𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐳 𝐛𝐚𝐫𝐳

My Monday was meant to be normal, nothing was meant to end up like this. I didn’t think something this bad would ever happen, especially in my lifetime. I don’t know why I'm writing this stupid journal but it feels right (write - right — get it?) I just want things to go back to normal…

I woke up this Monday morning not expecting much. It was quiet in the apartment. Normally I would be glad, but every Monday my sister makes us breakfast and usually makes a huge mess when she— inevitably— messes up. I ignore it and check the time…My phone is dead. I forgot to charge it last night. Whoops. I forced myself out of bed, the sun is rising, which is also weird. I'm meant to be up way before sunrise to get ready. Whatever, maybe I have some doctor's appointments I forgot.

In the kitchen it's still the same as the night before, we had dinner then my sister went out to buy groceries because she hates shopping during the day, but her keys are still gone, and so is her purse... Did she make it home last night? She probably just has them in her room if she got home later than normal and was tired. I'm sure that’s it. Yeah, that makes sense. I'm saying that makes sense because I don’t wanna think about why she wouldn’t come home. She’s not like mom— or worse dad— she wouldn’t have done that.

I eat breakfast, just cereal, then begin getting ready. I check her room and she’s not there. Maybe she went out early in the morning and didn’t tell me. Before I head outside, I notice that it's quiet, inside and out, no noise. I look out the window, it's like people just stopped existing, but there are windows broken, cars stopped in the street, but it's all silent. I don’t trust it, I don’t like silence, it reminds me of back then and I don’t want to think about back then. I ignored it and checked my phone that finally charged and…

oh god.

A text from my sister with screenshots of a news story about some virus, but she said she would be home in just 20 minutes.. She sent that 12 hours ago. I look up the virus and all I see is stupid conspiracy theories, ‘All an elaborate scheme by the government?!? ’ 12 things the scientists don’t want you to know about the new virus!!!’ ‘All a scam. Just like the moon landing’ I don’t believe a word of it… yet looking out the window at the silent street of the city, I— No. There is no “zombie virus” and my sister is fine. I found a news article, ‘virus spreads through the air..’ ‘Stay indoors..’ ‘Gas masks are recommended..’ I'm not a fan of reading long articles so I skimmed over it. I'm not a fan of reading in general but I like to write. I click on a video, a man? No, a woman? I can’t tell, the body is half decayed and oozing black puss. Gross. I watch the video as it straggles along the sidewalk, before seeing the person recording it, and as if it wasn't half rotten, it ran inhumanly fast at the camera, the video cuts off with screams and the phone hitting the ground. I really hope that was edited but it seemed so real it made my skin crawl.

I look out the window again, noticing the trails of black on the sidewalks, is that..? I gag and turn away. Fine, if this is a zombie apocalypse then I think I'm prepared. My grandpa was a crazy apocalypse prepper, and my sister kept some of his junk so I should have that gas mask that article mentioned. I found a gas mask and a bat. I haven't a clue why she kept all this but she did, which is great for me. I leave the small two bedroom apartment, it hurts. It hurts my chest, my heart, my soul. It hurts to consider the possibility I might not return. I might die out there looking for my sister.

I leave anyway.

The streets are silent. I walk towards the grocery store my sister shops for us at. I hear a car alarm in the distance and I try to ignore it. It’s not hard, I grew up in this city and car alarms quit bothering me after a while. Still, there is something so.. Unnerving about the dead silence being broken. I'm about 2 dozen yards from the doors when I hear a shriek. I want to scream too, to ball up and cry at everything. But I don’t. I sprint towards the doors, slamming into them and shoving my body against them to keep them closed. After a few moments of catching my breath and waiting for any noise to come again, when none does, I move. I put some shelves in front of the doors to try to slow anyone down at least. I can’t smell great through this mask but this store smells rotten, it always does because it's discounted everything, but it smells worse than usual. I try to ignore it, but it stays in the back of my mind like an itch I just can’t reach. I wander through the isles,not totally sure what I'm looking for but I grab some cans of food and I see a flask on display. It’s labeled as a camping flask, strap and all. I take it and fill it with a water bottle I took. It’s quiet here. Too quiet. I hate it. I walk towards the back of the store and the smell of rotting meat gets stronger and stronger. The mask doesn’t do much for it. The smell is rancid and makes me gag. I almost decide to turn around but something in me needs to see the back of this store and see why it smells so bad.

A small meow drags my attention away though. It’s a break in the quiet. I look around until I find it, a small Siamese kitten under a shelf. I pick her up gently and she crawls onto my shoulder. My sister was always more of a dog person but I personally always wanted a cat. My mom was never in the right place for us to get any animals though. I set her down, and go find her some food. It’s not stealing if no one is in the city anymore right? I never really cared before so I took a can and opened it for her, putting it on the ground. I walk around the store, leaving her there. I'm walking through the isles, shoving cans of food and other items into my backpack. I grab what I think people on tv would grab for an apocalypse. I get to an aisle and..

oh.

…

That’s her.

That's my sister.

I feel vomit rise in my throat. I swallow it back down.

I'm by her without even realizing it now, crouching down next to her unmoving body. I check her pulse, I want so desperately to believe I feel any pulse but I don't. I see her chest unmoving, and a large gash on her head with barely dried blood. I feel the tears run down my face before I even fully process what's happening. She was slumped over against a shelf. Her light pink hair I helped her dye just a week prior is now stained with a dark red splotch. Her eyes were closed, for a moment I can convince myself she’s just asleep. I hold onto her, my head leaning onto her shoulder staining her shirt with my tears. It reminds me of when I first started living with her. That first night when I moved in was hell. I was scared, and angry at everything. I just moved away from all my friends and I was 8. But I missed my mom and didn’t understand why she left me, even if I knew she hated me. She explained it so softly to me..

”She didn’t want to leave you, she made a bad mistake and can’t come back from it.”

I don't like thinking about that though. Yet I do. I sit there and cry about everything all over again. I don't care anymore, I can’t accept that she’s gone. A sharp ache in my chests makes me fold over as I cry. All the bad memories of my mom come back, all the times she had chosen those stupid drugs and men over me. One memory sticks out to me, it was the night before she died and she had a man over to the house; I was meant to stay in my room but even then I never did what I was told. The man had seen me in the kitchen and yelled that she said she didn’t have kids, he left soon after and my mom turned towards me with a look of disgust that I had never seen before.

That look still sticks with me.

Even after I saw her slumped over the bathtub with a needle beside her. Even after I watched my sister force a somber look at the funeral to seem sympathetic in front of family. Even after I watched her casket get lowered into the ground and covered. That look of pure hatred and disgust sticks with me, every mistake, every failure, every time I do something wrong, that look haunts my mind.

I force the memory down. I refocus as to what's happening currently, which reminds me again I'm sobbing over my sister's corpse. I try to stop the tears, wiping my eyes with my shirt and forcing down the bile rising again in my throat.

For a brief moment I consider curling up next to her and rotting away here.

I stay there, holding my sister's cold hand and crying quietly for what feels like centuries. I only snap out of this daze when I hear a small meow come from behind me. I glance back and see the kitten from before, she had food around her mouth and face. I can’t quite smile at the sight while my sister's cold hand was still in mine. I lean down and take the necklace from around her neck, tears falling onto her shirt as I do. I put the necklace around my neck and slid off my bracelet and put it around her wrist. I force myself to my feet, shaking as I do. The sun has begun to set and I would rather still have daylight to get back to my home. I walk around the store and grab just a few more things and some more kitten food. I scoop up the cat and leave the store quickly walking home.

I hear a distant screaming across the city I choose to ignore.

Once home I lock the door and make sure all the windows are locked too. I'm on the 3rd floor but I don't want to take any chances. I put a bowl of water out for the kitten, I think I'm gonna name it wisp. I decided to make some food too. I'm not the greatest chef but I throw canned soup on the stove and add some onions and seasonings. I let that cook for a bit while I pack a bag. I'm not sure if I want to leave but having a bag just in case would be fine. I force myself to eat, barely tasting it as it goes down. I don't see a point in sticking around. I remember reading to wait for military vehicles to come and bring you out safely. I haven’t seen anyone since yesterday when… when everything was normal… That doesn’t matter now. I don't want to stick around waiting for someone who may not ever come. I couldn’t wait on anyone to save me before, why start now. I watch the sun set outside the apartment windows, most of it being obscured by the buildings surrounding me but I at least see some.

I crawl into my sister's bed, with Wisp laying next to me, and cry myself softly to sleep.

My sleep doesn't provide me much rest though.

I blink, taking in my surroundings. I'm back in the grocery store, and I feel out of control of my own body. I watch helplessly as I turn down an aisle and there she is. My sister. Just… lying there on the ground. That's where the dream kind of ends. It feels like another eternity of just staring at her corpse. I want to scream or cry or vomit, maybe even all three. Yet, I just stand there. I feel a tightening in my chest and as much as I try to convince myself it's a dream, I know this was my reality just a few hours ago.

I wake up what feels like seconds or years later. It's still dark out and I'm in a pool of sweat. I feel the bile rise in my throat for what feels like the millionth time. This time though, instead of forcing it down, I stumble to my feet and rush to the bathroom.

I clean my face off and look in the mirror. I look slightly disheveled but the same as yesterday.

Yesterday.

Yesterday when I didn’t know my sister — the last of my family — was dead. I don't want to stay here. With all of these reminders surrounding me, reminding me that I’ll always be alone. Maybe I'm bad luck. Everyone around me has either left or died. Three times has to be a sign, that’s not even counting all the friends who left me too. I made the decision to leave. There is nothing left here for me. I don’t have many friends I would go looking for, and I know they wouldn't bother looking for me. The idea of seeing anyone else I know dead isn’t nice either. I know no one would look for me, they all knew I would end up dead somewhere anyways, either in a ditch or just disappearing off the face of the earth. It’s all stupid now— everything that I thought mattered. I realise that now, all the petty fights I got in, all the wasted time. I walk back to the bedroom, it still smelt like my sister's perfume. The sun hasn’t risen yet, so I lay back down and try to get just a few more hours of sleep.

My dream is similar to before, unable to control my body as I walk through the same path in the grocery store. The curiosity not letting me just leave the store and go home. I want to scream but I can’t. Then I’m next to her body, crying like I did before. This is where the dream diverged from reality. A loud, ear piercing shriek came from the front of the store, followed by a large crash. For a time I forget it's a dream and all the fear I felt was perfectly real. Still holding my sister in my arms, I turn towards the noise. I hear a shuffling on the floor, followed by heavy sprinting footsteps.

It saw me.