MARSHY

Observe as Wade obliterates a TV for interrupting his movie trailer

(For those who are about to ask, it’s called Throne of Blood in English but its actual name is Spiderweb Castle and some Shakespeare scholars are big mad about it because other Shakespeare scholars consider it the best film adaptation of Macbeth ever made and we can’t have that)

THE ARCHERS DIDN’T KNOW MIFUNE’S BLOCKING. Every time you see him fling out an arm he’s actually signaling to the archers which way he’s about to go. That’s it, that’s what they had to go on. And they were shooting on location on Mount Fuji, which Akira Kurosawa had chosen SPECIFICALLY FOR ITS DENSE FOG.

However, BECAUSE this was Akira Kurosawa—if you don’t know that name think “Stanley Kubrick but earlier and Japanese and not quite as much of an asshole to his actors”—and he was insane, Mifune is also wearing real 19th-century feudal lord armor, in the sense that while it’s a modern reproduction it is completely functional. A feudal lord from the early 1800s could have been resurrected in the 1950s when this was filmed, handed this armor, and would have gone “yeah, that’s correct.” There are actually a couple of shots where you see arrows hit his torso and bounce off, or stick in the armor but they’ve very clearly only just barely stuck rather than going through.

So his torso is protected, and there’s a railing in front of him that provides some protection to his legs, and yes, this means THE MOST VULNERABLE PART OF HIM WAS ALSO THE ONLY PART THAT WOULD DEFINITELY KILL HIM: his face. I’m sure it was of very little comfort to him that the archers also weren’t very powerful shots.

Oh, and his character dies by taking an arrow through the neck. You can tell that one is a trick shot because it’s the only shot filmed from that specific angle, but I can imagine Mifune was none too eager to do it after all this.

Never missed a single squat. She thought to herself.

She looks back up at him, thinking of all the times he's smacked her own plush butt during sex or after greeting her. All the times she's told him she'd get him back. She's tried to get him back on a few occasions, but he always caught her before she could get close enough to land a hand on his sculpted derriere.

Esther looks back at Na’har. He seems to notice her staring and looks at her out of the corner of his eye, then turns his head for a moment to flick his upper tusks at her in a grin. As the tan and reddish-brown Yautja turns his attention back to the water, his little ooman mate turns her attention back to his ass. So close. So easy.

She turns her gaze back to his face, and then to his ass again.

It's now or never. She tells herself.

She reaches a small hand out, slipping it beneath his loincloth, and rests it on one of his muscular glutes. The warmth of his skin engulfs her hand, and Esther looks back at Na'har. He's still staring at the water. Maybe his skin is too tough for her to notice. She remembers their first meeting when she slapped and kicked him. She'd hurt her hand and foot, but to the behemoth before her, it had only felt like mere taps.

A grin spreads over Esther’s face, and she gives his cheek a firm squeeze. Nothing, at first, but then his cheek flexes against her hand. There's a soft purr, and Na’har turns his head to look down at her. Her grin grows wider, and Earth pulls her hand back and delivers a sharp smack to the Yautja’s ass. She notices it jiggles just over so slightly, and then gives him another squeeze, feeling each of his scales with her fingertips.

"Like what you feel?" Na'har asks.

Her constant grin tells him all he needs to know.

"I told you I would get you back," Esther says.

"So you did, my fierce little sain’ja," the Yautja replies. "So you did."

He turns to face her, and her hand remains on his ass. Looking down at her, Na'har flexes the muscles in his chest with a trill.

"And now it's my turn," he says. "I will give you a head start."

He's teasing. She knows he'll catch her before she even reaches the door. He's a hunter, and the thrill of the chase is what he loves.

"One..." Na'har begins.

Esther takes a step back.

"Two..."

She turns and runs for the door.

"Three!"

It happens so fast, she barely has time to blink. His warm chest presses up against her back, his muscular arms hold her in a vice-like grip. He begins to vibrate. He's purring, and Esther closes her eyes with a sigh to enjoy the feeling of his scales massaging her back.

"Well, my strong hunter, what will you do with me now?" She asks.

There is silence, and then a chirp, and his arm slips beneath her legs and she's swept into his arms. The giant's mandibles stroke over her face with soft trill, and Esther leans her ear against his chest to listen to his four heartbeats.

pov: you interrupted his slumber party with spider-man