weathered.

“You didn’t ask nicely, you were grumpy, and now you’re shouting, and I hate when you do that,” Nathan replied, copying the words Matthew used on him. He was so frustrated, especially by the way Matthew was shaking his head at him. It was like his boyfriend wanted to be as insulting as possible as he spoke to Nathan. This whole argument could have been avoided if Matthew had just been nice when he spoke to him instead of a raging jackass. 

There was a difference between Matthew commenting on Nathan’s fussy habits and Nathan listing every little thing Matthew had done and putting it on blast. It didn’t help that Matthew hadn’t realized there were so many things he did that were annoying to Nathan in the first place. There wasn’t supposed to be a break of communication between them, especially since the last couple of months had gone relatively smoothly to what they’d had to deal with before. 

Nathan scrubbed his hands over his face. He would have preferred if Matthew had just wanted some time alone rather than hear he had been babying his boyfriend again. He hated when Matthew accused him of babying him. It was the worst feeling in the whole wide world, to know he was terrible at the one job he thought he was good at. He didn’t know why he always managed to fuck up with Matthew like this. 

“I asked nicely!” This wasn’t meant to transition into an argument, but it was looking more and more like there was no stopping it from doing exactly that. “How is that me not taking it easy on you? I’ve literally only just said that I didn’t need you worrying about me so much. It’s not like I told you to fuck off, or anything.” Which maybe he wanted to. Now. Because being around Nathan wasn’t just easy anymore. It was always tense, either because he wasn’t sure what was going on in Nathan’s head and he sure as hell never said, or because Matthew hadn’t been able to get himself to speak up about Nathan’s fussing until now. 

“Right, but like… suffocating? Cause, geez, Matthew, that’s just… That’s just mean,” Nathan complained, trying to speak up for himself. He had been a door mat lately, just letting every negative little thing hit him full on like a freight train. But he knew he had to stand up for himself at least a little bit. It wasn’t okay for Matthew to hurt his feelings. If Nathan let him get away with it, then that would be like admitting he was someone Matt could use and abuse without consequence. 

“That’s not even what I meant,” he sputtered helplessly. It wasn’t like he was suffocated by Nathan being around, because Matthew was probably always going to want to be at his side no matter how often during the day it was. All the fussing and nitpicking was what got under his skin. Having to be fed little things like Oreos or carrots, or having his clothes changed even though Matthew was now more than capable of doing it himself. It made him feel inferior even though he knew he wasn’t. 

“Suffocating,” Nathan repeated, eyes wide. He scratched at his chest, feeling like his heart was pounding out of his ribcage. He could throw up. He felt like he had been throwing up for days, but he could do it again right here and now. Nathan wasn’t very good at handling criticism. He tried so hard to be absolutely perfect for Matthew at all times, so to hear him say that he wasn’t… It was overwhelming. 

“I don’t, though.” Matthew did his best to remain calm. Getting snappy wasn’t going to help either of them, and certainly wouldn’t help the situation. Plus, Nathan was really only saying that he was being there for Matthew like he’d wanted time and time again. Needed, the last couple of months. It was just that day to day practices that once felt impossible for Matthew were easier now. “At least, like. I don’t need as much help as I did before.” 

Nathan would usually do whatever Matthew asked immediately, but he couldn’t stop moving. Not on command, not at all. He was a wreck lately. A simple request from Matthew wasn’t enough to calm him down. Honestly, it probably only made it worse. He cleared his throat awkwardly, fidgeting more in his chair. 

Sometimes it felt like it was hard to talk to Nathan, because lately, half the time Matthew had to smooth over his tone a couple times before he could say what he wanted so it wouldn’t come off too demanding. He didn’t want Nathan to fall back into that routine of doing what everyone else around him wanted. It had already taken ages for Nathan to start putting himself before others, and to have that fall apart beneath him was only going to make everything else harder. 

It Just Keeps Getting Worse

“No, I don’t .. can you just, like. Sit still?” Watching Nathan fidget only made Matthew want to fidget, and he didn’t need that nor want it. He was finally getting a handle on everything in his life and the last thing he wanted was whatever infectious anxiety his boyfriend had seemed to catch. It was hard being around Nathan lately without feeling like he was being constantly fussed over. Even more so than the last time this became a problem .. which was honestly saying something. 

“Sorry,” Nathan replied, pulling completely away from Matthew. He chewed on his bottom lip, his anxiety spiking as Matthew reprimanded him. Along with his need to work for Matthew, he also had a deep need to please. Whenever he felt stressed about getting raped, he was worried to upset anyone.

“I don’t… I don’t think I want to talk about me right now,” Nathan answered. He wasn’t very good at it, and he didn’t have anything important to say. Matthew new how crippling his anxiety could be; Matt knew how Nathan must be feeling. It didn’t really need discussing. Talking about it would just freak Nathan out even more, and he didn’t think he could handle that. 

“Okay.” It wasn’t like he could force it out of Nathan, even if he wanted to. It was partially Matthew’s fault anyway; he wasn’t capable of reading Nathan like it was the other way around, and there were very few instances where he could tell right off the bat what his boyfriend needed without being gestured towards it. Matthew continually put a lot of faith in Nathan, though, with the assumption that he would be told if anything worrying was brewing. 

Nathan nodded eagerly, happy to get Matthew absolutely anything he needed or asked for. He grabbed the three pack of Oreos, opened it for Matthew, and passed it to him. He sat on the bed with his knees pulled up to his chest, heart pounding against his chest, as he watch Matthew eat his cookies. He knew he was hovering, but he hadn’t had free time in so long, he didn’t really know what to do with it. He wasn’t bored so much as overwhelmed. There were so many things he could do, like play his guitar or knit, but everything felt difficult when he was this anxious. 

It was definitely weirder than usual. Matthew felt a bit like he was an animal at the zoo with the way Nathan was watching him so intently, but he tried his best not to fidget because of it. It was a hard transition, learning to pull away a bit now that Matthew could do a lot of things on his own. 

A Little Too Pampered

The fact that Nathan still seemed adamant in taking care of him every way was frustrating, but not enough for Matthew to say anything about it. He wanted to be able to do what he could on his own after spending so many months reliant on Nathan to do something as simple as getting into the shower, but Matthew also knew that this pleased Nathan somehow and if it kept his boyfriend from having another breakdown, Matthew would suck it up. 

Nathan hummed. “That makes sense,” he agreed, nuzzling his nose into his boyfriend’s hair for a second. It was good to have him so close.  After all, Nathan was still dealing with his own anxiety from the day before when he broke down in front of all of his friends. He was having trouble bouncing back, so keeping Matt close was nice. 

“I dunno,” Nathan answered, holding his boyfriend as close as he possibly could. At this point in their relationship, Nate had realized how awkward and weird he had been when they first started snuggling. He hadn’t quite known what to do with his limbs. But now Nathan was a pro at cuddling. He could hold Matthew all day, it was natural to him, and he pressed a few kisses through his boyfriend’s hair just to show how happy he was to be cradling him like this. 

He shrugged. “It was good, yeah. Better than I expected at least.” There wasn’t fear as much as there was a sprinkle of anxiety. Matthew hadn’t predicted that he was going to get the phone call where his mom told him he’d been disowned, even if only by paper, so the uncertainty of something like that happening again was more of the worry than every day conversations like the one he’d just had. He didn’t want to be lifted up with this illusion that everything was alright only to be brought back down again. 

Nate was glad to see that Matthew was still excited about getting a puppy. He had thought he had ruined it for his boyfriend by bringing up some of the sadder reasons to get a dog, but fortunately, Matt had moved away from that. Soon, there would be a little puppy sharing their space, and Nathan was beyond excited for Matthew. He didn’t want one, but he knew his boyfriend did. It was exciting enough for Nathan just to know that Matt would be happy. 

Happy with the new position, Matthew didn’t mind that the phone was taken for him. Nathan knew his schedule better than he did anyhow, and he was sure that he was going to need a couple reassuring nudges before he got to answering the phone on his own. “That’s okay, yeah. I— bye.” Matthew hung up the phone after, setting it on the space of bed he had occupied earlier. He loved his parents, very much so, and he had hoped that they still loved him too despite everything that had happened the last couple of months, but hearing it aloud was a little overwhelming. It was going to take some getting used to, talking to his mom without expecting her to make any snippy comment at him.