal. I would possibly get a tattoo of her. Note – I am deliberately misspelling her name because every girl named Cristal spells it differently and I find that annoying.
Cant’ believe that got Rober Iler to play the part of Ashley’s younger brother. (aka Anthony Soprano Jr) On second thought, he’s more like a young Will Hunting, without the special math abilities.
I love Chrystal’s directness: What is it about Ashley that you see that makes you think you could propose. Just answer this question correctly and you get her acceptance. JP: Um, she makes me smile, we have a chemistry, I can’t explain it in words. That’s your answer. Can’t list one positive attribute? That’s a problem buddy. Wow, she pulled the old man card on him. He’s 34, not 50? Jeez, how young is Ashley, she looks mid-to-late 30s. Wow, Chrystal point blank said she wouldn’t be happy if JP proposed. She may be a psycho on the outside, but she calls them like she sees them. JP is a snoozefest. This just got ugly. Ashley just said her family’s opinion made her rethink things. Poor JP, he’s back on suicide watch which he apparently was on from his ex-girlfriend.
How much did Chris Harrison pay Chrystal to give JP a hard time? How much child support did Harrison give her? Enough to put her kids through technical school?
Chrissie is so hard on Ashley. It’s because the parents love Ashley more. Classic older sister/younger sister stuff.
Christal basically agrees with my views on Ashley, I think Im in love with her. I’d love for her to get a tattoo of me next to that Asian lady on her left arm.
Ben- ok, comes in does a few dog voices, they basically cued him in to acting goofy. You can see Chrystal likes him better..but hated that his mom is like Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart is Chrissie’s mortal enemy. Christal asks Ben the same question, he answers it slightly better. Still 2 guys get asked to name a good quality about Ashley, still 0 good qualities list. Hold your horses Krystle “I’ve been married and I’ve been divorced” NO WAY. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. ANYONE BUT KRISTAL (CAPS=SARCASM)
How much did Chris Harrison pay Crissie to be super nice to Ben to keep us watching the last hour? Did he pay off all her credit card debt? Did he buy her a tattoo parlor? Did he have her ex-husband killed? We need to know these things.
Wow, Ben really thought she was gonna marry him. Or was it a ploy to lock up the next Bachelor gig? You never know these days. Still hate Ben’s deep V-necks and all guys who wear them. He’s in love and this is the best he’s ever felt about a woman….until next season on the Bachelor! Ben dropping L bombs is just painful. Him telling her about asking her families permission and her doing the bad poker face should have clued him in to walk away. Looks like she smelled poop. Ben and her making out and him saying he’s not gonna sleep tonight means they boned right? Didn’t they already bone once.
Ashley wears great bras, her boobies look spectacular. How am I just now noticing that insane vein on JP’s head. I would never shave my head if I had a huge artery running through it.
I think the best part of this show is right now when they both realize how dumb it is to get married to someone they know nothing about, have never discussed how their life will work together…and yet they do it anyway.
Damn, JP broke out the framed photo album. I didn’t know you were allowed to go to Kinkos in Fiji. If Ben knew that he would probably done that too right?
I’m so torn, I like Ben, but I mean, I absolutely have to root for the neurotic, insecure Jew from Long Island.
Hahaaha, Ashley keeps a journal. Oops, why am I laughing. I keep a journal.
We have a relationship built on this unspoken attraction, just this romance. Hmm, that should be enough to get you through 2-3 months. So weird that she’s gonna chose JP when everything she says about Ben is what someone would say about their husband and everything she says about JP is what you would say about a guy you dated in high school for a few months. Oh, right, she’s a horrible decision maker, almost forgot.
Love it when the diamond guy acts like he gives a shit. Wonder how many Africans were slaughtered over that one. Why is Neil Lane trying to get in JP’s head. Is Harrison giving him a script. “JP’s the insecure one, fuck with him a little.”
I always wondered where on the island the guy’s stay. Are they in same villa. That’s gotta be so weird. Is anyone else even on the island?
Of course it’s Ben up first. Can’t wait to see him cry. Aww, seriously, that makes me tear up when he talks about losing his dad and then gaining Ashley. Because we all know he’s not. Wow, so weirdly anticlimactic. That proposal was awful and rushed and she sorta tried to stop him. Shouldn’t have let him propose, but of course she needs the affirmation. But neither of them seem that upset. Honestly. I like his parting lines “Good things don’t end unless they end badly” and I’m sure you guys will have a nice life together. At least he left with his dignity.
How much time you think it took her to get over Ben. 5-6 minutes tops. Ashley is such a fraud. We all know what real pain looks like and that’s not it.
JP- still cant believe he can’t list one positive attribute about her but proposed. This is so unshocking. I’m so bored by them. But I love how all of the sudden she immediately started calling him baby.
After the Final Rose: Can’t wait for Ben to stick it to Ashley. Not loving the flat hair, bad choice to not use curl enhancing conditioner this morning.
What the hell, Ashley has hair extensions? She can’t even look him in the eye. He was too nice to her.
Sidenote- These women in the crowd are dirty!
Ashley calling JP a great kisser just proves what a child she is. Who talks about their fiancée like that.
Hahahahah, Chris Harrison asked JP what he loved about her. Again, he speaks in ambiguity, can’t pinpoint one thing, one single quality he loves about her. This is truly sad and pathetic. I wish them a very happy 4-6 months together. Well at least the feeling is mutual, she also is at a loss for words when coming up with one single quality about JP. Anyone in a healthy loving relationship can come up with 20 qualities off the top of their head that they love about their partner.
JP on Ashley’s sister- in my mind I pictured something different. Yeah, you pictured a nice normal Jewish girl. She admits she was totally wrong and invites him to Christmas with the kids. Ashley reminds everyone including JP that he’s a Jew. Uh oh, should we have discussed religious stuff, nah, it will work itself out, because it always does right? Such a boring ending. Such a lame couple. But hey we had some laughs. Please check out my Bachelor Pad blog on Crushable.com and as always follow me on Twitter here. Thanks again for reading.













