Thinker Belle

Magdadalawang taon na since umalis akong Dapitan at Dipolog to pursue a fresh start in Dumaguete. Sa amin, sunsets are something we look forward to. Both Dapitan and Dipolog have sunset boulevards na connected sa seawall at mismong open sea, so people normally end their day at work or school doon.

Sa Dapitan, may Sunrise boulevard din. But only a few locals know about it, kasi on-going project pa sya at di pa masyadong accessed ng mga tao. It's connected naman sa longest river ng city. It's where I run my target mileage and practised riding on my roller skates. Pero to be honest, hindi ganoon kaganda ang sunrise samin. Tamang bukang-liwayway lang kumbaga.

Nung lumipat akong Dumaguete, inabangan ko ang sunset. I was expecting so much kasi nga tulad ng Dapitan at Dipolog, nasa tabing-dagat din ang boulevard nila. Kaso di ko nakita ang sunset sa Duma. Sa kabilang panig kasi lumulubog ang araw. Mismong likod ng Mt. Talinis. Kaya kahit alas kwatro o alas singko pa lang, kumakalat na ang orange and pink sa langit nang di mo namamalayan. Next thing you know, gumabi na.

Ang makikita mo sa boulevard ng Duma ay ang sunrise.

Sabi nila maganda raw. Kasing-ganda lang din ng sunsets, pero refreshing. Pero hindi ako morning person. Kaya kahit dalawang blocks lang ang layo ng apartment ko sa mismong boulevard, ni isang beses ay hindi ko sinadyang puntahan yon just to watch the sun rise from the horizon.

Pero a few months ago, nung minsang hindi ako makatulog, lumabas ako. Bandang alas dose ng gabi. Pumunta akong Jollibee, naghanap ng 24/7 na massage shop na 'safe' just around the area, and walked around.

Bandang alas kwatro nung napadpad ako sa pantawan and just stayed there. Sa isip ko, okay na na dito ako datnan ang antok, at least it's safe and public. Kaso I enjoyed watching the ferries, the people, and the dogs pass me by. Di ko namalayan, bukang-liwayway na. And believe me when I say it's something I shouldn't have missed from the get go.

Nakaka-amaze actually. Tama nga sila nung sinabi nilang sobrang refreshing tingnan ng araw habang umaakyat from the horizon. Tapos paunti-unti dumarami ang mga tao, umaalingawngaw ang mga busina ng mga sasakyan, padami na ang mga naglilipadang mga ibon. Gising na ang syudad.

It's like seeing Dumaguete in a different light...literally. It's like seeing this city breathe into life.

Had a mini meltdown while waiting for the boarding schedule of my ferry ride home. But I didn't wanna seem like a nutcase who randomly cries in the middle of the day with people around me. So before the tears burst like a dam—because I swear I felt it coming—I pulled this book from my bag, opened a random page to "read" so people think I'm crying because I'm reading a sad chapter.

But, you see, I have just started reading this book and haven't gone past the first chapter. I somehow landed on the latter part of Chapter 2. And I'm telling you none of it was tear-jerking.

To those who have read this book, you know that what happened in the second chapter was...spicy. But bruh do I care? No. I was in the middle of a meltdown. My tears couldn't stop even if I wanted to. I tried to soothe myself to no avail. I've read the entire smexy part only to care less about what was going on in the character's bedroom and still entertained the dark, depressing thoughts I was having.

Because just a minute ago, my mom hugged me and told me 'I love you' in the most endearing way possible. But I just cringed and brushed her hand off me. In my head, I responded with a bitter "You can't just say you love me after treating me like that." Of course, I kept it to myself and changed the subject.

I moved out just recently. It's only been less than a couple of months since I packed up, uprooted my life, and started anew in a city hours away from the place I recognized as my home. Away from the people who stood up, cared for, and unconditionally loved me despite what I lacked and accepted what I could only offer.

Of course, there are days that I regret this decision. Sometimes I look back on how comfortable my life was when I was surrounded by these people. I was nurtured. They keep me alive. They gave me lots of reasons to be alive despite them not knowing. They touched my almost unreachable heart, fixed my ever so broken soul, and made me believe that I am worth fighting for...that I am worthy of their friendship.

Sometimes I find myself visiting photos, Instagram stories, old Messenger conversations, and end up teary-eyed because I'll realize just how much love was provided to me.

These days I'd wake up to 'I miss you' messages. They either put a smile on my face or make me cry because I'm so overwhelmed with this profound feeling.

I used to question if I deserve this kind of love, especially in 2024 when people I considered 'friends' left me as if none of the memories we shared ever mattered. But this year, because of these people, I've learned to accept this astronomical love they have for me. And that I am deserving of this. And I shouldn't refuse all these because I am an admirable person—I'm worthy.

For someone who has slowly accepted the idea of people eventually leaving, it’s everything to find those who’d struggle to be away from me and would miss my presence the same way I'd miss theirs. Now I’ve found people who would find it hard to be apart from me—who would ache for my laughter, my strange silence, my small everyday self.

I am ready to leave again. It annoys and surprises me still how I can build a life, a routine, and with just one inconvenience, I am so ready to uproot everything and leave.

This black flag character trait has saved me from heartaches and burn out. But it also costs me a lot. Friendship failure, shaky career, all the money spent on moving out and moving in...all on my own.