I grew up in a family of 6. I am the youngest of 4 kids, with a notable age gap between me and my 3 siblings. Growing up I felt an intangible distance from everyone around me. See. I was a mamas boy, and boy, my mama was not the most popular person in my house. But little 6 year old me just knew the rules, not how they came to be or how hated they were. So i felt a rift between everyone. Really to no ones individual fault, everyone was trying (and kinda failing) to keep themselves together. I just, grew up around them, i wasnt raised.

So i kind of formed into whatever media I had the patience to take in. No one ever made me sit down and watch a full movie, or episodes of television, i just got to watch whatever on my Ipad. Then later, iphone 6.

Ill focus on what i remember from said iphone 6. I watched a lot of cowbelly reddit meme videos (and other such tts meme videos) subreddit reading videos from youtubers like Slazo and Sorrow tv, hell even Marshal Does Stuff. And then video essays, like drew gooden and danny gonzales. Whatever gaming youtubers played the game i was hyperfixating on too. So just a bunch-o-fuckin content.

I think the video essays blended with the “relatable millennial life” shit from the reddit videos gave me my lens of life.

I only ever imagine things as the post mortem, the dissection of them. I saw people talking about nostalgia alllll the fucking time and i went

“oh yeah i do that too” <- 9 year old with an immense pit in his stomach he does not know how to fill.

I know people like, imagine themselves being famous or whatever. But its a worm in my head, to be able to discuss the amazing works ive never made. To get down in the grit and talk about all the things that made xyz happen. I catch myself trying to talk about stuff with a formed deeply sat opinion about things I havent even seen a single thing from besides a social media post. Everything is sped along in my head to the content that could be made about it.

But all that was planted in my brain in 2016-2019. Late in 2019 my parents divorced and my mom manipulated me into coming with her across the country to california (thats a whole nother story but im just forever upset with my mom so just know the blame isnt ALL on her)

Then covid happened and this great ingrowth started with people social lives. Whereas mine was already like that. So i adapted quickly, but my mom is where i get damn near all of my inattentive traits from so, no way in hell was i getting sat down to watch something with her.

Its been second screen all my life and I hate it a lot because I have to bend myself backwards to not live life like that. Only ever waiting for the end product instead of starting production.

The ways i got out of it probably arent going to help anyone else. As i am a very fortunate person in a lot of senses and giving advice unprompted would be one of the most fucking annoying things i can do.