author, advocate, cat mama, wears glasses.

New paint, new paper, new me.

Swing Love (on Wattpad) https://www.wattpad.com/story/121502595-swing-love?utm_source=web&utm_medium=tumblr&utm_content=share_myworks&wp_uname=FemmeFataleLady&wp_originator=3bmiZugO6IiAhv9QIWz1Q6F5bSjl75%2Bxo4CuQNwh%2F0tLrsUOoczy%2BCZS3xboP0q8Rcgx%2F6TlUKCgE%2FqmegI%2BHe9QiIDctRTiVjnW7BBaqOlzoB2CscBkmxtMxYoOcZzZ Their history is history... right? Adorkable Charlotte Holden has grown up in the public eye as the daughter of a promising young politician, always putting a smile on even if it masks her struggles with depression and anxiety. As her father runs for president, Charlotte takes a gap year to prepare her application to attend Hemlock College, a prestigious writing conservatory more selective than Harvard. When her mother offers an unbelievable opportunity that could get her into Hemlock, Charlotte reluctantly agrees to go on a cross-country tour to help her father win the youth vote-even if it does mean she has to campaign with brilliant and nerdy political wunderkind Nathan Pax, the son of her father's vice presidential candidate... and her ex whatever. When Charlotte gets tricked into a fake romance with Nate to keep people interested in the campaign, she decides to finally take control of her life and write her own narrative. In a world where the line between what's fake and what's real often blur, can Charlotte and Nate keep their undeniable chemistry just for the cameras? Or will their love swing from fiction to reality? As the campaign heats up, so do Charlotte and Nate's passion, even as Charlotte must confront truths about her past that will rock everything she knows.

It's been a long day, but hanging out with this purring monkey in my lap, having tea, rewatching American Crime Story... it's a medicine they can't take away from me. #Obamcare #catsofinstagram #catstagram #comfortzone

Because that night was tonight.

A watch, frozen at 6:55. // Nobody knows what day this watch died. It stopped when no one was looking. // At one job, I took Family and Medical Leave (FMLA). My #bipolardisorder had become too overwhelming, and my psychiatrist and I filled out paperwork for a two-week break and then a modified, part-time schedule. Most of it was unpaid. One day, the person I handed my timesheet to at the central office asked something like, "How long is this going to go on?" I was speechless, so I mumbled something to relieve her ableist fears. What should I have said? If you know when I'm going to die, that's how long? It will never end, there is no cure? Do you not understand that this small inconvenience for you is nothing compared to the eternity I will carry this illness with me? // For this watch, time stopped when nobody was looking. With chronic mental illness, it is never cured, and that long unknown question mark dominates your life, or often does mine. "Will I suffer forever?" It's crucial that we never "stop" looking in on our loved ones who suffer from mental illness. That they don't "stop" trying or feeling hope. That we never "stop" supporting and comforting them, and looking after ourselves. I wish there was a way for my mental illness to "stop" sometimes, but I have life in me yet. My battery is not dead, and I'm not either. So wind me up tonight when I sleep, and I'll keep going and going. I'm tied to this. If it "stops," so do I, but I'll fight to make sure it doesn't "stop" me. // If you have one takeaway from this series, I urge you to not "stop" but to endure, and to do everything you can to make sure others don't "stop." Know the warning signs. Be nosy. Ask if they are okay. Tell them you love them until you feel they know it, and keep telling them even if the words feel like meaningless sounds. There is no cure for bipolar, but I think a reservoir of unconditional love and friendship and comfort and trust can build up inside you and help you heal. Please don't ever "stop." // It's May 31, last day of #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalillnessfeelslike / Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 / Support: https://www.nami.org

Picture of me from my desk with newly rearranged bookshelves behind me and my cat, Minerva, peeking over. // After I left my library internship due to depression in fall 2014, I adjusted to working from home. I took the one gig I had, book reviewer at Kirkus Reviews, and built a freelance writing and editing career of sorts. Freelancing is so stressful. It probably contributes to my anxiety and depression more than anything else. But I'm not sure I'd be able to go back to working a 40-hour week in an office somewhere. Here, at home, in my office, I build my day around my greatest joy, books. And with cats nearby--and my huge loose leaf tea collection and kettle a step away--I can more or less control my day, taking a nap or visiting my therapist or psychiatrist in the middle of the day. That being said, freelancing isn't glamorous. It's hard work, and not for the weak. At the end of the day, though, I've been able to carve out a career I can handle and manage around my mood. I'm very lucky to have found something that works. And know that there's always a cat nearby to cuddle with, a comfort better than popping an Ativan. #mentalillnessfeelslike #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #bipolar #catsofinstagram #bookstagram #shelfie

The numbers 296.89 on a prescription for lab work, 2015. // Well we can't treat people without a diagnosis, right?! 😜 Debatable--but the insurance does need one for blood work. This code is from the DSM-IV, which was the diagnostic criteria mental health professionals used to diagnose someone with an illness. Your code changes! This one is technically "Bipolar II," but I've bounced around the different 296s for a while (the DSM-V was released recently, so the coding is different). For bipolar, it's usually based on your last episode. At that point, in 2015, I had not had a full manic episode. That would come in spring 2016, so the code would change again. I'd slide up and down this arbitrary scale. At one point, my therapist and psychiatrist were using two different codes at the same time. So who was I? Which five numbers captured my symptoms, short and longterm? It felt different if I was a 296.89 to one person and a 296.52 (Bipolar I - Moderate) to another. Plus, how can I really be reduced to a five-digit code? This is my *life* we're talking about, my thoughts, my moods. In the end, my therapist told me I could pick which one I wanted to be. That ultimately, to the insurance, it didn't matter. It was just a code. But it did and does matter to me. If there's one thing about this chronic and incurable illness, though, things are bound to shake up if you wait around long enough. The code will keep changing. But I know who I am, what stays the same. And it can't really be summed up in numbers. // This is Day 5 of my #mentalillnessfeelslike thing for May, #mentalhealthawarenessmonth Follow along! Let's go #stigmafree #bipolar

May the Fourth be with you! Pictured here is the late Carrie Fisher (1956-2016), best known for Princess Leia from #starwars and other film roles and was a prolific writer and playwright. // Carrie Fisher was one of the first public voices to talk about having bipolar disorder. She was totally fearless! It was kind of intimidating. When I was first diagnosed, walking the stacks of the Columbia Bookstore, seeing her bold books on the shelves, I viewed her candor with suspicion: "Should we really be talking about this private suffering? I'm ashamed of my illness, and I don't want anyone to know about it." Over the years, I began to be more open about my illness (obviously!), and Carrie Fisher's honesty helped me feel more confident. She once said, “Being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of.” I'm proud to share this blessing/curse with Carrie Fisher. Perhaps we both have the "Force" inside us, in all its self destructive and immensely creative possibilities. 🔥✨ This is Day 4 of my #mentalillnessfeelslike series for Mental Health Awareness Month. Follow along! Buckle up for this trip through #bipolar land. #stigmafree

A few years ago, I got really into tarot reading. I spent lots of money on decks, books, and accessories. I even created an Etsy shop for online readings. Here is just a *small selection* of the many decks I own. // Sometimes people with #bipolardisorder become really preoccupied with religion or religious ideas. This can be a sign of an "elevated mood" (when you're creeping up toward hypomania or mania). Same goes for delusions of grandeur and thinking you are communicating with god/the heavens/etc. I don't do much tarot anymore, although I am getting back to it, but not to the same degree. Was this belief that I could interpret meaning and prophesy from cards symptomatic of hypomania? Were the spending sprees driven by a delusional grasp on my wallet? I don't know! But I'd like to think not. I really believe in tarot, and the system taught me a lot about how to interpret and accept life's many cycles (including the mood swings of manic depression). And I stuck with it for more than a year. This is Day 3 of my #mentalillnessfeelslike series for May's Mental Health Awareness Month. Follow along! Buckle up! Let's go #stigmafree #bipolar

PS: I’m posting the last four days’ posts here now to get caught up, so there might be a few in a row. Sorry to spam!

My MacBook Pro: powered by lithium... just like many people with #bipolardisorder! Nobody quite knows *why* lithium carbonate (okay, not quite a battery) quells mania and helps stabilize manic depressives, but it is often a first-line-of-defense drug helping people (like me!) since its accidental discovery for psychiatric use in the mid-20th century. It does have long term side effects, though, such as kidney failure. And you have to get lab work often to make sure your lithium level isn't toxic but is therapeutic--not easy! And hey, it's a generic. Always something to consider! 💰This is Day 2 of me doing #mentalillnessfeelslike for Mental Health Awareness Month this May. Follow along! Buckle up! #bipolar #stigmafree

Friends, May is Mental Health Awareness Month! I am going to follow along with Mental Health America's #mentalillnessfeelslike campaign to bring you a glimpse into what it "feels like" at times throughout the month. And that includes wellness. I promise it will not be super grim! Day 1: Wow! I used to love the color orange until about ten years ago. The nightly ritual. Only 3! I am lucky, for now, at least. But it's not a competition. *Please know you can always reach out for more info on how to be an ally to a friend or family member.* Let's end #stigma

This week I am working on my writing sample for an MFA program I’m applying to sort of on a whim sort of on a “finally.” Nobody except my recommenders and my best friend knows. (And my therapist.) Wish me luck!