Magia Mortuorum

Please note that while references to being a patient or a doctor is LARP, the rest is all real! Viewer discretion is advised!

I am referred to as J. Do not identify me. This blog is not meant to garner much attention, merely to serve as an outlet for my illness. I share it with my doctors, Dr R and Dr S, who may also post from time to time. I am a paraphile, and that is largely what this is about.

DNI:

Minors (extremely important! This is an NSFW blog!)

Anyone uncomfortable with poor mental health (this is also a vent blog)

Pro-contact

Anti-recovery

Anti-para/anti-kink/anti-fiction/you get the gist

WARNINGS:

I see my major paraphilias as an illness. I hate them, but I am working on trying to achieve a sense of neutrality regarding my self-image.

I am extremely unwell and emotionally unstable.

Should things turn south, I will most definitely privatise this blog.

I am not human, and I do not feel safe around humans.

AFFLICTIONS:

Necrophilia

Biastophilia

I participate in ageplay, all on my own. It's a comfort thing, as it gets me into a child-like emotional state while retaining my adult mind. I feel safe and secure in it. I've never sexualised my actual child state, merely engaged in kinks while in that child state.

Recently, I've started to feel sexual thoughts towards the image of myself as a toddler. This is usually much stronger if I'm imagining my little self engaging in kink, but sometimes just the thought of them is enough to, uh, start something. My best guess as to why this has developed is due to the association between regression and sexual pleasure with a feeling of security, and with recent stress making me feel like I need that security more than ever, but there's a part of me that's still afraid it will get worse.

Is this something I should try to be okay with, not encouraging but not avoiding, necessarily? Is that likely to let it fester? Should I ignore it and hope it goes away? I really don't know what to do. I already know that if it gets severe, I will see a specialist, but I'd rather not let it get to that point in the first place.