I feel like the prototype for how ipad kids are growing up now.
You see I think ive made a post like this in my drafts or whatever but im gonna yak about it again
I grew up in a family of 6. I am the youngest of 4 kids, with a notable age gap between me and my 3 siblings. Growing up I felt an intangible distance from everyone around me. See. I was a mamas boy, and boy, my mama was not the most popular person in my house. But little 6 year old me just knew the rules, not how they came to be or how hated they were. So i felt a rift between everyone. Really to no ones individual fault, everyone was trying (and kinda failing) to keep themselves together. I just, grew up around them, i wasnt raised.
So i kind of formed into whatever media I had the patience to take in. No one ever made me sit down and watch a full movie, or episodes of television, i just got to watch whatever on my Ipad. Then later, iphone 6.
Ill focus on what i remember from said iphone 6. I watched a lot of cowbelly reddit meme videos (and other such tts meme videos) subreddit reading videos from youtubers like Slazo and Sorrow tv, hell even Marshal Does Stuff. And then video essays, like drew gooden and danny gonzales. Whatever gaming youtubers played the game i was hyperfixating on too. So just a bunch-o-fuckin content.
I think the video essays blended with the “relatable millennial life” shit from the reddit videos gave me my lens of life.
I only ever imagine things as the post mortem, the dissection of them. I saw people talking about nostalgia alllll the fucking time and i went
“oh yeah i do that too” <- 9 year old with an immense pit in his stomach he does not know how to fill.
I know people like, imagine themselves being famous or whatever. But its a worm in my head, to be able to discuss the amazing works ive never made. To get down in the grit and talk about all the things that made xyz happen. I catch myself trying to talk about stuff with a formed deeply sat opinion about things I havent even seen a single thing from besides a social media post. Everything is sped along in my head to the content that could be made about it.
But all that was planted in my brain in 2016-2019. Late in 2019 my parents divorced and my mom manipulated me into coming with her across the country to california (thats a whole nother story but im just forever upset with my mom so just know the blame isnt ALL on her)
Then covid happened and this great ingrowth started with people social lives. Whereas mine was already like that. So i adapted quickly, but my mom is where i get damn near all of my inattentive traits from so, no way in hell was i getting sat down to watch something with her.
Its been second screen all my life and I hate it a lot because I have to bend myself backwards to not live life like that. Only ever waiting for the end product instead of starting production.
The ways i got out of it probably arent going to help anyone else. As i am a very fortunate person in a lot of senses and giving advice unprompted would be one of the most fucking annoying things i can do.
If you feel the same or watched any of the things I did i wanna chat because no one ive spoken to has dealt with the same emotions
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Im feeling the same way I did during both of my relationships that I was manipulative in. (Oh my fucking god my entire post was selected and i deleted it i gotta re-write this fuck)
In my two relationships. I didnt take care of myself. I stayed up till 2-4 AM every night. I didnt get school done, or work, or my personal projects, or fucking anything. I just lazed about agonizing over my inability to do anything.
And so after a day of feeling like shit and a bum and lazy. I got to call an amazing cool person who would compliment me and re-assure me of everything. Someone who I promise id listen to, and always be there for, and be as good a boyfriend as I could be. I never DID those things though, i got on call said my hellos and talked about our day then id just fucking braindead scroll on social media. I say id listen to them but i didnt. I thought I was but all of the things I say against myself is only in retrospect. My mentally abusive behavior didnt feel like I was doing that.
I mean how could I be like my mother?/s
i hate her!
So now i say i feel the same as i did then because im pushing my tired self to try and “fix” my mood instantly instead of taking care of myself. Ive had too much caffeine today (like over 400 mg) and i barely got any work done. Now doesnt that sound familiar?
Im stopping though, i got up from my desk, im laying down. I might journal before I go to wash my face and such for the night but, this is essentially my entry.
Gosh another big post might come outa me here oh boy
I think ive been having panic attacks but the symptoms of them are so broad that ive been convincing myself that im faking them or some shit,
I start sweating and my heart pounds uncontrollably, it feels like my brain is slowly trying to push its way out of the front of my skull right above my nose. And i squint and shake to try and get the feeling out. I can get things done when im in the middle of one. It just feels like i cant be going through all the bad things i hear other people going through. I know i can but it doesnt feel tangible to me.
I know i have mental illnesses from my mom thats fucking me up and down, i have mondo mood swings but i dunno if its just the guilt shifting me from up and down or if its her bipolar in me. I think its the bi polar or SOME mood disorder but i cant help but snub myself and say that im okay when im not.
