this is thirty.

I knew it was coming. I thought I was prepared. I thought I even wanted it…to an extent. I just thought he could get his needs met somewhere else but instead I pushed him into the arms of another woman. And he fell for her. She makes him happy.

At first I was scared the realization of actually losing him hurt. It still does. But I begged and pleaded for him to try to fix us and not do this but no. He’s the happiest he’s ever been with her and no matter how many times I cried and apologized it didn’t matter. He’s heard it all before. I don’t blame him.

And now she’s the priority over me and she’s met the boys. And they like her. And already have plans for this weekend. And the 4th. It’s just over.

I’ll give him what’s he’s suggested here recently, hinted at. Whatever. We can remain civil friends, co parent together. He’s not going to abandon me. I’ll have the kids thru the week. Then weekends he’ll have them and I’ll have me time I suppose.

One of the things he was again right about was me not doing shit with my life. Like I’ve been saying for years my GED. Well I called and signed up for the classes today. I’m doing this for me. So as soon as I can I can get a good job and move out. And try to avoid seeing James as much as possible because this shit hurts and it’s just better that way.

I don’t know wtf I was thinking. We have our issues. Yeah I get frustrated but I didn’t want this. And now that I want to fix stuff he’s not interested. So whatever. 10 years too late I guess.

Life goes on.

This is only the beginning of the end tho. But it’s inevitable and I feel empty? Numb? Sad? I don’t know. An indescribable feeling. Almost as if I’m grieving. The loss of the last ten years, the loss of what I had hoped to be more. Under different circumstances of course.

But we’re not a happy couple. And I don’t see us ever being one again. Maybe in spurts or small doses. Not like other couples/families tho. And that hurts the worst. Seeing all these family photos and vacations, photos that the husband/dad took of mom and the kids. Minor normal bullshit.

There’ll always be the issues of money. As it is I feel we’re in too deep right now. Back taxes. Other shit. Bills. Literally everything. And until the tax debts are paid off we’ll never be able to buy a house. Not that it matter considering I don’t know the future living arrangements anyway…

Mostly importantly the issue of “booty”. I’ve never had a high drive, he always has. In turn he’s gotten mean over it. To the point I would just agree to avoid any fights. So obviously I didn’t enjoy it. And after ten years I just can’t even force myself to anymore. I am just disgusted by the idea in general, I don’t even have “alone” time with myself. I finally told him to find a friend with benefits because it’s not fair to either of us and it’s the major problem we have. And so this time he joined tinder. The first attempt wasn’t successful but apparently he now has someone in mind. And wanted the ok I guess? Which I eventually did because he needed to know right now. And it’s either risk him being angry if I’m not in the mood which I’m not currently anyone close to being in the mood and I don’t see that changing. Therefor he’ll be angry with me. And everything. Or I say yes. And keep my feelings to myself. Because I don’t even know how I feel. Partially relieved to know I won’t have to deal with feeling forced or deal with him being so mad. But another part of me is saddened that after 10 years he doesn’t love me enough to work to fix things with us. On a level deeper than sex. But he doesn’t see a problem so why would he?

BUT it’s important to mention that yeah this could work as long as I don’t hear the details. And just do me and the boys of course. BUT he mentioned again how a coworker and his ex baby mama are still really good like best friends and parents together. They love each other just not in love..and I think he’s hinting at wanting that. And this is the start of that..I can tell. I’m not entirely opposed. I think we can be friends and coparent. I don’t think he wants a divorce tho and wants to keep the image for other people.

As long as he doesn’t completely abandon me, as in I don’t have a job but I’m the mama to his kids so hopefully I don’t just get tossed out on the street.

Not going to lie it does sting a little. I knew it was coming but we were so close to ten years. And goddammit ten years is a long time. But we’ll never be what I want us to be..or I dreamed my family life would be like.

Ugh. Why does life have to be so hard?

Meijer fishies and Chase.

Ran a few errands today with mom and the boys. Dollar tree which we don’t go to very often so as lame as it sounds we were excited. Especially Spence because he’s normally in school when we go.

I got a little carried away but it’s useful shit and was only like 26 bucks.

Then Meijer was specifically to pick up moms meds and of course they weren’t ready. And won’t be for a while. Whatever. We still looked around and got a few things and again I didn’t spend but like 30 bucks.

Which is terrible I have to justify almost what I spend and then feel guilty when I’m NOT the one that gambles money away.

Of course our good day at home, including some pool time was short lived once dad got home. Already not happy that he had to work today because he’s working alll weekend and won’t have a day off for a while. Which I get. BUT we need the money since they started garnishing his wages this week. And again NOT happy. Some how my fault? For not reminding him? Maybe. I don’t know. Regardless he made the mistake of cashing checks he shouldn’t have cashed. He’s LUCKY he still has his job.

Anywho he came home upset about that, didn’t even cash the check basically tossed it on the table and said he’s done. We can figure out the bills.

Then proceeded to distance himself, act annoyed to even talk be spoken to. Eventually he came around, swam with the boys. Still only interested in the back rub. Because he hurt from working so hard. Which meant he didn’t “need” anything else.

ONCE AGAIN

Moms happy for now because I’m chauffeuring her around to shop and spend money. And should be happy until she runs out of money or doesn’t get to leave the house for whatever reason.

J isn’t happy because he’s paying for a mistake and doesn’t want to admit it. Or accept the responsibility. Therefor not “needing” anything and he obviously has some money so I’m of no use.

On Monday things basically went back to the usual. After a semi decent weekend. Of course now rolls are reversed and it’s mostly J in a foul mood. While mom and I are getting along a little bit better.

BUT when I think about it:

Good times with J usually come before and/or after getting booty or money. If none of those things are needed or demanded basically then it’s silence, distance and anger. Over everything.

Good times with mom usually come before and/or after she needs a ride to spend her money. Otherwise it’s typical sour mood and dirty looks.

IN CONCLUSION

The ones that are supposed to love me the most just love me when it’s convenient.

Hopefully my kids don’t turn out like that. If I said I wasn’t hurt, I’d be lying. If I said I didn’t feel such a deep sense of sadness, I’d be lying.

Hi. I have a habit of typing out posts then deleting said posts. There should be more entries but this is what I do. Will I post this one? Or will it eventually get deleted too?

Random selfie with my doggo Daggett from this weekend which was relatively decent. J and I actually got along. But Of course mom wasn’t in a mood. Can’t win em all I guess. Never fails. Always trapped between the two of them. Trying to make them happy/not mad. Which only works for both at the same time like 25% of the time. Holidays mostly. Social events.

“Why do you wake up in the middle of the night, smoke and pass back out?”

Because a) insomnia from medication and b) the need to fall back asleep. Plus c) the added bonus of absolute quiet.

There’s just so much “noise” thru out the day. The tv on cartoons, the ac or the heater, the washer and/or dryer, the kids!, the cats, the dogs, the mom, the neighbors, James motorcycle..

Sometimes it’s nice to just enjoy complete peace and quit. I can think for a change.

Stimmy came early in the week but had to wait on James to cash it. And of course as soon as he got home from work that’s what we did.

We took Waylon and got him an early birthday gift. A Nintendo switch. That’s what he really wanted. And he was almost in tears crying because he was so happy. One of Waylons best qualities is that he 💯 appreciates what he gets.

Then we paid on James stupid motorcycle. And picked up Spencers switch. Chase got this pretty decent size tonka mega blocks dump truck that he absolutely LOVES.

Saturday we ran more errands. He needed new boots for work. And then we ended up at the mall. Where I finally found a couple things I wanted. A new Misfits shirt, studded belt and That 70s Show.

Today I did this. And I actually love it. So far anyway.

I wanted to feel pretty again, still not quite there yet.

I wanted to surprise James/get some sort of reaction. And I don’t know why. It’s been 10 years. I can read him like a book. He’ll notice but not enough to make me feel special or anything.

I wanted something different, and it’s definitely different. But in a good way.

In other news. I drove the fam back out to Meijer so mom could get her meds, and I went over to the great clips for the haircut.

They “stayed home” today from school. Well technically only Spence did since Way is virtual and always at home. The older one has a cough, but other than that he’s fine. Allergies maybe? Sleeping with the fan on? Who knows. But I don’t think it’s THAT. The other one has just been laying around a lot and not really eating. Again other than that he’s fine. Little fussy tho.

Tomorrow tho. Back to school. Given they allow him to be there/he can stand to be there wearing a mask while coughing. Ugh. I almost wish he was still virtual. But he needs the socialization and it WAS a lot for me to try to handle.

We also FINALLY got our stimmy. Or rather HE got his stimmy because I already know. Honestly I’m surprised he didn’t fake an emergency to come home. Because as much as I wanted to keep it from him, I couldn’t.

In a perfect world I could send a selfie like this to my husband. Silly face, PJs and a peek of my new very hi vis colored bra. But! That shit reserved for couples that love each other. Duh.

Not that I don’t love him. It’s just that..

Absence doesn’t always make the heard grow stronger or whatever, in fact it does the opposite.

Especially when your already struggling. The only interest he has in me: the obvious which clearly I am not into if he’s only after that. And the fact that I take care of him and do wifey shit and help put up that image that we’re some happy family.

I just want attention. And not that kind. Not when it’s ONLY that. I wanted to feel loved in more than a “needs fixer” kind of way.

But it is what it is, I guess. Out of town all week, back Friday morning, no sleep but still energy to go cash his check and go shopping for himself. He “HATES” shopping at stores supposedly. Or maybe he hates doing anything with me? Because IF we do go, he stays back in the car. THEN he finally comes home. So much for missing the family so much right? He’ll walk around and scope out shit for a few, then proceed to sleep the rest of the day. While getting annoyed that MAYBE I missed him and wish he’d stay awake with me. When he does finally wake up, he’ll run the errands he wants to run, then depending on the weather...he’s either on the game or outside hiding somewhere.

Sweet Lily. Our newest furbaby.

SUPPOSE to be MY kitten but the boys have semi claimed her and she them. Tho she tends to be lovey to all of us. Except the doggos. Of course.

Other than missing a white belly and “socks”. This is a mini Bean. Personality matches. Well minus the lovey part. Beans was kind of a bitch. And Lily can be as well if she’s pissed enough. She also doesn’t take no for an answer. And she climbs up my pant legs, she’ll happily nap on the kitchen table. Too many similarities to name. But it’s healing.

Norbert and Dagget helped in the healing too, I won’t deny that. Because they really did. Just now the same as Lily. Maybe because I felt so horrible about her passing, that after 11 years I fucking failed her. Maybe because she’s similar and when she’s stupid lovey. It’s like Beans letting me know it’s ok.

Ugh. I still miss that cat so fucking much. She was legit my best friend. I still have her sister tho! And she’s become my best pal too. As senile as she may be at almost 13 after having what we think was a kitty stroke. I love her.

Luckily Chase kept me busy, chasing him. James did help and we took turns running after him. You would think a grandma of like 10 grandkids would have her house somewhat child proof. The biggest concern was the open stairs leading down to the finished basement. And even tho they are carpeted it still make me paranoid af.

Even when I wasn’t chasing him, I’d go out for a smoke. No one ever came to smoke with me. No one really spoke to me much.

Poor Way will tell you he had fun but the poor kid was left out and bullied constantly. Currently has a bump on his face.

I just hope we don’t really regret this because of COVID.

I’m so over this pandemic.

For now I guess I’ll get some sleep. I poorly planned this Easter dinner and now I also have to run to the store. Make baskets up quickly. Maybe hide eggs. Make dinner. Pack James for the week. Spence ready for school. Baths.

Thennn Monday: pick up Waylons school work as I drop off Spence. Tuesday: dentist apt at 1. Wednesday: mom gets her stimulus so shopping.

Adventures at the “school” park. Last weekend. Not pictures: dad, myself (obviously) and the pups.

This weekend they (dad and the older two) re-did the front of the house, laid mulch and picked up some.

Sometimes we have good times like these. They seem rare. And maybe it’s his spending habits/gambling clouding my vision of him. Who knows. I’ll take it tho and for the boys I’ll play along too.

This week he’s in Terre Haute of alllll places again. Last week wasn’t so bad. We spoke maybe twice. No arguments tho. He did visit with some people. Family. And Crabs because they work together too.

Apparently being around his friends/family and their normal lives he’s wanting us to be like that too? Going as far as suggesting mom move to some low income apartments. Which I don’t know. There’s a upside and a downside to everything. And honestly I don’t know what I want with him anymore. Unless he can overcome his gambling addiction but even then...I don’t know.

But for now I’ll enjoy the peace. We barely spend any time together so there’s very little conflict. Minus the boys being boys. But things aren’t so bad between us and everyone just seems more relaxed. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder or whatever? Maybe we needed this “break”. This jobs suppose to last several weeks too and it’s not really a “break” but we see each other very very little. Ugh.

Why does life have to be so hard? I love and want my family life but I want more to it all. I want us to actually be a happy loving fun together family.

After everything I DO and everything I DEAL with. Just because I don’t “work” doesn’t mean I’m completely fucking worthless.

Every morning the boys have a damn good breakfast. I make sure of it. Spence is in REAL school again and the schools a nut free zone so we don’t even bother with making a lunch from home. Luckily it’s been things he likes to far at school but that could change. And I want him to have food in him.

Before that I’m getting James up for work and out the door because yes a grown ass man cannot get himself off to work. Then a hour or so later I get back up with the boys for the day. And chug the fuck out of some caffeine.

I homeschool Way and take care of Chase meanwhile trying to do laundry and keep the house clean. Even tho it doesn’t look like it at all.

AND usually while I’m doing that because I’ve learned how to multitask like a boss, I’m doing surveys for money to take care of shit he won’t take care of because he will not stop gambling.

And here we are again. Last week he got his check for the high pay county he worked in. Like over a grand. No bills were paid. By Tuesday he had $20 to his name. AND then on Wednesday surprise pack your bag for the next two days. So now he’s going out of town and “fucked” because he’s broke. I’m putting together his bad and surveying so he doesn’t harass mom for more money. Because she HAD to pay a months rent out of her money which is the equivalent of one of his big checks. Which he gets weekly NOT monthly like her.

Of course he didn’t seem to worried the night before other than his being fucked comment. Which is odd for him and more than likely mean he already planned on being an ass until one of us gave him money. Then morning came and he mumbles about being fucked and no one cares. Then mentioned waking mom SO to save my mom money. Because he would have taken her card and took WAY more than he needed. I transferred $40 to a prepaid card and handed it to him. Yes the mother fucker saved the day. But I doubt he feels any bit guilty:

We’ve had an interesting weekend with you Dags! A trip to the vet, followed by monitoring and being spoiled af until he eventually passed the pieces of an aluminum can he found and decided to eat.

IF you know me. You know I never go out in PJs. I never lounge around during the day in PJs. I am usually wearing jeans until the sun goes down.

Fuck it tho. Right?

See on Sunday, on a random ass drive we called a guy about a house. Fixer upper. Complete dump. But fixable. Guy just didn’t want it anymore. TL;DR Guy ends up just giving the key, pay when you can, good luck working on this disaster no one wants.

BUT OF COURSE

No contract was written, and after a week. After we began to clean this disgusting house. After it sat empty since last summer AT LEAST. Suddenly someone has cash in hand. Which is what we don’t have.

And so there’s the story about how my life got twister and turned upside down in one week.

You’d THINK I’d be used to this kind of shit happening because it never fails. Something taken just as it’s given. Much like when we lost our son Nolan. Maybe that’s why I’m taking this so hard. Reliving that feeling all over again. And it’s stupid.

James is handling it better than I am. Surprisingly.

Stupid roller coaster tycoon. Addictive af.

With the added bonus of taking my mind off every fucking thing else.

Things are weird. Not a bad weird. A woah he’s being nicer? And we aren’t arguing? And he’s not mad at me or shaming me about something? He’s willingly taking me to the store and not complaining about it? He’s letting me keep this winning scratch off?

Is this real life or is this fantasy?

No. This is where you realize there are certain areas of your relationship where you are NOT compatible, never have been. After 9 years never will be. And instead of fighting about it any more finding a solution. That he gets those needs taken care of elsewhere. A friends with benefits. A free pass. We can stay together. Or not. I’ve already checked out anyway. But dammit. Does it not still hurt. Deep down when I think about it. After everything we’ve been thru. And the sickening thought of him “cheating” even tho I’m allowing it. And honestly don’t care because I know he’s already done it in the past and if hasn’t would eventually. So why not just allow it, then when someone tries to be a fuck and runs to me about this I can be like yeah I know I told him to do it.

This isn’t a big deal. It’s two people accepting their differences. Moving on. As friends. Do parenting. And keeping the “family” image. For now anyway. Until his benefits become more because they will because I was never what he wanted to begin with.