yeah you could say ilya knows how to woo a guy.

• backseat lube

• large coke from mcdonalds (cup holder)

• novelty dragon-shaped lighter (other cup holder)

• haribo sour cherries in glovebox

• nicotine gum in glovebox

• condoms in glovebox

• napkins in glovebox

• eclectic collection of russian deep house CDs in glovebox

• teddy bear wearing an I ❤️ BOSTON shirt keychain (no keys attached)

• nasty water bottle growing fungus

• discarded gym socks (his)

• $800 designer sweater that sheds fur when moved (svetlana’s)

• navy hoodie (shane’s laundry bin)

• half-used roll of grip tape rolling around under the seats

• pink fluffy dice dangling from mirror

• dashboard bobblehead of himself

Am worried for a bit. Are they fighting?

Realize parents are having a heated debate on whether or not goats can climb trees.

Immediately side with mom, because I know goats can fuckin climb fucking ANYTHING because I remember the “crave that mineral” meme with the goat on the vertical cliff face apparently levitating to achieve the mineral it craves.

who fuckin says the internet never taught me anything

Dad has to leave to go back to work. Leaves convinced that no, goats can’t climb trees, they’re goats, they stay on the ground.

Once he’s gone, youtube search “Moroccan Tree Goats.” Find self-explanatory video of several goat up in a fuckin tree like some Dr. Seuss shit.

Mom looks at me like it’s the proudest she’s ever been of me in her life, including my university graduation

She emails it to him. At work. My dad will get a video of Moroccan goats screaming in a tree at his place of business, with the subject line “I TOLD YOU SO.”

Mom triumphantly yells to the empty house, “THIS IS WHY PEOPLE IN THE BIBLE THOUGHT GOATS WERE THE DEVIL.”