boy

i went on a walk to pick up lunch today during work. i left without headphones, earbuds, or anything in my ears to play audio during that walk, which leaves me a lot of room to have conversations with myself in my head. after picking up my lunch, gorditas and Mexican rice, i began yearning for my mother's cooking. except, my mother's cooking almost always had meat in it and i am vegetarian.

i'm not going to beat around the bush and claim i think meat is gross, meat is delicious. my favorite being chicken and fish. i love the different ways my mother prepares any dish with chicken in it. sometimes i even allow myself to eat shrimp and fried fish cooked by my mom because she won't be around forever and our food is part of our culture. which, yes, i know it cancels out my vegetarian label.

then, i started wondering why i am still a vegetarian if i yearn to eat meat so bad sometimes. i think about caving and eating Mexican dishes again, i think about trying other culture's food with meat in it, i fantasize about biting the meat off the bone like the omnivore i am.

so why don't i succumb to my craving and improve my protein intake?

when i think about it, i start to get anxious at the thought of no longer being a vegetarian. yes, some part of me gets scared i'll get violently ill if i take a single bite of red meat and consume it. but, that's not where my fear is deeply rooted in.

i mainly started my vegetarian lifestyle (or striving to consume significantly less animal product) since 2017-2018. it has nearly been a decade. at this point, it has become part of my identity. i see how the meat corporations mass produce meat, along with the poor treatment towards the animals we consume. i watched videos when i was in middle school, giving up meat for a few months then inevitably eating my mom's cooking again without asking for no meat. i am aware how bad it affects our earth.

the first five years of being a vegetarian has caused me to demonize people who eat meat. i separated myself from people that enjoy meat, as if my entire culture doesn't have delicious dishes with meat in it. i strived to have a partner that eventually gave up meat with me and would convert to veganism to me, as if being vegan was my way of achieving some form of "Heaven." as if it would make me a holy saint.

now, looking back, i realize how silly i made the situation. there was a point i would force my partner to brush her teeth before kissing me. thank god she was patient with me. i learned through Native people the importance of hunting animals, using animals products, etc. it is for their culture. i honored the fact that they'd attempt to use every part of the animal, and they would thank the animal for providing. my mind eventually molded to a less strict, more flexible vegetarian lifestyle. i respected cultures' importance on using animal products and how respectful they went about it. i no longer demonized the people around me that loved eating meat.

however, for whatever reason, i cannot seem to give myself the same grace. every time i've eaten chicken or fish, i'd shame myself. i think of being a vegetarian as part of me to the point where i will imagine a version of me that eats meat and it feels so foreign to me. it feels wrong.

i thought about why i wouldn't allow myself to eat meat. why i won't allow myself the patience to eat meat when i am desperately craving it. i wondered why i made vegetarianism such an important part of my character. i certainly don't believe it makes me better than the people around me.

i fear sharing this with anyone close for the simple fact of how they'd view me. would they think i think they're unholy? will they minimize my worries and brush it off? will they scoff and roll their eyes? even then, i don't even think there's a solution. if they tell me to go ahead and eat meat, that i am okay, i think i'd refuse to eat meat.