Hi, I've been a long-time lurker and first of all, I'd like to express my appreciation for the educational posts that you make. I'm sure that they have been very useful for many people, including me.
I would be very grateful to hear your perspective on what I'm going to share. I have recently moved in with my dom, with whom we had a long-distance relationship for a while. We have a great sexual compatibility, in our case meaning that we both like rough stuff like CNC and pain, for example. But so far almost every time we had sex in person, I felt the urge to safeword (including the times before we moved in). This has never happened long-distance. I truly enjoy the things I listed, but sometimes I might feel overstimulated or feel like they're going a little bit too far. We had conversations about not being afraid to use safewords and I have asked them to check in with me more frequently, and we did have plenty of discussions about what we like or don't. My questions are:
1) When should you safeword? Obviously sometimes you might feel some discomfort during a rough scene and not particularly enjoy it, but if you don't safeword, it might end soon and you will both feel very satisfied and happy in the end. Basically, where should "I'll wait it out" end and "okay that's enough" begin?
2) There are some days when I really enjoy pain and humiliation, but on other days I just feel a lot of discomfort and don't feel in the mood for them. Is this common? How should I communicate this if the scene has already started?
I'd love to hear what you think. Thank you so much for your time :)
Hi anon, thank you so much for your ask.
I'm sorry this has been happening to you. I want to say up front that kink is about mutual enjoyment. It's based on consent and desire for specific types of play. Your consent and desire to perform play is essential and anyone seriously telling you otherwise is lying, and an unsafe partner.
1. You should safeword any time you feel the desire or urge to. If even a tiny part of you wants to safeword, you should do it. Even just 1%. No exceptions. The point of BDSM is to enjoy each other, not cause unpleasurable discomfort to any participants. Never ever wait it out. Never ever hope for the best and endure it. Ask yourself, would your Dom ever want to do anything to you that you're uncomfortable with? In a normal, healthy dynamic, they absolutely would not. If they did, they would be an unsafe partner. Any partner who doesn't care about your consent is open to committing sexual assault. I don't need to tell you why that's wrong. Please safeword every time you want to, even if it's just a little bit. No exceptions.
2. Yes, it's completely normal to feel discomfort sometimes, or even most days, about humiliation, pain, and anything else. You are a complex, dynamic, complete individual and sex isn't the only thing about you, it's perfectly normal to have days where you don't want to do anything sexual, or only want things to be vanilla. It's normal to have weeks or even months like that. There are times I don't want to have rough sex or do anything humiliating either. It's normal to be a multifaceted person and to enjoy different things at different times. This should be built into your dynamic and any real Dom will respect such preferences. It's also completely valid to want things to be less intense. Humiliation and cnc aren't binary, they're both large spectrums of play which can include soft, gentle, and low discomfort scenes.
The way you communicate discomfort or a lack of desire to do a scene when it's already started is by safewording. Your consent is paramount and you should withdraw it when you don't actually want to do something, even if it's just a little bit.
One thing that I think is important to mention is that negotiation is not a one time thing. It's a constant, ongoing process required for the health of any dynamic. You should regularly discuss how you're feeling, what you like and don't like, and what could improve in the future. Your limits and boundaries, the things you want from a dynamic, and what's changed for you. This is ESPECIALLY true as a dynamic transitions from online to in-person. There's an adjustment period, and it is essential to focus on getting mutual enjoyment and exploring what works for both of you. Human beings aren't static, our tastes and preferences evolve over time. Your dynamic should evolve alongside you to maximize your enjoyment. Maybe things online weren't as intense as it feels to recreate them in person, and things would be more enjoyable if you worked up to the more extreme pain and humiliation. Maybe things would be better if you could indicate each day whether it's a humiliation day or a more gentle day. Remember, your boundaries and feelings aren't just valid, they're the basis of your dynamic in the first place.
Please don't ever feel like your desire to safeword is wrong or invalid, or like your discomfort or lack of desire to do something is misplaced. You should always prioritize your feelings and comfort, otherwise kink can become unsafe for both you and your dom. As a Dom, I would feel very uncomfortable if a sub didn't safeword with me whenever they want to, especially if it was out of hope that it would be over soon, or that they'd eventually enjoy it. That's the opposite of good kink in my view, and I would work with them to adjust the dynamic accordingly to ensure they are actually getting enjoyment from it. Please talk with other members of the community, be open and honest about your dynamic with those who are more experienced.
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