To Be Determined.

We have baby danced until we were blue in the face...

....fingers crossed...hopefully I’m testing too early 😞

What does that word mean to you? For me it is fully loaded. Tonight was the first time in a long time I have felt deeply humiliated. Humiliated beyond words. Embarrassed. Ashamed... and any other word you can think of that could mean feeling simply put, SHITTY. One good thing from this night is motivation... humiliation -> motivation. Today isn’t a good day... I just want to go to bed and try again tomorrow.

It’s been a while since I have blogged... Part of it is pure laziness and other parts are because I have been pretty blah. Technology makes it so easy to blog, so there is really no excuse I have haven’t really felt it... there you go I said it.... so I’m In my fertile window and I have to say baby dancing with my husband tonight was awesome. ❤️🤤👀 sorry for the TMI but it was on point tonight...

It’s really hard explaining things to insensitive ass people that have never been through a miscarriage or struggled with fertility.... but if I’m being honest..before it happen to me I was one of those people ple... the shit hurts and it’s hard as fuck...karma is a big fat bitch.

Today was my due date.

This weekend has been filled with true happiness. It has been a long time coming. I have challenged myself in ways that I didn’t know I could. I have finally begin to put this wall I have built up around religion down. For the past couple of weeks, months, and maybe even years I have felt this emptiness inside of me. I’m not sure if it was me now being around people who know God or what. But something has been missing. I truly believe this miscarriage happen for reason. Possibly even to open my eyes and get my attention. I can think back to so many times where I put other things on a pedestal in my life and never once have one of those things been God. I think the miscarriage was away for God to make me seek him. Well it worked because here I am looking to fill that void from him. I went to church today the same church for the second time. Today was different. I found myself looking around the church again second week in a row finding reasons as to why this church was it for me. I looked around and I looked at the people that didn’t look like me I listen to the music that didn’t sound like music I listen to and I looked at the preacher who didn’t look like me and I decided that this church was it for me. But then I thought about it and how many churches I’ve said aren’t for me and for the reasons exact the opposite but yet the same. In that very moment I prayed. I asked God what he wanted from me and if this was where he wanted me to be to give me a sign sign in so he did. The preacher gave a sermon that brought tears to my eyes. As I felt the tears fall from my eyes and down my cheeks down my chin and onto my shirt I knew this was the sign I had just prayed for. I joined this church today and it felt so right.This feeling is the very feeling that I’ve been asking God to give me for weeks maybe months maybe years. You know it’s funny because as bad as I want my husband to join me and worship with me, I really enjoy my time alone at church. I feel like it’s the one time it’s just me and God. I’m not worrying about being a mom or being the perfect wife I’m able to just focus on me and God. So for my readers that aren’t religious well neither am I but something happened today that makes me think I might be in the future.

I went running today... yes, running. It felt so good...but it was more than physical it was mental and emotional as well... hard to explain, but it felt like I was finally doing something for me without worrying about the opinions of others... It felt damn good. I walked a little, ran a little... I ignored the things my neighbors might say or the laughs that might happen... I ran when I wanted and walked when I got tired... but I didn’t give up. So the plan is to do that everyday without limiting myself to a number... - Baby steps in learning how not to put so much pressure on myself... I want to get pregnant more than anything. #fact. Pregnancy loss and fertility struggles are real... So losing weight isn’t just about a healthier lifestyle, but about achieveing this healthy lifestyle I have never had in my entire life so that this time around if and when I am pregnant again, this will end with me holding my precious bundle of joy... versus laying on a hospital bed listening to the ultrasound technician tell me there was nothing found in my uterus. This time this year... which is the exact time of the year with my first pregnancy, I should be preparing for a new baby... cleaning the house for a newborn, putting together cribs, hanging pictures, sorting baby clothes and organizing the extra baby stuff new parents buy... but I’m not... instead I’m tugging on a necklace that says “always in my heart” and watching my #Oviaapp for my fertile window to come.... anticipating a positive or negative ovulation, strechy cervical fluid, and ovulation range temps... then the baby dance... over and over... and the dreadful two week wait. This process is exhausting... but it has taught me so much about myself, the support I have around me, but most of all how to deal with heartbreak and use my experience to truly understand empathy. As I go to work everyday, surrounded by pregnant women I try so hard not to have hate and envy in my heart... but it’s there. It’s slowly beginning to fade...but it’s there. After all I’m only human and change doesn’t happen over night.

I just typed a whole bunch... and I think I did it wrong. 🤦🏾‍♀️ forehead slap emoji.