Basically a in the moment mood diary

Everyday I feel so lost and useless, I try to just get by and do the basic adult things to keep myself alive. I go to work, I come home and relax, I sleep, i provide my body with its basic necessities and still I can't help but cry and sob my heart out day after day; about how pathetic I feel waking up and going to sleep.

Every single day I put on a mask of who people want me to be, and I have gone so deep that I don't know who I really am anymore. There is no real version of me, just a juxtaposition of broken fragments that I display as "me" to different peers, all picked out precisely to make them even give a single ounce of care towards my being.

It's never worth it in the end, no matter if I never speak or if I yap the day away... everybody always ends up hating me. I've spent 25 years hating every particle of me, I could name what I hate in alphabetical order, chronological even, color coded for fucks sake. There is not a single thing to like about me. I am fucking nothing at the end of the day.

I spend over 60% of my day fucking alone and depressed and questioning my very existence in my day to day life. Bullied and ignored by peers, despised and hated by more. What's the upside to me? Is it when I cry my eyes out day after day? Is it when I show how weak so am getting for failing to remember to eat third meals? Is it my skeletal figure? I'd it when I get so overwhelmed I cannot speak or move? Didn't think so.

For my entire life I wondered why nobody liked me, let me talk, wanted to be around me more than they have to be.

It took me 24 years to understand that I may be autistic, which became a realization after decades in school of being in special education; I didn't know why I didn't understand things, why I'd be ignored, forgotten so easily by all my peers that had grown up with me, shared memories with me, seemed to like my presence.

I have no personality outside of my experiences with others, I share things that relate or ask questions relating to similar contexts and it gets bashed down over and over and over again. I try to explain things, I try to understand, I try to be correct, but it never does any good.

I still don't understand why people don't like me, I don't understand whatever the fuck my identity is, I don't understand why people dislike me so much, why I am forgotten so easily, why I am the way I am.