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“we were walking down queen street. it was raining, it was pouring rain, everyone had umbrellas except you and i, and i was so like caught up in the adolescent joy of being on queen street that i was like why do people even have umbrellas? don’t they realize this is just beautiful...” - matt johnson cineplex interview x

“the rain was fat and sticky and almost sweet. It was the kind of rain that feels more warm than wet. The kind that requires no umbrella whatsoever. Bird remembered feeling this way once before, but from a childhood long ago. Or was it a dream? Could life even be this wonderful? Bird was only certain of one thing: he wanted it to rain forever.” - matt and bird break loose episode 2 x

But like other things, film is an opportunity for him to freely explore things about himself taken to excess or in hypothetical. What if I was only attracted to the same sex? What if I couldn't get an acceptable level of heterosexual cred when everyone started building theirs, and my straight best friend started rejecting me because of how strange and obsessive I was being? What if I fed that classic dysphoric gay impulse that wonders if I could have my straight best friend if only I mimicked what he desired? What if, in a different scenario, I managed to get us suspended forever as the most important relationship in each others' lives, for the small price of desexing myself and him still always trying to leave me? Do I resent and mock when he shows his own desire? What if my best friend was complacent enough to consider all my overtures jokes without me needing to be with a woman to give me deniability?

He's got this thing going on where like many men, he's blatantly homosocial and kinda misogynistic and these things wrap in on themselves plenty of times, sure. And honestly, it's /possible/ he's not attracted to the same sex and instead he's got this deep deep tendency towards caring about his male besties to such a degree that the closest possible comparison is literally repressing love for them — and that's possible but I do tend to consider the occam's razor that plenty of people are bisexual, and plenty of bisexuals kind of decide to just ignore it because they like the access to the heterosexual world, they don't want to lose the things they have there — especially their place of standing with their straight besties, and they CAN be attracted to the opposite sex, so if they can have the occasional outlet for their intensity regarding the same sex, then why even bother if they don't care about engaging with being Gay?

The tragedy of being bi, I think, is that you can sublimate your issues all you want because you don't have to face them. It's literally optional. Being homosexual, like, you do have to face it eventually, even ten steps into delusion and trying to imagine a world where you can slot into heterosexuality somehow, you know something has to be fundamentally different to allow it. Whereas it's not true if you're bi.

Plenty of people make a whole host of different decisions as a result, but a lot do the Matt Johnson thing where they reject the conundrum in favor of the status quo, especially men who benefit from a world that encourages them to value their relationships with other men most of all. It creates an environment where the capitulator can have his cake and eat it too, as long as he gives up sex. But nevertheless, unless one is very very good at denial, you end up wondering. Maybe kind of resentful.

And it's that complicated homosexual push and pull between jealousy, resentment, dysphoria, etc, that are kind of well painted and explored in his work. What if I'm attracted to the same sex but I want the sliver of what I can get from my specific straight best friends more than some promise at random gay depth. What if I could just wish myself into their dating pool. What if I could jokingly be the smoking dragon keeping all suitors away, and they just accept it. What if one of them finally catches on and drops me?

Omg the new album... Jay McCarrol just come to my house and kill me it would be easier

🚬 smokingajay

Guys STOP circulating this in light of what happened! What if he sees it and kills me for real

#jay if you are reading this it was a JOKE #i still love the album though

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🐇 endlessrabbithole follow

Me getting ready to join the tumblr serial killer fandom now after thinking they're awful and creepy forever

#jay mccarrol #to be clear i still don't support people idolizing like. ted bundy or whatever

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🍁 imabeleafer follow

This has been a fucking WILD day in Toronto. For anyone who doesn't know, one of Jay McCarrol's band members was shot and McCarrol himself is the main suspect (and no one knows where he is), an unidentified man climbed to the top of the CN tower and then jumped off (not a suicide attempt, he actually had a parachute!), and a man was electrocuted on the same street where the police were chasing McCarrol down (they didn't catch him), all today.

⚜️ viveleshabs follow

Damn, the only crazier thing that could happen in Toronto is if the Leafs were actually a good team.

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💬 kdlanguage follow

Watching the "Jay McCarrol has been dropping us hints that he's secretly gay via his lyrics" crowd change their tune to "Jay McCarrol has been dropping us hints that he's going to kill someone via his lyrics" is absolutely sending me right now. This is truly the funniest timeline.

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📻 radio-of-the-spirit follow

🌊 surfsup follow

💔

#i'm just in total shock right now #how could the man who saved my life have ended another's?

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🐦 torontojayblues follow

Okay guys I know we're all going kind of crazy right now responding to this and I'm feeling a lot of emotions about it myself but I do think maybe we could tone it down with all the jokes and memes? I know he probably won't see them anyways but I just feel like we should respect Jay and his privacy and not turn this into a total circus, it's gotta be really awful for him as it is. Speaking for myself I know Jay got me through some really tough times and now it's our turn to support him and not turn his pain into a joke.

☀️ thebeacheslonermp3 follow

HIS privacy? Not the privacy and pain of the family of the guy he fucking KILLED in cold blood? God... Jay McCarrol fans have always been annoying but this is actually fucking ghoulish. He's not a baby bird that needs your protection, he is a murderer who deserves to go to prison.

🐦 torontojayblues

See, this is exactly the kind of persecution he's already facing. We don't know any of the details of what happened. What he deserves is the right to a fair trial, and what's "ghoulish" is people totally dehumanizing him and thinking they know everything about a situation we barely have any info about.

#i sincerely think in ten years we're all going to look back on this and regret our actions

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💀 softskeleton follow

My Disney princess 💖

🎸 women-i-trust follow

Your Disney princess just killed someone

💀 softskeleton

If you were to tell 14-year-old me who made these gifs that a decade later Jay McCarrol would shoot someone and the way I would find out is by someone dredging up this very post. Well. Jay if you're out there do me a favour and fucking kill me next.

#i haven't really listened to his music or cared about him in years but #what the fuck

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💎 blue-stoner follow

This is literally going to ruin the tour

#jay mccarrol

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🌈 gay-mccarrol-truther follow

We should have seen this coming he was literally trying to warn us

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🥁 bigdrummerboy follow

If anyone in the GTA is disappointed about not being able to see Jay McCarrol now that he's on the lam or whatever, DM me! I have a cover band, we are basically just as good as him and we don't overcharge for shows like he does.

#plus we're not murderers lol

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🎹 jay-mccarrol-daily follow

Hey everyone,

So, I think I'm going to be stepping back and taking a break from this account for a bit. I really don't know what to do or how to feel right now. I know a lot of you are probably in the same boat, and I just want to say how much I love this fandom and how much joy it's brought me being able to connect with people on here over the years and see how much creativity and passion everyone has in this space. Even though I'm definitely feeling a lot of negative things right now (confusion, betrayal, anger) the one thing I'm trying to bear in mind is that while Jay McCarrol is someone who I don't know, have never known, will never know, there are people on here who I do know because of our shared love of music and it's those people and that love that really matters.

I'm going to take some time to clear my head while we see what happens with this whole situation, but I do want to come back to this account eventually and maybe do something different with it. If anyone has recommendations or requests for other artists that they'd want to see photos/gifs/updates of, let me know!

🟨 nonamebrand follow

This is so well said! Love you and can't wait for your blog to come back in whatever form that takes 💛

#btw as far as recs go you should check out fionn!

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☀️ stealmysunshine follow

Who put this on Jay McCarrol's Wikipedia page I just wanna talk

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🍺 kungfubar follow

Would it be fucked up if I posted the next chapter of my vampire!Jay fic? I've been working really hard on it but it feels a little weird posting something where he's grappling with bloodlust now and I'm not sure anyone would want to read it at this point anyways.

🦇 batsabbath follow

There's literally never been a better time to post it tbh

⭐️ girlgolden follow

This is exactly why everyone hates RPF writers

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