TRENDHUNTER

I often marvel at the duality of man – the raw, animalistic nature, and the enlightened dreamer.  We humans are sway to the most primal urges – hedonistic beasts, fucking and fighting, killing and dancing, seeking out all vices to slake our thirsts.  But humans have also risen above nature, we are able to put aside the animal for the godly, to swim against the current and to create whatever we can dream.  Humans drink and swear and rage, but they also think and write and build.  As a species we have become gods, impacting the planet earth on a geological scale – we manually move more soil, sand and rock in a year than all of the natural processes of erosion. Through industry humans have changed the composition of our atmosphere, we have terraformed in the most literal sense.  We have achieved this status above nature, but still be so tethered to our most natural instincts, our most hedonistic pursuits.  Indeed, more often than not our rise to the status of gods of this planet and the void beyond has been achieved because of our most innate nature. So much has been created in the name of love and sex and war and power, man’s lizard brain driving the higher intelligence in the direction of pure pleasure.  Truly, this duality is no more obvious than in an event that takes place in Cape Town, South Africa on the 25th of March in the year 2017 CE, an event called CAPE VAPE 2017.

 Cape Vape 2017, let those words wash over you. The phrase “Cellar Door” has been posited as one of the most beautiful phrases in the English Language, it’s admirers include noted phonaesthetes Edgar Allan Poe, Drew Barrymore in Donnie Darko, and huge nerd J.R.R Tolkien.  But, due to the cruelty of temporality, Poe and Tolkien were never exposed to the pure euphony of the phrase “Cape Vape”.  Surely, if they lived today, they would denounce the cellar door, a phrase that has been hijacked by callow wine peddlers, and embrace the beauty of Cape Vape.  Indeed, I have no doubt that amongst all literature creations there is none who is more likely to be a vaper if they were written in 2017 than Tolkien’s Gandalf the Grey. Vaping is wizardry, and on March 25, the Cape Town International Convention Centre will become Hogwarts!  The vape rig is truly a science indistinguishable from magic – the power of a tiny machine to turn liquids into pungent nicotine clouds, to render unto its bearer the power to control the weather in his personal space, by spewing forth from this wand and his lungs great fluffy clouds! Awaiting the Cape Vape 2017 gives me a feeling that I am sure many felt during the construction of the Eifel Tower for the centennial celebration of the French Revolution.  Many Parisians hated the tower, they thought it a blight on the Paris skyline, an affront to the revolution, a skeletal paean to the fallen King and his cake loving bride.  But History is on the side of the tower – it now stands as one of the most recognized landmarks in the world, a tribute to western industrialization, a metal phallus piercing the sky as if to decry the gods, and celebrate what man can achieve! And so it is with vaping – there are many who decry it as pretentious or gaudy, an overly complicated travesty, removing man from nature of smoking, removing the very smoke, sanitizing the personal act of containing the fire stolen from the gods.  But these haters will be on the wrong side of history, and Cape Vape 2017 will stand as a memorial to the visionaries, those who have harnessed the such power that they have become Prometheus 2.0, stealing fire back from man, changing its essence and allowing humans to smoke with water instead of fire!  Is that not alchemy?  Are these vapers not bending the natural laws, conquering fire as men conquered gravity to leave the earth for space? Is vaping not truly the successor of the French Revolution, allowing, as it does, the freedom from tar and smoke, the monarchial oppressors of the ordinary man’s lungs?

 Or perhaps attending Cape Vape 2017 will be like attending the opening of the Crystal Palace in London’s Hyde Park in 1851.  That was the world’s largest glass structure, at a time when glass windows were rare and the world was seldom glimpsed through anything but ones own eyes.   Throngs of Londoners flocked to the Great Exhibition and marveled at this structure, unaware of how it would herald a new age of glass that would lead to reflective skyscrapers and a world where ever human sees through glass of some kind into a digital world, vaster than anyone in 1851 could have ever imagined.  The people were stunned, but imagine how they would feel if they were transported through time to the CTICC on March 25, 2017, to bear witness to Cape Vape 2017!  They would initially marvel at the nature of the Convention Centre itself sure, it is a grand structure of glass and mortar. But soon they would be more overwhelmed by the groups of people tugging on small boxes, strange lights glowing from these contraptions and then the vast clouds of scented cotton – the glorious billows of beautiful, clean smoke, flavored in ways that they would never have experienced!  This would be too much for someone of 1851, and it might be too much in 2017, for the world is not always ready to embrace the future willingly.

 My own love affair with vaping began in the January of 2016, but has largely been unconsummated.  I do not partake of the vape, but I do love it.  In that bold January, in the high spirits of summer, with cocaine coursing through my nostrils, I penned a series of Vape Jingles, and I consider them my legacy. The idea was simple, as most great ideas are.  I transmuted many popular songs with the word “take” into anthems of billowing clouds of scented vapor!  “Vape on Me “I sang “ Vape me oooon”.  “Vape my breath away”, “Vape Me Down to the Paradise City, where the Vape is pure and the vapers pretty”, “Vape me out!”.  But now is my time to join those that are braver than I, the vapers!  I will try to curry favor with them, hoping that my jingles move them enough for them to hire me to advertise for their vape stores – “Foggy’s Vape Lounge”, “Vape Empire”, “Darth Vaper”, “Vapal Infallibility”, whatever they are called.  I will move among these futurists, enthralled by the technology on show.  For I am certain that the technology at Cape Vape 2017 will be beyond anything I could imagine here!  There will be vape rigs so sleek and matt and black that they could only be created by the military and its stealth departments. There will be retro vape rigs, with copper tubes and glass alembics; there will be curved blades of chrome and neon, the future on display; there will be corporate vapes made by Apple or Samsung; and there will be homemade rigs, clunky and steam powered, or made of repurposed lawnmover parts with two-stroke engines! And Cape Vape will also lure the tinkerers and alchemist that have devoted their skills to making craft beers, or honing their craft in the laboratories of the Cape coffee shops, perfecting the Flat White – the only beverage name that perfectly describes its average drinker, apart from the energy drink Monster.  These flavor wizards will set up shop creating artisanal vape liquid, selling butterscotch smoke, or blueberry cheesecake, or nougat, or roast beef!  They are the Willy Wonker’s of 2017, the mad scientists, called crazy at the academy, but now free to find the forbidden taste.  Some will mix in vodka, some crystal meth, some will work in absinthe and laudanum to make lazy green smoke!  This is truly the frontier of science!

   And I will move through the CTICC, and I will be moving with the current towards a bright, shining future.  I will survey the landscape, not knowing what I will find.  Will everyone be wearing fedoras?  Manchester United Shirts?  Who is the average vaper?  Mom’s in a hurry? Coders who don’t want to leave the building lest someone swipe their start up idea from underneath them?  Who are the celebrity South African vapers?  I can imagine Bobby Skinstad vaping, and that girl from Top Billing.  Danny K definitely vapes, Steve Hofmeyer I am not so sure.  I am sure Nathaniel will be there, touting Checker’s Boerewors flavored smoke.  I don’t know whoI will find in the clouds of Cape Vape 2017, like the greek gods in the clouds above Mt Olympus. I don’t know what I will find there, amongst the fog. But like Jane Goodall or Dian Fossey I will venture into the mist, I will risk being cast aside by my friends who do not understand the way of the vape. I will risk personal danger and nicotine addiction, because I want to be able to say “I was there!  I was at Cape Vape 2017!  I was there to witness the future being born”.

In trying to expand my media empire into music journalism I have been looking for fresh new takes on the typical music article.  I am throwing a lot at the wall, tying to see what sticks.  I realized I very seldom listen to the music that is charting, the popular music on the radio or the internet, and seldom dip my toe into new music. So I thought I would do an experiment, try to get ahead of the curve, and do some first listens.  My poorly thought out methodology was to go to the “New Releases” tab on my streaming service (Google Play Music) and pick 5 songs from bands I recognize but don’t really know their songs and wouldn’t seek out on my own – also Bush, just to see how time has treated them.  I figured this would help expand my musical horizon slightly, and would lead up to me picking 5 songs that I have just never even heard of.  So, on Friday 17 March 2017 I fired up the following 5 songs:

Pitbull - Green Light https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7xbhKIiw4Y

Alt-J - 3WW https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDUUOt30TGA

Bush - Ravens

James Blunt - Bartender https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAyjgG0-Deg

Ed Sheeran - Shape of You https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dK2tDK9grQ

Let me just say firstly that this was a terrible idea. It’s over now, the experiment is dead. It wasn’t worth it.  In order to see why, here are my thoughts from first listen Pitbull – I am sure I must have heard a Pitbull song, but I couldn’t tell you which one.  I recognize Pitbull too, but only because he looks like The Rock and Billy Corgan used the “The Fly”’s teleporter together. His new album is called Climate Change and that sounds dope to me, because I doubt very much that it is a eco-disaster concept album [edit: turns out the ‘Bull has been on this trend for a while with albums called Global Warming and Globalization. Turns out dude is basically Naomi Klein).  I have opted for the 2nd single Green Light, because that features Flo Rida, and I am sure it is about  the effect of light on photosynthesis and the inevitable effect of rising seas on the state of Florida.  OK I was wrong, the green light is just the excuse for P-Bull and Mr Rida to get fuckin turnt in the club -“Red Light, Green Light, everybody take a shot!”. This is generic party music, this is the least memorable song in the world, but I suppose if I heard this in the background of some hedonistic event to drown out the dark last days of humanity I wouldn’t ask the DJ to change it. No thanks though. 5/10, pure true neutral.

Alt-J 3WW – These guys I know, they were big for a while and even came to South Africa to deliver the mildest concert I have ever attended. I love chilled music, I am very into ambient, Brian Eno is a hero of mine.  But this song is ambient music for people who think Stars of the Lid need to reign it in a bit and chill out.  This song will be soundtracking a small sleep I have later today.  As a note, any story that’s opening line is “there was a wayward lad” is not a story I want to hear.  This song sound like sleepy Ennio Morricone scoring Eat Pray Love.  Ok, when the lady vocals kick in it kicks up a notch to “light coma” energy levels.  “I just want to love you in my own language” – ah here we go, this track is actually self help to save your marriage!  I don’t remember one of the five love languages being “Roofies in Your Chamomile” though . The upcoming album is apparently called “Relaxer” which is instructive.  Nah. 5/10, bland paste. 

Bush – I liked a Bush song or 2 in the 90s, when they were mainstream Nirvana for all the Nirvana fans Kurt Cobain hated.  These guys were slick and catchy and the dude married Gwen Steffani and I thought he quit music to bang out his days and live large on those Don’t Speak royalties.  But now google tells me he has divorced Gwen (google also offers some interesting insights??) and he’s got a new Bush album, something I am sure at least 15 people have been clamouring for!  I am sure this album will find him a more mature songwriter with interesting stories to tell!  Oh, the album is called “Black and White Rainbows”, nevermind, this is gonna be some dumb shit.  I have chosen the song Ravens, because Ravens are sweet and goth af. Wow, it’s as if no time has passed for Bush, but so much has happened to us, and I can no longer tolerate this shit.  It’s anthemic rock, I get it, its fine, Rossdale’s voice is still good, the song builds nicely and is catchy, but fuck his lyrics are so stupid, so so stupid “the kisses will end”.  Turns out Rossdale has spent the last decade huffing petrol because his poetry level has dropped from its embarrassing teenager levels in the 90s to sugar high 7 year old who learned about love from Scooby Doo episodes. 5/10, this exists. 

I like sports.  Phew, that feels good to say.  At 32 years old I can finally admit it to myself, and to you all – I think sports is good, and I like ‘em.  I have been filled with doubt about sport my entire life!  I love watching it, I love supporting my teams, I get damn emotional about it! But I know it’s silly and tribalistic and I don’t want to be a jock, but hell, I’m an adult now, I don’t have anything to prove! One problem I find as an adult sports fan in South Africa, is that a lot of sports writing is garbage!  I mean, it summarizes the results of sporting events, but it is mostly just reporting, there is seldom room for opinion, deep analysis and humor! There are exceptions of course, but by and large it’s a bit dull.  Another major issue is that most of the comment sections of sports sites are trash. Just real stinky trash.  Just a garbage fire of racism, anger, insults, machismo and pointless grandstanding. I have concluded that if I want decent sports writing, I’m going to have to write it MYSELF!

 Let’s start with cricket, because this is my premium bae, my bottom bitch if you will.  If you don’t love cricket I really feel sorry for you, because you are missing something beautiful and pure. Do yourself a favor and watch the documentary ‘Fire in Babylon’, which is basically ‘Cool Runnings’, but for cricket.  It’s got all the good good Caribbean accents, it’s got political and social subtext, it’s got underdogs, and it’s got glorious victory.   Anyway, back to the current day and South Africa are about to start their second test match against New Zealand after the first game was a rain affected draw. That was a cracker of a game until New Zealand ruined it by being an arctic country prone to endless rain and sleet and lord of the rings related disasters.  The teams were pretty well matched after Faf du Plessis zagged on everyone by batting first, when every other captain for the last 10 years has bowled first.  This is why I like Faf - he is bold as hell, unpredictable, and he’s got a jawline stronger than the Cape Town wind!  I think the captain of the team should always be the sexiest team member, it disrupts the other captain at the coin toss, as evidenced by the fact that we have won every toss so far this tour.  Now might be a good time to interject to say that everything about cricket is funny in a 13 year old boy way (the toss, team member etc) and I will be mining this for a lot of comedy, so if you are a mature adult, you might want to opt out here.   NZ have a few injuries, including two of their senior guys – Taylor and Boult – but they showed in the first test that they are a team to be reckoned with.  South Africa will be looking for improved performances from Cook, Amla, and Duminy, who have not been the best as of late.  Amla is my number 1 boy and I am sure he is gonna bounce back hard this game! Duminy is the boy under pressure, after Bavuma got some runs under his belt after a lean run.  This is where I get so mad though, to read the comments you’d think that Duminy and Bavuma were Under 14C players that were promoted to the Proteas by Jacob Zuma because they’re PoC! The comments are so racist and bad that even non-South African commenters on ESPNCricinfo have got in on the action of calling these guys ‘Quotas’ when they don’t perform.  These guys have to perform to such a high degree to earn anyone’s approval, and it is such racist bullshit.  Duminy is great, he has saved our asses numerous times, and even through a lean run he is averaging 40 in his last 10 tests! Bavuma is also an absolute treasure, his run-out against Australia pretty much won us that series, and his fielding alone is enough to justify a place, and his half century in the first test is hopefully a sign of him finding form.  Seriously, go watch that run out 10 times and tell me it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye and a rigidity to your genitals. While you’re at it, watch Wayde van Niekerk’s Olympic 400m race a few times to get that patriotic sports love going.  Goddam it’s a thing of beauty.

New Music Friday! Damn boys, it's Friday and that means there is ton of new music being released, and fuck this is a good week!  Let me give you a little run down of my faves.  The self titled Dirty Projectors album is one that I have been looking forward for ages, and it is just so so good.  It's a really interesting, ornate, but slightly screwy, pop album. There are all manner of weird chopped and altered vocals, and beautiful organic instrumentation mixed in with woozy electronics.  The closest analog is probably the recent Bon Iver album, but this has more energy.  My favourite tracks are "Keep Your Name" and "Cool Your Heart", the latter I can recommend as a good in for the album.  "Up the Hudson" is also really great because it ends in an excellent freakout jam.  This album is really interesting because it deals explicitly with Dave Longstreth's romantic and musical breakup with former band member Amber Coffman.  The album constantly revisits songs from when she was in the band, casting a retrospective eye on them to analyse the nature of romance and its dissolution, creativity and collaboration, aging and just about everything else.  It's seriously great.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUplxePolH4

The new Blanck Mass album, World Eater, is only officially out next week but an early listen is streaming at NPR and the album is so good you shouldn't sleep on it.  Blanck Mass is the project of Benjamin John Power, also of the band Fuck Buttons, and those two names give you all you need to know about this project - it's powerful as fuck.  This new brings something new in that it uses a lot of vocal samples, chopped and smashed into a bizarre sonic mosaic that adds some interesting emotional weight to the usual musical muscle.  The first two singles, "Please" and "Silent Treatment", are epic, but I love the opening one/two of the short, beautiful "John Doe's Carnival of Error" followed by the punishing "Rhesus Negative" which hits like a hailstorm but occasionally breaks into some glorious clear sky. http://www.npr.org/2017/02/23/515637311/first-listen-blanck-mass-world-eater

Los Campesinos! are not a band you'd expect to be have been around for a decade and onto their sixth album. These welsh kids dropped their amazing debut album during the peak of the last decade's indie music popularity, they were charming and self-deprecating, full of manic energy and twee literacy, hell, they even pulled a Ramones and all changed their surnames to Campesinos. They really earned that exclamation point too - seven Welshmen, violins, glockenspiels, backup vocals coming from every direction and a tumble of witty words, silly and exhilarating and sad, and dorky as fuck.  Those halcyon days are over, and the band has definitely evolved, they sound way more polished and the lyrics and music is definitely more grown up.  But they still have the same endearing charm and wit, and their new album,Sick Scenes, is so good.  Listen to the single "5 Flucloxacillin" if you don't know these guys, it'll tell you everything you need to know about them - it has got gorgeous backing vocal "ooooooo"'s, strange tongue twisting lyrics about sickness, sports, and intergenerational tensions, and it builds and and breaks in ways that I find fuckin' irresistible.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoqs0PJ12zM

Boys, this Trappist-1 news is pretty damn cool, especially because the star is clearly named because we think we're gonna find dank new drugs there! It is a super exciting find, and as technology improves it'll be so interesting to learn more about the system. However, this is also a good time for some perspective - the system is 40 light years away. Travelling at the speed of the Voyager spacecraft it would take 700,000 years to get there. Even if we manage to kick it up to a tenth of lightspeed in the future, accelerating the ship with lazers from earth or whatever, it would still take 400 earth years!

In a bit of synchronicity I am currently reading Kim Stanley Robinson's amazing 2015 sci-fi novel 'Aurora', a book that deals with a huge spacecraft nearing the end of its 180 year journey to the Tau Ceti system. It is a fantastic book, deeply researched and framed in a fantastic way as the a story being told by the ship's AI as it attempts to teach itself to be a narrative story-teller. The book is also fundamentally pessimistic about our ability to colonize other worlds. We can never predict the leaps of technology that will occur over hundreds of years (or even 20 years), but Robinson's story is so great because it deals with so much of the biological, sociological and technological aspects of space travel and terraforming. Any spaceship sent out into the galaxy would need to take the seeds of a new earth; would need to convey humans and their society; would be a closed biological loop, subject to island evolutionary forces, exposure to space radiation and whatever a new planet might throw at us. I have massive faith in humans to develop amazing solutions to impossible problems, but one of the best messages of Aurora is ultimately that a focus on terraforming other worlds overlooks the fundamental truth that we have a really great world right here!