m.shy

— by: Maez Estrada

I looked at the mirror as I stare at my bare body. I examined every single detail like the reflection in front of me is a weird artwork I see on an exhibit.

The red dots on my face. The marks left by the previous stress I had. They all scattered on my flesh, from forehead to chin. The bags underneath my eyes looked like they hold a massive weight. The imperfect structure of my nose. The thinness of my dull and dry lips. The absence of cheekbones. Everything is so out of place. Or at least, that is what I know.

The unequal shape of my body. I touched my left arm and pinched the excess fats. Where did this came from? I shrugged as I gave my attention to my chest. Is this a check? Many people praised me for having these huge bumps. But this is also an eye-catcher for perverts. Should I be grateful? I sighed as I looked at my stomach. I slouched and the layers of chubby flesh came out. Of course, this is not a good one. It is so blubbery just like my hips. Why can’t these fats go to my buttocks instead?

I traveled my hands to my thighs, seeing the size of them. Why can’t I have that “thigh gap” they were talking about? And those legs full of scars, stretch marks and evident veins. Disappointment made my eyes close for a moment.

These flaws made the person who I am right now. I can parade them on the streets and be proud of them. I can be comfortable and not be ashamed. I can be happy.

Not until they noticed and blame me for “not taking care of my body and skin.”

I diverted my eyes into the advertisement posted on the billboard outside, parallel to my apartment window.

“Metamorphosis Skin & Body Experts.”

van gogh

lorde // liability

you’re a little much for me 

request by anon

— by: Maez Estrada

We live in a third world country where equality is accepted, but discrimination is still tolerated. 300 years ago, Filipinas are as low as the ground. Dressed divinely but treated differentlly, as if they are home ornaments; displayed but does nothing but to bring pleasure to the eyes. Does it changed? I can say, barely.

“You should act like ‘dalagang filipina’!”, “Where are your manners? You are a lady!” These are some of the phrases you might heard before (or often times). I know, they choke you and tie you up to do the things you are “supposed” to do. But what can they do if you act less feminine? You are free, my honey. You can sit on that chair without having your legs crossed. You can be tough. You can wear your sneakers instead of heels. You can hangout with boys. You can hide your arms under those sleeves. Yes, you can have a girlfriend. It’s not always “pink” for you. You can be “blue” if you want to. That cross can be an arrow. Don’t hold back, show yourself.

Showing thy true self had always been the problem of Filipinas. Everyone thinks that wearing short and revealing outfits that match the make-up on their faces represent covering up. But what if that’s you all along? Those clothes are your courage, those powders are your bravery and those colors are you confidence. There’s nothing wrong with it. Just work it! Don’t mind the other. You are you when you feel comfortable at what you’re wearing. Conservatism is not just about not showing too much skin, it is also preserving your own belief of being true.

And when you walk on the street, rocking that armor you made out of your own fashion, do not listen to those whistles and shouts. You can accept respectful compliments but do not fall into catcalls. You deserve better than being called out on streets. If they blame you for making them do such things, tell them that it’s not your fault that they do not know how to praise decently. Don’t be scared to fight back, you have a aright to. It’s not you, it’s their lack of knowledge on chivalry.