i appear to have made mortal nemeses with a pigeon

tumblr stop rooting for the pigeon

does anyone have that gif of a penis growth ad thats a guinea pig that stretches out rly long and a girl says “hot!” and the guinea pig spins around pls i need it

YES!!! YES!! YES!!!!!

i think the whole Having A Job thing would be less bad if people in management positions were capable of planning and abstract thought

the secret cheat code for women is realizing you dont have to date men

this doesnt just go for lesbians it goes for bi women and straight women too. i cant even count how many times straight women have told me “i wish i was a lesbian so i didnt have to date men” but guess what … u Dont have to date men 

to be clear this also isnt necessarily saying ‘go date women instead!!’ its just saying…. u dont have to date men. u dont have to be dating women in order to not date men! in fact if ur not attracted to women at all please dont date women just as a substitute for men. but if dating men isnt making u happy… u dont have to do that. u dont have to make a space in ur life for men

do you know how much of a letdown it was to grow up smelling the aged whiskey in my grandpa's pantry. the wine in my parents' dinner glasses. the anise liquor on summer evenings. and finally being of drinking age and finding out it all kinda just tastes like car exhaust

does anyone know if it’s possible

ok good I was getting worried

In fifth grade a boy tried to impress me by swallowing a whole tadpole live and I punched him so hard that he puked and the tadpole was fine.

This is funnier than anything I have ever said.

This post is to Easter what a Geiger counter is to radiation.

I see it’s *looks at smudged writing on hand* Lent again.