undergrove archives

dear jason,

it's december 2025 and soon it will be 3 years since we last spoke. 3 years and I still think about you. how couldn't I? you were my brother. you were my brother and without you I feel like I've lost a limb. I'm without you and you're not even dead.

I accept and understand that at times I expressed myself in ways that I shouldn't have. I haven't accepted that you didn't have the heart to pull me up on it. (my therapist said I was setting boundaries and that I can't be blamed for the way people react to them but how could I not blame myself?) you were my family. I held you accountable and you held me accountable. instead you got so in your head with rage that you made up a scenario and got mad at me for the way you imagined me. instead you festered in your rage for so long it burned away the love leaving you with no choice but to hate me. what would have happened if you had just spoken to me about this when you had the chance?

I don't forgive you for how you did it. my mother nearly called an ambulance when she got home and heard the sounds I was making. she won't forgive you for it either. I was still crying when my sister came home and she laid on my bed with me for an hour consoling me. she hates you.

I had so much love in my heart for you. and you broke it every time you went months without speaking to me. I was always there when you came back. I was always ready and eager to see you. I always made the long trip up on the train to see you. to see my brother. to see our family. when was the last time you were in my house? when was the last time you came over just to see me?

jason I still think about you. I think about you every time I see some shitty looking craft beer at the shops. I think about the cigarettes we shared in your backyard while we were drunk. I think about when we would share a bed and end up holding hands all night. I think about the time you swore I spoke greek in my sleep. do you remember when we walked to the fish and chip shop near your dad's house and only got chips and chicken nuggets? and I spent the entire afternoon watching you play video games? do you remember when I was diagnosed with bipolar and I was looking up the symptoms when I came across an article about bipolar people losing their closest friends after getting diagnosed and medicated? do you remember how I sounded when I started crying? or when I asked if you actually liked me? do you remember telling me over and over that you loved me no matter what? that you would always be there for me? do you remember all the promises you made to me?

I don't know what I want if you ever see this. maybe I'll rage at you. maybe you'll rage at me. I'll tell you that your roommate that started this isn't being very honest about her roots. you'll probably tell me to get fucked. I'll probably call you a little cunt. but you know what is most likely going to happen? none of that at all. you probably don't care. you've moved on. you don't think about me. about the 8 years we had together. about the times I hugged you so hard I picked you up off the ground and cracked your back.

most of all, I hope you don't see this. I've come to expect the worst a lot more often since that call. I've come to fear life just a bit more than I used to. because if the people I called family - the people I had chosen to spend my time with, the people I thought I was going to know for the rest of my life - could just decide to stop loving me, stop caring enough to not realise how out of character I was acting, and choose to never speak to me again. well what fucking hope do I have for any other kind of love.

do what you want. it's been far too long since my words held any sway over your mind.

yours